The Losing Edge

[A baseball field in scenic Rocky Mountain territory. Stan is
on the pitching mound]

KYLE:
This is is, Stan. If you strike this
kid out, we all get to go home.

[Announcer's Booth]

LOCAL ANNOUNCER 1:
Now batting for Conifer is little Alan
Barkas.

[The bleachers]

RANDY:
Heeey batterbatterbatterbatter heydn
no hit no hit can't hit can't hit can't
hit it can't hit it can't hit it.

MR. BARKAS:
Hit it out of the park, Alan! South
Park sucks!

MR. DONOVAN:
Just look at those boys out there,
lovin' the great game of baseball like
we did when we were kids.

[the field]

KYLE:
Aw God, I'm so borrred.

BUTTERS:
I see a ladybug- Hello lady ladybug.

UMPIRE:
Strike.

MR. BARKAS:
That was no strike! What the hell is
wrong with you, ref?

RANDY:
Good call, ref! Good call!

MR. BARKAS:
Come on, Alan! This pitcher throws like
a girl!

RANDY:
What'd you say?!

MR. BARKAS:
You heard me, asshole!

RANDY:
You want me to kick your ass right here?!

SHARON:
Randy, sit down.

MR. BARKAS:
You want a piece of me?! 'Cause I'm
pretty sick of your Goddamned mouth!

RANDY:
Whattaya wanna do, huh? Whattaya wanna
do?

SHARON:
Randy, don't!

MR. BARKAS:
You'd better shut up, asshole!

RANDY:
I'm standin' right here! How do you
wanna handle it?

MR. BARKAS:
I told you to SHUT UP!

STAN:
Aw Jesus, not again.

[moments later]

KYLE:
Come on, Stan! Just strike this kid
out so we can end the season!

UMPIRE:
Strike three! You're out!

STAN:
Yes! It's over! It's over!

LOCAL ANNOUNCER 1:
That's it. South Park wins the game
4 to 0.

CARTMAN:
We're done! No more baseball!

KYLE:
No more boring baseball until next year!

STAN:
We can start having fun again!

CARTMAN:
All right, we did it!

STAN:
We did it! We did it!

STEVEN:
Yeah, we did it, boys! We did it! We're
going to the finals! Woohoo!

STAN:
... What?

STEVEN:
Well we won! That means we've got the
best record in the division!

KYLE'S FATHER:
Congratulations, boys! You're goin'
on to the post-season. Woohoo!

CARTMAN:
Post-season?

KYLE:
Nobody said anything about a post-season.

TOM:
There's more little-league baseball
for South Park! Yehheah!

STAN:
No... NOOO!!

[Outside, after the game. Randy is hauled off to a waiting patrol
car, drunk and tattered. His pants are down to his ankles]

RANDY:
This is for what?! Arresting me for
what?! I'm not allowed to stand up for
myself?! I thought this was America!
Huh?! Isn't this America!? I'm sorry,
I thought this was America!

[Whistlin' Willy's, night. The boys are gathered there for a
pizza dinner]

KYLE:
I can't believe it. I can't believe
we have to keep on playing.

CARTMAN:
Nobody told us if we win too many games
we'd go on to the finals!

STAN:
Look, you guys, maybe it's not all that
bad.

CRAIG:
Not all that bad?? How could you say
that?! You hate this game more than
any of us!

STAN:
I know, but listen: the finals are all
sudden-deatn elimination, right? That
means as soon as we lose one game, our
season is over.

BUTTERS:
Well yeah, but... we usually win.

CRAIG:
All the other teams are worse than us.

JIMMY:
Yeah. Let's face it, we're winners.

STAN:
I know we can lose if we try.

KYLE:
You mean, throw the game? You know how
our parents are about this sport.

BUTTERS:
Yeah. My dad always said "It's Okay
to lose, but if you don't try, wuh you're
grounded, Mister."

THE OTHER BOYS:
Yeah, uh huh.

STAN:
Okay, so then we'll just tell the other
team quietly that we're gonna let them
win, and then we'll act like we're trying.
Our parents will never know.

BUTTERS:
We'd better hope they never know, or
else there's gonna be heck to pay. Heck,
I tell ya!

[At the entrance of Whistlin' Willy's, the adults are gathered,
relaxing]

KYLE'S FATHER:
Boy, that was great, wasn't it?!

MR. DONOVAN:
Yeah, our boys really stuck it to 'em!

RANDY:
Heeey!

MEN:
Heeey!

