The Staple of News Act 2 Scene 5

Peni-boy jun. Peni-boy sen. Pick-lock, Canter.
Broker, Pecunia, Statute, Band, Wax, Mortgage,
Hid in the Study.

How now, old Uncle? I am come to see thee,
And the brave Lady here, the Daughter of Ophir,
They say thou keepst.

P. sen.
Sweet Nephew, if she were
The Daughter of the Sun, she's at your service,
And so am I, and the whole Family,
VVorshipful Nephew.

P. jun.
Saist thou so, dear Uncle?
VVelcome my Friends then: Here is Domine Picklock,
My Man o' Law, sollicits all my Causes,
Follows my Business, makes and compounds my Quarrels
Between my Tenants and me; sows all my Strifes,
And reaps them too; troubles the Country for me,
And vexes any Neighbour that I please.

P. sen.
But with Commission?

P. jun.
Under my Hand and Seal.

P. sen.
A worshipful Place!

Pic.
I thank his VVorship for it.

P. sen.
But what is this old Gentleman.

P. Ca.
A Rogue,
A very Canter, I, Sir, one that maunds
Upon the Pad: VVe should be Brothers though;
For you are near as wretched as my self,
You dare not use your Money, and I have none.

P. sen.
Not use my Money, cogging Jack! who uses it
At better Rates? lets it for more i' the Hundred,
Than I do, Sirrah?

P. jun.
Be not angry, Uncle.

P. sen.
VVhat? to disgrace me, with my Queen, as if
I did not know her Value.

P. Ca.
Sir, I meant
You durst not to enjoy it.

P. sen.
Hold your peace,
You are a Jack.

[Young Peni-boy is

P. jun.
Uncle, he shall be a John,

angry.

And you go to that, as good a Man as you are:
An' I can make him so, a better Man;
Perhaps I will too. Come, let us go.

P. sen.
Nay, Kinsman,
My worshipful Kinsman, and the top of our House,
Do not your penitent Uncle that Affront,
For a rash word, to leave his joyful Threshold,
Before you see the Lady that you long for,
The Venus of the Time and State, Pecunia!
I do perceive, your Bounty loves the Man,
For some concealed Vertue, that he hides
Under those Rags.

P. Ca.
I owe my Happiness to him,
The waiting on his Worship, since I brought him
The happy News, welcome to all young Heirs.

P. jun.
Thou didst indeed, for which I thank thee yet.
Your Fortunate Princess, Uncle, is long a coming.

P. Ca.
She is not rigg'd, Sir; setting forth some Lady,
Will cost as much as furnishing a Fleet.
Here she's come at last, and like a Gally

[The Study is open'd, where she sits in State.

Gilt i' the Prow.

P. jun.
Is this Pecunia?

P. sen.
Vouchsafe my toward Kinsman, gracious Madam,
The Favour of your Hand.

[She kisseth him.

Pec.
Nay of my Lips Sir,
To him.

P. jun.
She kisses like a mortal Creature.
Almighty Madam, I have long'd to see you.

Pec.
And I have my desire, Sir, to behold
That Youth and Shape, which in my Dreams and Wakes
I have so oft contemplated, and felt
Warm in my Veins, and native as my Blood.
When I was told of your arrival here,
I felt my Heart beat, as it would leap out
In Speech; and all my Face it was a Flame:
But how it came to pass, I do not know.

P. jun.
O! Beauty loves to be more proud than Nature,
That made you blush. I cannot satisfie
My curious Eyes, by which alone I'm happy,
In my beholding you.

P. Ca.
They pass the Complement

[He kisseth her.

Prettily well.

Pic.
I, he does kiss her, I like him.

P. jun.
My Passion was clear contrary, and doubtful,
I shook for fear, and yet I danc'd for joy,
I had such Motions as the Sun-beams make
Against a Wall, or playing on a Water,
Or trembling Vapour of a boyling Pot —

P. sen.
That's not so good; it should ha' been a Crucible
VVith molten Metal, she had understood it.

P. jun.
I cannot talk, but I can love you, Madam:
Are these your Gentlewomen? I love them too.
And which is Mistris Statute? Mistris Band?
They all kiss close, the last stuck to my Lips.

Bro.
It was my Ladies Chamber-maid, soft Wax.

