The Staple of News Act 4 Scene 3

Peni-boy sen. Peni-boy jun. Lickfinger, &c.

BRoker? What Broker?

P. jun.
Who's that? my Uncle!

P. sen.
I am abus'd; where is my Knave? my Broker?

Lic.
Your Broker is laid out upon a Bench, yonder,
Sack hath seiz'd on him, in the shape of Sleep.

Pic.
He hath been dead to us almost this Hour.

P. sen.
This Hour?

P. Ca.
Why sigh you, Sir? 'cause he's at rest?

P. sen.
It breeds my unrest.

Lic.
Will you take a Cup
And try if you can sleep?

P. sen.
No, cogging Jack,
Thou and thy Cups too, perish.

[He strikes the Sack out of his Hand.

Shun.
O, the Sack!

Mad.
The Sack, the Sack!

P. Ca.
A Madrigal on Sack!

Pic.
Or rather an Elegie, for the Sack is gone.

Pec.
Why do you this, Sir? spill the Wine, and rave?
For Booker's sleeping?

P. sen.
What through sleep and Sack,
My trust is wrong'd: but I am still awake,
To wait upon your Grace, please you to quit
This strange lew'd Company, they are not for you.

[He would have Pecunia home, but she
refuseth, and her Train.

Pec.
No, Guardian, I do like them very well.

P. sen.
Your Graces Pleasure be observ'd; but you
Statute, and Band, and Wax, will go with me?

Stat.
Truly we will not.

Ban.
We will stay, and wait here
Upon her Grace, and this your Noble Kinsman.

P. sen.
Noble! how Noble! who hath made him Noble?

P. jun.
Why, my most noble Money hath, or shall;
My Princess here: She, that had you but kept,
And treated kindly, would have made you noble,
And wise too; nay, perhaps have done that for you,
An Act of Parliament could not, made you honest.
The truth is, Uncle, that her Grace dislikes
Her Entertainment, specially her Lodging.

Pec.
Nay, say her Jayl. Never unfortunate Princess
Was us'd so by a Jaylor. Ask my Women,
Band, you can tell, and Statute, how he has us'd me,
Kept me close Prisoner, under twenty Bolts ——

Stat.
And forty Padlocks —

Ban.
All malicious Engines
A wicked Smith could forge out of his Iron;
As Locks and Keys, Shackles and Manacles,
To torture a great Lady.

Stat.
H' has abus'd
Your Graces Body.

Pec.
No, he would ha' done,
That lay not in his power: he had the use
Of our Bodies, Band, and Wax, and sometimes Statutes:
But once he would ha' smother'd me in a Chest,
And strangl'd me in Leather, but that you
Came to my rescue then, and gave me Air.

Stat.
For which he cramm'd us up in a close Box,
All three together, where we saw no Sun
In one six Months.

Wax.
A cruel Man he is!

Ban.
H' has left my Fellow Wax out i' the cold,

Stat.
Till she was stiff as any Frost, and crumbl'd
Away to Dust, and almost lost her Form.

Wax.
Much ado to recover me.

P. sen.
Women Jeerers!
Have you learn'd too the subtil Faculty?
Come, I'll shew you the way home, if Drink,
Or too full Diet have disguis'd you.

Ban.
Troth,
We have not any mind, Sir, of return ——

Stat.
To be bound Back to Back ——

Ban.
And have our Legs
Turn'd in, or writh'd about —

Wax.
Or else display'd —

Stat.
Be lodg'd with Dust and Fleas, as we were wont —

Ban.
And dieted with Dogs-dung.

P. sen.
Why, you Whores,
My Bawds, my Instruments, what should I call you,
Man may think base enough for you?

P. jun.
Hear you, Uncle:
I must not hear this of my Princess Servants,
And in Apollo, in Pecunia's Room.
Go, get you down the Stairs; home, to your Kennel,
As swiftly as you can. Consult your Dogs,
The Lares of your Family; or, believe it,
The Fury of a Foot-man and a Drawer
Hangs over you.

Shun.
Cudgel and Pot do threaten
A kind of Vengeance.

Mad.
Barbers are at hand.

Alm.
Washing and Shaving will ensue.

[They all threaten,

Fit.
The Pump
Is not far off; if 'twere, the Sink is near,
Or a good Jordan.

Mad.
You have now no Money.

Shun.
But are a Rascal.

P. sen.
I am cheated, robb'd,
Jeer'd by confederacy.

Fit.
No, you are kick'd,

[and spurn him.

And used kindly, as you should be.

Shun.
Spurn'd
From all Commerce of Men, who are a Cur.

[Kicks him out.

Alm.
A stinking Dog in a Doublet, with foul Linnen.

Mad.
A snarling Rascal, hence.

Shun.
Out.

[He exclaims.

P. sen.
Well, remember,
I am cozen'd by my Cousin, and his Whore!
Bane o' these Meetings in Apollo!

Lic.
Go, Sir,
You will be tost like Block, in a Blanket, else.

[One of his Dogs.

P. jun.
Down with him, Lickfinger.

P. sen.
Saucy Jack, away;

Pecunia
is a Whore.

P. jun.
Play him down, Fidlers,
And drown his Noise. Who's this!

Fit.
O, Master Pied-mantle!