STEVEN:
You're out.

KYLE'S FATHER:
How much was bail this time?

STAN:
Hundred bucks, no big whoop.

RICHARD:
Boy, you really beat the crap out of
that Conifer dad.

RANDY:
Well somebody had to put that knucklehead
in his place.

STEVEN:
Yeah, well, you'd better watch yourself
in the playoffs.

RANDY:
Wha-what do you mean?

STEVEN:
I mean, you always get in a fight with
scrappy redneck dats up here in the
mountains, but some of those Division
Two dads are tough!

KYLE'S FATHER:
Yeah, those dads get REALLY drunk and
obnoxious.

RANDY:
I can fight anybody. I just need to
train. I just need to get in the best
shape of my life.

DJ:
-the Beatles in the White Album in Helter
Skelter. Okay.

[Randy rises from the bed and sits up, leaves the bed and shrugs,
and wipes his nose a bit. He enters the kitchen, gets a glass,
then goes to the refrigerator. He gets three eggs, cracks them
open on the rim of the glass, and pours them into the glass.
He picks up the glass and moves off a bit, then pours the eggs
into a hot pan and scrambles them. He then picks up a beer, drinks,
burps, and farts]

[Fort Collins baseball field, night]

FC ANNOUNCER:
We want to welcome all South Park parents
to Fort Collins, and the Little League
Division One Playoffs.

STAN:
Uhh, hay guys, look, we don't wanna
win, so uh, here's a list of all the
pitches I'm gonna throw, in order.

FC TEAM:
Ooooo!

FC FAT PLAYER:
I don't think so, South Park

FC PITCHER:
Yeah, you think we wanna win? Then we
have to keep playing this boring game!

FC TEAM:
Yeah!

KYLE:
You hate this game too?

FC BATTER:
Yeah! And then we won the stupid regionals
and had to do this lousy-ass tournament!

FC CATCHER:
We wanna play video games.

BUTTERS:
Oh no!

STAN:
Look! We're gonna be the losers tonight,
all right?!

FC PITCHER:
I don't think so! There's no way you
can lose to us! We're going doowwn!
We're gonna get creeaamed!

KYLE:
No, we're gonna get creamed!

FC BATTER:
We'll just see about that!

SP TEAM:
Oh yeah?

FC TEAM:
Yeah!

RANDY:
Oh boy, they're really gettin' into
each others' heads out there. Yeah!
Let's go, South Park! These Fort Collins
kids got nothin'! Wooo!

MR. PRATT:
Come on, Fort Collins! Let 'em have
it! Yeah!

RANDY:
Guess that's my guy. I can take him,
no problem.

CARTMAN:
All right, hit one out of the park!

FC ANNOUNCER:
And first up for Fort Collins is...
Morgan Pratt.

RANDY:
Heeey batterbatterbatterbatter batteruuuuuuuupp
batterbatterbatterbatter!

MR. PRATT:
Knock it out of the park, Morgan! Cream
these turds!

UMPIRE:
Steerike!

RANDY:
Yeah!

FC TEAM:
Yeah, all right!

STAN:
Damnit!

CARTMAN:
Come on, kid, you gotta at least swing
at it.

MORGAN:
No way! I'm striking out!

KYLE:
Dude, he's not gonna swing! So just
throw balls. That way he'll have to
walk to first base.

UMPIRE:
Ball!

CARTMAN:
All right!

FC PITCHER:
Morgan!

MORGAN:
What?

FC PITCHER:
You have to swing when it's a ball,
otherwise, you're gonna walk to first
base. Don't swing, only if it's a strike!

MORGAN:
Well how the Sam Hell am I supposed
to know if he's gonna be throwing a
strike or a ball?!

FC PITCHER:
You just have to guess.

MORGAN:
Aw, Jesus!

CARTMAN:
Ball. Balll.

UMPIRE:
Steerike two!

STAN:
No!

CARTMAN:
That was no strike, that was a terrible
pitch! You need some Goddamned lasik
surgery!

RANDY:
Attaway, South Park! They ain't swingin'
at nothin'!

MR. PRATT:
Come on Fort Collins! This team can't
pitch! There you go, Morgan! Run run
run!

MORGAN:
Aw damnit!

FC PITCHER:
Why the hell did you swing at it?!

MORGAN:
Well I thought he was gonna throw a
ball that time!

UMPIRE:
Strike three! You're out!

FC BATTER 1:
All right!

