Good Ideas

I got strange ideas anyway. You know what I think they ought to do with those Miss America contest? I think they ought to make the losers keep coming back until they win. I'll tell you, that would get a little spooky after about thirty five years or so huh? "I just want to work on world peace." "Fine, sit down before you fall down, will you? And pick up all these goddam batons."

I got a lot of ideas. You know what I think? I think Kleenex ought to have little targets on them. Wouldn't that be a good idea? Little bulls-eyes right in the middle of the Kleenex. Make it kind of sporty when you're with you friends. KKKkkkkoooott! "Look Dave, an 85!" That's a good idea; I got a lot of good ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck. I got a lot of good ideas for new products like that. That's what I think about on my off-duty hours - things we need. Products we ought to have that we don't have.

You know what we ought to have? We ought to have a diet salad dressing called "500 Islands". See? Good goddamn ideas like that. A Christian deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell". How about a feminine hygiene spray called "Sprunt"? Well, you'd never forget the name, would you? It would always be right on the tip of your tongue. See? Marketing, marketing: that's where I belong. Among other places. Marketing.

Here's an idea I got. This is a yo-yo with a 2000 foot string. You use it when you visit the Grand Canyon. See? I'm a visionary. I'm ahead of my time. Trouble is, I'm only about an hour and a half ahead. Here's a good idea: a light bulb that only shines on things worth looking at. Yeah, too idealistic, never make any money on a thing like that.

Here's something that's going to make a fortune, get in on this. This is a roach spray, it doesn't kill the roaches, but it fills them with self doubt as to whether or not they're in the right house. Here's something I'm trying to interest the Japanese electronics firms in this. This would be a great product for Sony. This is a combination cassette player and colostomy bag. It's called "Shitman"! Sure. Well, you'd never see that; you'd never see that.