P. jun.
Soft Lips she has, I am sure on't. Mother Mortgage
I'll owe a Kiss, till she be younger. Statute,
Sweet Mistris Band, and honey, little Wax,
VVe must be better acquainted.

[He doubles the Complement to them all.

Sta.
VVe are but Servants, Sir.

Band.
But whom her Grace is so content to grace,
VVe shall observe.

Wax.
And with all fit respect.

Mor.
In our poor Places.

Wax.
Being her Graces Shadows.

P. jun.
A fine well-spoken Family. What's thy name?

Bro.
Broker.

P. jun.
Methinks my Uncle should not need thee,
Who is a crafty Knave enough, believe it.
Art thou her Graces Steward?

Bro.
No, her Usher, Sir.

P. jun.
What, o' the Hall? thou hast a sweeping Face,
Thy Beard is like a Broom. Bro. No barren Chin, Sir,
I am no Eunuch, though a Gentleman-Usher.

P. jun.
Thou shalt go with us. Uncle I must have
My Princess forth to day.

P. sen.
Whither you please, Sir,
You shall command her.

Pec.
I will do all grace
To my new Servant.

P. sen.
Thanks unto your bounty;
He is my Nephew, and my Chief, the Point,

[Old Peni-boy thanks her, but makes his Condition.

Tip, Top, and Tuft of all our Family!
But, Sir, condition'd always you return
Statute, and Band home, with my sweet, soft Wax,
And my good Nurse, here, Mortgage.

P. jun.
O! what else?

P. sen.
By Broker.

P. Ju.
Do not fear.

P. sen.
She shall go wi' you,
Whither you please, Sir, any where.

P. Ca.
I see
A Money-Bawd, is lightly a Flesh-Bawd too.

Pic.
Are you advis'd? Now o' my faith, this Canter
Would make a good grave Burgess in some Barn.

P. ju.
Come, thou shalt go with us Uncle.

P. Ca.
By no means, Sir.

P. ju.
We'll have both Sack, and Fidlers.

P. sen.
I'll not draw that charge upon your Worship.

P. Ca.
He speaks modestly,
And like an Uncle.

P. sen.
But Mas Broker, here,
He shall attend you, Nephew; her Graces Usher,
And what you fancy to bestow on him,
Be not too lavish, use a temperate Bounty,
I'll take it to my self.

P. jun.
I will be Princely,
While I possess my Princess, my Pecunia.

P. sen.
Where is't you eat?

P. jun.
Hard by, at Picklocks Lodging,
Old Lickfinger's the Cook, here in Ram-Alley.

P. sen.
He has good Chear; perhaps I'll come and see you.

P. Can.
O, fie! an Alley, and a Cooks-shop, gross,

[The Canter takes him aside and perswades him.

'Twill favour, Sir, most rankly of 'em both.
Let your Meat rather follow you to a Tavern.

Pic.
A Tavern's as unfit too for a Princess.

P. Ca.
No, I have known a Princess, and a great one,
Come forth of a Tavern.

Pic.
Not go in, Sir, though.

P. Ca.
She must go in, if she came forth: the blessed
Pokahontas (as the Historian calls her
And great Kings Daughter of Virginia)
Hath been in Womb of a Tavern; and besides,
Your nasty Uncle will spoil all your mirth,
And be as noysom.

Pic.
That's true.

P. Ca.
No 'faith,
Dine in Apollo with Pecunia,
At brave Duke Wadloos, have your Friends about you,
And make a day on't.

P. jun.
Content 'i faith:
Our Meat shall be brought thither. Simon the King,
Will bid us welcom.

Pic.
Patron, I have a suit.

P. jun.
What's that?

Pic.
That you will carry the Infanta
To see the Staple, her Grace will be a grace,
To all the Members of it.

P. jun.
I will do it:
And have her Arms set up there, with her Titles,
Aurelia Clara Pecunia, the Infanta.
And in Apollo. Come (sweet Princess) go.

P. sen.
Broker, be careful of your charge.

Bro.
I warrant you.

The second Intermean after the second Act.

Censure.
Why this is duller and duller! intolerable! scur-
vy! neither Devil nor Fool in this Play! pray God
some on us be not a Witch, Gossip, to forespeak the matter thus.
Mirth. I fear we are all such, and we were old enough:
But we are not all old enough to make one Witch. How like
you the Vice i' the Play.

Expectation.
Which is he?