[Later. Fort Collins is pitching; The pitch is wide as Cartman
waits at bat]

UMPIRE:
Ball four!

CARTMAN:
What?!

RANDY:
Walk to first! Woo!

CARTMAN:
Aw Goddamnit!

UMPIRE:
Safe!

KYLE:
Crud!

RANDY:
Fort Collins can't play!

MR. PRATT:
Why don't you shut your mouth before
I kick your ass!

RANDY:
Come on, let's go! I'm right here!

SHARON:
Randy...

MR. PRATT:
Sit down before you get hurt! Mother
bitch!

STAN:
Goddamnit!

UMPIRE:
Strike three!

FC ANNOUNCER:
That's it. South Park wins the game.

STAN:
Aw spit!

RANDY:
Oh I'm sorry! Why don'tcha get 'im
on chars in America, I'm sorry!

[Greeley, CO, day, Greeley Field, home of the Tigers. Stan pitches,
the Greeley batter chases a pitch]

UMPIRE:
Strike three. You're out.

GREELEY BATTER:
Yeah!

GREELEY TEAM:
All right! Yeah! Woohoo!

GREELEY MAN:
Goddmanit Brian, swing!

RANDY:
Greeley sucks! Greeley sucks!

[South Park is up. Its batter sees a ball and doesn't swing]

UMPIRE:
Ball four!

BUTTERS:
Aw hamburgers.

SP TEAM:
God!

[on the field. The Greeley batter doesn't swing]

UMPIRE:
Strike three!

CARTMAN:
How the hell was that a strike?! Goddamnit,
he's going to first!

[After the game. Randy is hauled off a third time]

RANDY:
What, is this a Communist country or
something?! I thought this was America!

[Pueblo, CO. day. A Pueblo batter swings and misses]

UMPIRE:
¡Strrrrike tres!

PUEBLO TEAM:
Bueno bueno! Bueno! Espectacular!

PUEBLO DAD:
¡Vamonos Pueblo! ¡Viva la Pueblo!

RANDY:
¡Pueblo, no bueno! ¡Pueblo es muy mal!

UMPIRE:
¡Ball cuatro, por favor!

RANDY:
This is America! This is an honest America!

[Whistlin' Willy's. The team is at table again, but with a trophy
they didn't want. The adults begin to approach them]

STEVEN:
Can you believe it, boys?! We're playing
in the State Championship Game!

KYLE:
We're so proud of you kids!

CARTMAN:
What happens if we win the State Championship
game?

STEVEN:
Well, then your whole season starts
over, but on the national circuit! You
get to spend your whole summer playing
baseball!

KYLE:
What??

MR. DONOVAN:
You could do it, kids! We know you can
win State!

STEVEN:
Then we'll spend the whole summer going
to Nebraska, and to Iowa, and Wyoming.

STAN:
Oh no. No, no, no!

[Outside the restaurant, day. Randy stands by the curb looking
into space. He has a black eye. The doors open and Stan walks
out]

STAN:
Dad? Dad, we need to talk.

RANDY:
Can you believe it, Stan? State Championship
game. It's... the greatest thing ever.

STAN:
Goddamnit.

RANDY:
I've worked hard, believed in myself,
and now I'm gonna be fighting in a State
Championship game. This is gonna be
the biggest fight of my life.

[South Park News]

ANNOUNCER:
This is News 4, at noon.

[Coors Field, in Denver]

ANCHOR TOM:
The Colorado Little League State Championship
is being played this week. Two teams
of youngsters get to go head to head
at the major-league stadium downtown.

REPORTER:
Tom, I'm standing here with the little
sluggers and some of their parents,
and I can;t tell you how excited they
are.

STAN:
I don't suppose you guys want to win
this game.

DENVER PLAYER:
Win? Why the hell would we want to win?

DENVER PLAYER 2:
Yeah. Then we'd have to play this boring
game all summer.

REPORTER:
Little Stan Marsh is the pitcher for
the South Park Little League team, and
Stan, how does it feel to be playing
for the State Championship?

STAN:
Gay.

REPORTER:
Mr. Marsh, you must be very proud of
your son.

RANDY:
They've worked really hard to get here,
Chris, and, you know, I don't like to
really "trash-talk," but, I don't think
Denver has a chance.

REPORTER CHRIS:
Oho, well, I'm sure some of the Denver
kids' parents would disagree with you
and your team-

BAT DAD:
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! South Park is goin'
down! Feel it comin'! You ain't got
a chance, South Park! Here we go, Denver,
here we go! Huh, huh!

