The Whale as a Dish

[BELL RINGS]

[STUBB]
I want a whale steak!

[CREW]
He wants a whale steak!

[STUBB]
I want a whale steak!

[CREW]
Cook it in the pan

[ISHMAEL, spoken]
Which brings us to the matter of
The Whale As A Dish!

[STUBB]
The whale as a dish
It's not the most popular dish
It's too big and too fat and too weird and too exceedingly rich
To be considered good by most

But five centuries ago
Whale tongue
Was an esteemed great delicacy in France
And King Henry VIII
Was known to be quite partial
To barbecued porpoise
And I've heard of an Inuit doctor
His name is Zogranda
Who recommends that infants suck on the blubber
Exceedingly nourishing and juicy
He says
[spoken]
Cut in strings[?]! Here we go, men

[ISHMAEL]
Oh, hey, guys! Can I help?

[TASHTEGO]
No, we got it

[DAGGOO]
We've been doing this kind of work for a long time

[TASHTEGO]
Cleaning the kill is noble work

[DAGGOO]
Oh, yeah, you look real damn noble covered in blood, blubber and whale shit

[TASHTEGO]
Fuck you!

[QUEEQUEG]
Check this out Ish! You ever seen someone decapitate a whale before?

[DAGGOO]
But how do you decapitate something without a neck?

[SAILOR 1]
Yeah! I mean, where does the head begin?

[ISHMAEL]
That's a great question! Here, let's go talk about it for a curiously long amount of time

[STUBB, sung]
And on the whale ships of the Dutch
Whale scraps
Are famously fried into fritters brown and crisp
And of course the old monks of Dunfermline
Have a tangy recipe for broiled beluga
In which the meat is made into balls
Sweet, juicy little billiard balls
Seasoned and spiced
And drenched in an admirable sauce
Ah!
But still, the whale as a dish
It's not the most popular dish
It's too big and too fat and too weird and too exceedingly rich
To be considered good by most
[spoken]
Blubber hook!

[spoken]
[DAGGOO]
Oh, right, blubber hook! Tashtego has the honor of peeling Mr. Stubb's kill

[ISHMAEL]
Oh, this is great!
They peel the skin like an orange!

[SAILOR 1]
Wait, is the blubber the skin? I mean, look how thick it is!

[SAILOR 2]
What about this thin transparent stuff that I can scrape off with my hands?

[ISHMAEL]
I know it well. It dries hard and brittle. I use it as bookmarks for my whale books!

[QUEEQUEG]
Nerd!

[ISHMAEL]
But that's just the skin of the skin. The blubber IS the skin!

[TASHTEGO]
You know, for a book full of unnecessary whale facts, it's astounding the number of things he got wrong!

[DAGGOO]
Old Herman. Definitely a better writer than a scientist

[ISHMAEL]
Wait, you can see him?

[TASHTEGO]
What? The big white guy right in the middle of the fucking boat? Kind of hard to ignore, actually

[PIP]
Man, white man! Whale, white whale!

[FLASK]
Five and forty-four, boys, mind you, none of our profits stay on this carcass! You-- on the case, Ichybal [?], you're on the junk

[STUBB, sung]
Oh, and then there's the brain!
A creamy, fine dish which must be prepared with great craft and skill
The casket of the skull is cracked into with an axe
And two plump whitish lobes
Look just like large white puddings
You can mix them up with flour
And cook them up
Into a most delectable mess
Just don't eat him too often
'Cause a diet of whale brains
Has been known to make a man talk like a whale
Mmm! Oh, and that's why

[CREW]
The whale as a dish
It's not the most popular dish
It's too big and too fat and too weird

[STUBB]
And too exceedingly rich!
Maybe whale would be a noble dish
If he weren't so colossal a fright

[CREW]
But a hundred-foot long meat pie

[STUBB]
Tends to take away
Your appetite

[CREW]
Appetite!