The Story That I Startit (The Kirk Soiree)

[Verse 1]
When first in this toun I came for to stop
And I startit oot in business in ma side street shop
To the kirk every Sunday, I went twice as a rule
And I counted the collection for the Sunday school
For ma greatest ambition it was, you see
To tell a little story at the kirk soiree

[Verse 2]
The chance came at last, but Lord preserve us
I coudna say a word for I felt that nervous
I thocht upon a limerick and I thocht upon a riddle
Then I startit on a story, but I stoppit in the middle
For the story that I startit was not, you see
The kind that you can tell at the kirk soiree

[Verse 3]
Well, after that evenin' aw the men would stop
For the finish o the story in ma side street shop
My business grew so rapidly and so did my renown
That soon I was elected to the council o the town
Where they made me the convener o the sewage committee
For the story that I startit at the kirk soiree

[Verse 4]
When I became a magistrate, promotion proved my ruin
The first time that I sat upon the bench was my undoin'
For objectionable conduct, I'd to try a freen' o mine
And gie him seiven days withoot the option o a fine
Because he went a told a bobbie, a staunch wee free
The story that I startit at the kirk soiree

[Verse 5]
So I retired from public life, a disappointed man
Wi ma mouth aw twisted tellin' stories in behind ma hand
But many years have passed since fortune gave me such a knock
And just the other evenin', I received a dreadful shock
When the minister's flapper daughter at her faither's jubilee
Told the story that I startit at the kirk soiree