KYLE'S MOTHER:
Who's that?

A WOMAN:
That's Tom Nelson, one of the Denver
players' fathers. He goes to every game
in that ridiculous outfit and usually
drinks too much and gets into a fight.

TOM NELSON:
There ain't no way some little mountain
kids can beat Denver. Not with my son
on second base!

REPORTER CHRIS:
Oho, looks like we got some parental
trash talking going on here. Mr. Marsh,
any comments?

RANDY:
Well I think that there's a uh...

TOM NELSON:
Mr. Marsh?? Who wants to hear from a
Mr. Marsh?! Iii am the ultimate Little
League trash-talking father! Iii am
the Bat Dad!

DENVER COP:
All right, Mr. Nelson, let's go, come
on.

TOM NELSON:
Bat Dad knows no fear! Bat Dad knows
no pain! I want you, Marsh! I want you!!

REPORTER CHRIS:
Well, tension is certainly high here,
but I guess everything will be decided
on the playing field.

RANDY:
Oh my God.

DENVER PLAYER 3:
Good luck! You're gonna need it.

DENVER PLAYER 4:
Yeah, you can't lose to us. We're terrible.

KYLE:
Dude, what are we gonna do?? We can't
win this game.

CARTMAN:
Wiat. I've got it, you guys. A fifth
point in a sports movie, the team always
goes out and finds a really sweet player
to join their team.

CLYDE:
Like that motorcycle kid in Bad News
Bears.

CARTMAN:
Exactly right, Clyde. So what we need...
is to find somebody to join our team,
who totally sucks ass.

STAN:
Hey yeah. We need to find the very worst
kid athlete in the whole world. Somebody
who can't possibly win.

CRAIG:
But who?

KYLE:
I know who.

[The airport, day]

ANNOUNCER:
Announcing the arrival of flight six
seven three, from New York City.

KYLE 1:
I'm baaack!

KYLE:
There he is! Now, don't let him know
we think he's a loser, or else he won't
play.

KYLE 1:
Hello, cousin Kyle. Oh Jesus, that flight
was terrible. They served a chicken
dish with hot sauce and it gave me gas.

KYLE:
Dude, thanks for helping us out by joining
our team.

KYLE 1:
Well, you said you needed my help to
win the big game, so here I am. I'll
need a wipe cloth if I'm gonna play,
though. Sometimes I sweat from holding
the bat for so long and then the heat
steams up my glasses.

CRAIG:
He's perfect.

STAN
Yeah, with him on our team, we don't
stand a chance.

[Coors Field. No one is in there except Randy, who walks along
the stands looking around. He sees a sign that sais "Colorado
Little League State Championship." He moves along. Next, he's
at a beach far from Colorado looking at the sunset. He sneaks
back into his bedroom as Sharon sleeps, closes the door softly,
and sits on the side of the bed.]

RANDY:
...I'm not gonna go.

SHARON:
What?

RANDY:
Stan's little league game, I'm... I'm
not gonna go.

SHARON:
Why?

RANDY:
I just... don't think I can, all right?

SHARON:
You don't think you can?! This is the
biggest game of your son's life! Wny
wouldn't you go and support him? What-?

RANDY:
Because I'm scared, all right?! You
wanna break me down?! You wanna hear
me say it?! I'm scared! I don't know
if I believe in myself anymore. I don't
know if I can take this guy, Sharon.

SHARON:
So then, don't. You don't have to get
in fights with other parents at Little
League games! Just sit there and watch!

RANDY:
Look, I get what you're trying to do.
You're trying to get me to realize that
I have to fight him because it's who
I am.

SHARON:
No, I'm telling you you don't have to
get thrown out of games and make an
ass of yourself.

RANDY:
I've lost the edge. I'm sorry, Sharon.
But you have to take Stan to his Little
League game alone.

[Coors Field, day]

ANNOUNCER:
Welcoem to the Colorado Little League
State Championship Game! This must
be pretty exciting for these youngsters.
A chance to go to the national circuit.

DENVER PITCHER:
You know what these guys look like to
me? A bunch of winners!

DENVER CATCHER:
Yeah! We're about to get our asses kicked!

CARTMAN:
I don't think so! You guys are way too
good! You're the best at this game!

DENVER PITCHER:
You're the best!

KYLE:
You guys are so good you'll probably
go all the way to win the national title!

DENVER PITCHER:
Not a chance, 'cause we're gonna lose
to you right now!