Mirth.
Three or four: old Covetousness, the sordid Peni-
boy, the Money-bawd, who is a Flesh-bawd too, they say.

Tattle.
But here is never a Fiend to carry him away.
Besides, he has never a Wooden Dagger! I'ld not give a Rush
for a Vice, that has not a Wooden Dagger to snap at every
body he meets.

Mirth.
That was the old way, Gossip, when Iniquity
came in like Hokos Pokos, in a Juglers Jerkin, with false
Skirts, like the Knave of Clubs! but now they are attir'd like
Men and Women o' the time, the Vices Male and Female!Podigality like a young Heir, and his Mistris Money
(whose Favours he scatters like Counters) prank't up like a
prime Lady, the Infanta of the Mines.

Cen.
I, therein they abuse an honourable Princess, it is
thought.

Mirth.
By whom is it so thought? or where lyes the abuse?
Cen. Plain in the stiling her Infanta, and giving her
three Names.

Mirth.
Take heed it lye not in the Vice of your interpreta-
tion: what have Aurelia, Clara, Pecunia to do with any
Person? do they any more, but express the property of Money,
which is the Daughter of Earth, and drawn out of the Mines?
Is there nothing to be call'd Infanta, but what is subject to
exception? Why not the Infanta of the Beggers? or Infanta
o' the Gipsies? as well as King of Beggers, and King of
Gipsies?

Cen.
Well, and there were no wiser than I, I would sow
him in a Sack, and send him by Sea to his Princess.

Mirth.
Faith, and he heard you, Censure, he would go
near to stick the Asses Ears to your high dressing, and per-
haps to all ours for harkening to you.

Tattle.
By'r Lady but he should not to mine, I would
harken, and harken, and censure, if I saw cause, for th'
other Princess sake Pokahontas, surnam'd the Blessed,
whom he has abus'd indeed (and I do censure him, and will
censure him) to say she came forth of a Tavern, was said
like a paltry Poet.

Mirth.
That's but one Gossips Opinion, and my GossipTattle's too! but what says Expectation, here, she sits sullen
and silent.

Expectation.
Troth I expect their Office, their great Of-
fice! the Staple, what it will be! they have talk't on't, but
we see't not open yet; would Butter would come in, and
spread it self a little to us.

Mirth.
Or the Butter-box, Buz, the Emissary.

Tattle.
When it is churn'd, and dish't, we shall hear of it.
Expectation. If it be fresh and sweet Butter; but say it
be sowr and wheyish.

Mirth.
Then it is worth nothing, meer Pot Butter, fit to
be spent in Suppositories, or greasing Coach-wheels, stale
stinking Butter, and such I fear it is, by the being barrell'd
up so long.

Expectation, Or rank Irish Butter.

Cen.
Have patience Gossip, say that, contrary to our ex-
pectation, it prove right, seasonable, salt Butter.

Mirth.
Or to the time of year, in Lent, delicate Almond
Butter! I have a sweet Tooth yet, and I will hope the best;
and sit down as quiet and calm as Butter; look as smooth
and soft as Butter; be merry and melt like Butter; laugh
and be fat like Butter: so Butter answer my Expectation,
and be not mad butter; If it be: It shall both July and De-
cember see!
I say no more, but — Dixi.

To the R E A D E R S.

IN this following Act, the Office is open'd, and shew'n to
the Prodigal, and his Princess Pecunia, wherein theAllegory, and purpose of the Author hath hitherto been
wholly mistaken, and so sinister an Interpretation been made,
as if the Souls of most of the Spectators had liv'd in the
Eyes and Ears of these ridiculous Gossips that tattle between
the Acts. But he prays you thus to mend it. To consider theNews here vented to be none of his News, or any reasonable
Mans; but News made like the Times News, (a weekly
Cheat to draw Money) and could not be fitter reprehended,
than in raising this ridiculous Office of the Staple, wherein
the Age may see her own Folly, or hunger and thirst after
publish'd Pamphlets of News, set out every Saturday, but made
all at home, and no Syllable of truth in them; than which there
cannot be a greater Disease in Nature, or a fouler scorn put up-
on the Times, And so apprehending it, you shall do the Au-
thor and your own Judgment a Courtesie, and perceive the
Trick of alluring Money to the Office, and there coz'ning the
people. If you have the Truth, rest quiet, and consider that

Ficta, voluptatis causa, sint proxima veris.