The Parliamentary Candidate, Part 1

CANDIDATE
Ladies and gentlemen! Voters, I have come here today to place before you my view as to how this country ought to be run. I think the present government is all wrong. Now, then...

HECKLER
Excuse me, sir, but are you makkin a spotch- spootch- speech?

CANDIDATE
Certainly. Now, you please go away.

HECKLER
Oh, but I want to hear this spowtch- speech

CANDIDATE
Alright, stay. You can be the crowd

HECKLER
Me, the crowd? There's nae a lot of us, is there?

CANDIDATE
Spread yourself out!

HECKLER
Oh, he takes me for a pot o jam

CANDIDATE
Now all you have to do is to stand there and say nothing

HECKLER
Say nothing

CANDIDATE
Good. Ladies and gentlemen, I have come here to give you the benefit of all I know, and that is-

HECKLER
Nothing

CANDIDATE
Be careful, my friend. Now, I'm going as far back as I can

HECKLER
Eh, you'll be off the box in a minute

CANDIDATE
Oh, be quiet. Adam was the first man, Samson was the strongest, of all the birds that fly in the air-

HECKLER
The monkey sails the longest

CANDIDATE
Oh, shuddup! Now we have the working man

HECKLER
Hear, hear!

CANDIDATE
Are you a working man?

HECKLER
Yes

CANDIDATE
And what do you do?

HECKLER
I'm a [?] drawer's apprentice

CANDIDATE
And where do you work?

HECKLER
In a ship factory

CANDIDATE
Aha! Then why aren't you working today?

HECKLER
Oh, they're makin' night ships

CANDIDATE
I maintain that the working man is the backbone of the nation today

HECKLER
Ah! But take that backbone away, what becomes of him then?

CANDIDATE
Well, what becomes of him then?

HECKLER
He's filleted

CANDIDATE
Ah, hold your tongue, then. Now look at the price of food

HECKLER
Oh, twelve and sixpence a bottle

CANDIDATE
No, I mean look at the price of bananas. One shilling a dozen for Canary bananas. It's outrageous!

HECKLER
It's aposterous!

CANDIDATE
I say we in Britain should eat our own Canaries-

HECKLER
And breed our own bananas

CANDIDATE
Then again, look at the price of eggs. Two and six a dozen for country eggs. Why, it makes you hold your breath. And if you pay any less-

HECKLER
It makes ye hold yer nose

CANDIDATE
Then look at the price of butcher meat, and mark you, it's rising. If butcher meat gets any dearer, it will soon be as dear as gold. What will happen then, I ask you. You will go out on a Saturday night with a pound of steak in your pocket, you'll go into a public house and you'll ask for a bottle of [?], and you'll put your pound of steak on the counter. What is the barman going to give you for change?

HECKLER
A pun' o mince and a marra bone

CANDIDATE
And when you go for your dole, what will you get then?

HECKLER
A lump o suet

CANDIDATE
I say, if things continue as they are, there'll be a rising amongst the British working man

HECKLER
Hear, hear!

CANDIDATE
Now how are we going to keep the British working man from rising?

HECKLER
Sit on 'im

CANDIDATE
Oh, you can't tell me anything about the working man. I was on the last unemployed commission

HECKLER
Oh, and what were you?

CANDIDATE
I was the head man

HECKLER
The head man?

CANDIDATE
Yes. Now having settled the working man question, we pass along to the subject of love

HECKLER
A tickly feelin' roon' yer hert ye cannae scratch

CANDIDATE
I say that love is the cause of all the bigamy in this country

HECKLER
Hear, hear!

CANDIDATE
Now, do you know what a bigamist is?

HECKLER
Yes, a man who makes the same mistake twice

CANDIDATE
Aha, you can't teach me anything about bigamy. I was on the last divorce commission

HECKLER
Oh, and what were you?

CANDIDATE
I was the head man

HECKLER
Oh, the head man

CANDIDATE
The head man

HECKLER
The head man

CANDIDATE
Now that's enough. By the way you were talking, you would think I was all head

HECKLER
No, you're all mouth