BAT DAD:
Here we go, Denver! These South Park
kids got nothin' on you! Let's go, Denver!

WOMAN:
Chris, will you sit down?

ANNOUNCER:
First up to bat for South Park, Kyle
Schwartz.

KYLE 1:
Where do I stand?

UMPIRE:
R-right over here.

KYLE 1:
Don't throw the ball too fast, because
I might get startled and I have asthma.

UMPIRE:
Strike 1!

SP TEAM:
Yeah! All right!

KYLE 1:
Jesus, not so close! That was three
feet from hitting me in the head!

SECOND BASEMAN:
He's not gonna swing! Throw balls!

KYLE 1:
Oh Jesus!

UMPIRE:
Strike 2!

SP TEAM:
Yeah!

STAN:
Wow, he IS great at sucking.

CARTMAN:
We're gonna lose! We're gonna lose!

KYLE 1:
Don't throw it so hard or so close next
time! Is it cold out here? I think I
need a jacket.

UMPIRE:
It's a bunt!

MR. DONOVAN:
Run kid, run!

KYLE 1:
Oh Jesus!

KYLE:
Aw crap!

KYLE 1:
I can't, I can't keep running like
this! I have corns in my feet!

STEVEN:
Keep running, kid!

BAT DAD:
Throw the ball to third, you idiots!
He's runnin' home!

UMPIRE:
Safe!

KYLE 1:
Oh Jesus, did you see that?? I hit a
homerun! High-five, everybody!

KYLE:
Oh my God... their pitcher was able
to hit him right on the bat.

STAN:
Dude, we had it all wrong. While we
spent all our time trying to make our
tean suck, these guys practiced and
got really good at sucking.

TOKEN:
No!

MR. WILLIAMS:
Yeeaahh! Go Token go!

[Denver is up to bat]

BAT DAD:
All right, Denver! You're up to bat
now!

UMPIRE:
Out!

DENVER TEAM:
Yaaay!

KYLE:
Jesus Christ! They can bat themselves
out! Our whole summer, dude. We have
to play this boring game all summer
long.

BUTTERS:
Son of a biscuit!

[Coors field, later]

ANNOUNCER:
It's the bottom of the last inning here
at Coors Field; the score is South Park
23, Denver 0.

UMPIRE:
Strike 1!

BAT DAD:
Come on, Denver! Get the lead out! Do
not cross the Bat Daaad!

KYLE'S FATHER:
Geez I realy wish this guy would shut
up.

BAT DAD:
Why don't you just go home, South Park?
You can't beat Denver!

A VOICE:
Denver sucks ass! Come on, South Park!
These kids can't play! In fact, these
kids are terrible!

UMPIRE:
Strike 2!

KYLE 1:
Oh Jesus, we're gonna win! I I never
won a sport before; this is so exciting.

RANDY:
It's over, Denver! South Park whupped
your ass!

BAT DAD:
You'd better shut your mouth before
I shut it for you!

RANDY:
What do you wanna do, huh?

STAN:
This can't get any worse.

BAT DAD:
Now for the finishing move! You're
about to be Bat-Dadded!

COMMENTATOR:
It all comes down to this! South Park
is just one pitch away from being State
Champions. Oh geez, it looks like two
parents are fighting. They'd better
be careful. The Little League has a
no-tolerance policy.

UMPIRE:
Stop! Stop, or you're gonna get your
teams disqualified!

STAN:
Disqualified? Fight! Keep fighting!

UMPIRE 2:
Break it up! Break it up! That's enough!
The next person that fights is getting
his team disqualified!

BAT DAD:
He's done for anyway.

STAN:
Come on, Dad! Get up!

KYLE:
Get up! You have to fight!

UMPIRE 2:
All right, come on! Let's play ball!

SP TEAM:
Randy! Randy! Randy!

MICKEY:
Get up, Randy! Get up, ya bum!

SHARON:
Get up, Randy! Fight! Fight for me!

CROWD:
Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
Randy! Randy! Randy!

RANDY:
Hey Bat Dad! I didn't hear no bell.

SP TEAM:
Yeah!

UMPIRE 2:
Stop, stop right now! I'm warning you,
sir! That's it! That's it! South Park
is disqualified!

SP TEAM:
Yeah!

SP ADULTS:
Aww!

COMMENTATOR:
South Park has been disqualified from
the game! Denver wins!

KYLE 1:
We... We lost.

RANDY:
What? I thought this was a free country!

STAN:
Dad! You're the greatest.