The Magical Kingdom of Claus

Dorothy

Look, Toto! There it is! The mall!

Toto

Yap, yap, yap!

Dorothy

Gee, it's a lot bigger than the stores back home. I bet they waste a lot of electricity with all those decorations. I sure hope Santa's there

Elf

Who are you?!

Dorothy

I'm Dorothy, and I'm trying to find Santa's workshop

Elf

The mall is closed! Now, go away!

Dorothy

But we've come so far on the yellow snow road. My shoes got wrecked and I brought Auntie Em's gold card with me. It's got a $10,000 limit

Elf

Now, now, calm down little girl. You got a gold card? Why didn't ya' say so? That's a card of a different color. Come on in

Santa (loud, booming voice)

Ho ho ho! I am the overweight and wonderful Claus. Who dares disturb my long winter's nap?

Dorothy

I-if you please, sir, Mr. Claus, I-I'm Dorothy and I want...

Santa

Silence! The great Claus knows why you are here. Look, it's been a long day. My lap is tired and I'm out of film. Besides, I have to feed my reindeer

Dorothy

Hey, who's that?

Santa

Pay no attention to that skinny guy behind the escalator. The one with the pillow tied behind his waist. I am the overweight and wonderful (voice becomes a lot less deep) Claus. Oh, man, am I starving. Ah, ya' got a sandwich on ya'?

Dorothy

Why, you're not Santa Claus at all

Santa

Well, I'm afraid I am. You see, Mrs. Claus put me on the Slim Fast diet. Ah, I'm supposed to have a belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly. Now all I have is shakes. One for breakfast, one for lunch and a sensible cookie and skim milk for dinner. I hate it

Dorothy

How come you're not making toys up at the North Pole? It's almost Christmas

Santa

Oh, I'm out of the manufacturing business, Dorothy. I'm just a middleman now

Dorothy

But don't you still deliver the toys?

Santa

Oh, yeah. Guaranteed overnight delivery. Absolutely, positively by 2 A.M

Dorothy

Well, where do you get the presents? (sound of doorbell ringing)

Santa

Oh, uh, hang on a second

Deliveryman

Delivery for Mr. Kringle. Ah, thank you, please. Oh, zank you very much

Santa

Oh no, just put them over there by the, uh, VCRs, okay? Thanks a lot, guys

Dorothy

Gee, what happened to Santa's workshop?

(music of "If I Only Had a Brain" from The Wizard of Oz begins playing)

Santa

You know, looking back, I should have seen it coming. Boy, I was the king of the North Pole. Afraid of nobody. I could build anything

But then the kids got into go-bots
Nintendo games and robots
It wasn't quite the same

I could make one thousand scooters
But I never learned computers
So the shop went down the drain

Elves

We were busy building wagons
Till orders started draggin'

Santa

It really was a shame

Elves

The Japanese were on a mission

Elf

We were blind to competition

Santa

We was busy making trains

Elves

We thought we made it all
From Barbie dolls to rubber balls
But Betsy Wetsy took a fall

Santa

They marked her down

Elves

She's at the mall!

Santa

All the games are complicated
That joystick's overrated
It really rots your brain

Elves

All the kids would be in heaven

Female Elves

Instead of hangin' at 7-Eleven

Santa

If they only had a train
O-o-o-o-hh!

Dorothy

(sobs)

I guess Santa's workshop is gone forever

Santa

Oh, I'm sorry, Dorothy. I wish there was something I could do to help. But I gotta get busy. It's almost Christmas, and I gotta put batteries in all these Game Boys

Elf

Rook. Here comes somebody who can help

Santa

Oh, how does she do that?

Elf

Oh, very easy. Horographic projections. Ratest technology

Dorothy

Oh, can you help?

Female Fairy

Santa never needed any help. He had the power to work out of the North Pole all along

Santa

I do? I mean, I did? I do?

Dorothy

So what should we do? Click our heels together?

Female Fairy

Oh, no. That only works in the movies. All he has to do is just hook these up

Dorothy

Why, it's a fax machine

Santa

And a cellular phone with voice messaging. And, look, a pager! I'm back in business. Ho, ho, ho!

Dorothy

Can it be true? Will the elves be making toys again?

Santa

They will if they move to Mexico. I can save a bundle if I do my manufacturing south of the border. And with these gizmos, I can keep track of who's naughty and who's nice from anywhere!

Dorothy

Jiminy Christmas! Oh no!