Die Hippie, Die!

[An elderly woman's home. Cartman rings her doorbell, and she
answers it. Cartman is dressed in an orange hazmat suit and is
carrying a tank of something on his back]

CARTMAN:
Hello, ma'am. I'm working to clean up
the neighborhood from parasites. Do
you mind if I take a quick look around
your house? I'm afraid you may have
hippies.

ELDERLY WOMAN:
Hippies?

CARTMAN:
Yeah, they've been poppin' up all over
the neighborhood lately. Ms. Nelson
next door had seven hippies in her basement;
they usually live in colonies. Hm,
I don't like the sound of that. Could
I take a look in your attic?

[The attic. He opens the door and looks in. He gets out a flashlight,
turns it on, and looks around again. He stops after a few seconds.]

CARTMAN:
Oh yeah, boy. Take a look at this, ma'am.
See that? Hippies.

ELDERLY WOMAN:
Oh my.

CARTMAN:
These are what we call the uh giggling
stoners. Pretty common form of hippie,
usually found in the attics. Problem
is, if you see one hippie, there's probably
a whole lot more you're not seein'.
Uh, whe-where's the backyard.

[The backyard. The elderly lady opens the door and Cartman walks
out onto the back porch]

CARTMAN:
Yep, that's what I thought. See that?
You've got a drum circle in your backyard.

ELDERLY WOMAN:
Oh, well they showed up a few days ago,
but I didn't think they were hurting
anything.

CARTMAN:
Yeah. You know, I had a guy in Jackson
county. He had a little drum circle
in his backyard. It turned into a drum
circle four miles in diameter. You get
a few hippies playing drums and next
thing you know, you got yourself a colony.

ELDERLY WOMAN:
Oh dear.

[back inside the house]

ELDERLY WOMAN:
Oh, well, so, so what do I do?

CARTMAN:
Well, your attic could be so we can
fumigate with polymerethane. The drum
circle we're gonna have to gas. Goddamnit!

HIPPIE 1:
Whoa, how did I get here? Man, I'm
so high.

CARTMAN:
Goddamn hippie!

HIPPIE 1:
Whoa, dude!

CARTMAN:
Get out of here!

HIPPIE 1:
Not cool! What's up?!

CARTMAN:
Ma'am, I need to clear out your giggling
stoners and your drum-cricle hippies
RIGHT NOW, or soon they're gonna attract
something much worse!

ELDERLY WOMAN:
Ooooo.what's that?

CARTMAN:
The college know-it-all hippies.

[The neighborhood, day. A red car pulls up to the curb. On the
back window is a decal which says "University of Colorado at
Boulder" Three men and three women step out of the car]

DRIVER:
Wow, my friend Brittany was right.
This is a really laid-back place.

WOMAN 1:
Yeah, this will be a great place to
spend spring break.

KYLE:
Hey, let's ask them.

STAN:
All right. 'Scuse me. Hello, we are
selling magazine subscriptions for our
community youth program. Would you like
to help young people like us by purchasing
a subscription of your choice?

DRIVER:
Oh wow, you guys shouldn't be doing
that. Don't you know what you're doing
to the world?

KYLE:
Wha- whataya mean?

MAN 1:
You're playing into the corporate game!
See, the corporations are trying to
turn you into little Eichmanns so that
they can make money.

STAN:
Who are the corporations?

WOMAN 2;
The corporations run the entire world.
And now they fooled you into working
for them.

STAN:
Are you serious?? We never heard that.

DRIVER:
We just spent our first semester at
college. Our professors opened our eyes.
The government is using its corporate
ties to make you sell magazines so they
can get rich.

KYLE:
Ugh! Those dirty liars!

KENNY:
(Sonofabitch!)

MAN 2:
This is a really nice town you have
here. That's why the corporations are
trying to use you to take it down.

STAN:
Well... Well what do we do?

DRIVER:
Just hang with us for a bit. We'll fill
you in on everything you haven't been
told.

[Cartman's basement. He's gathered a bunch of hippies in there
and one of them pounds the door to get out]

HIPPIE 2:
It is time to let us out! I'm sending
your names! Open this door right now!

CARTMAN:
All right, in you go.

HIPPIE 2:
What are you doing, man?!

HIPPIE 3:
Let us out!

CARTMAN:
Get back. Get back or you're all gonna
get maced!

HIPPIE 2:
What's up, man?! You can't keep us down
here like this!

HIPPIE 4:
What's wrong with you?!

CARTMAN:
What's wrong is that there's more of
you showing up every day and I need
to find out why!

HIPPIE 5:
What makes you think you could tell
us where to live?!

HIPPIE 6:
This is a free country, man!

CARTMAN:
Brah, I'm not gonna argue with you,
all right? Just go with it.

HIPPIE 3:
Just go with it? We've been down here
for days!

CARTMAN:
And you're gonna be here a little longer,
brah, all right? Here, here's some joints
, and a guitar!

SINGER:
What's goin' on in this world o'mine?

There's a whole lot of killin' in this world o'mine.

Somebody's gotta help this world o'mine...

[Stan's house, at about the same time. He's sitting at the edge
of the porch playing a guitar quietly. On his cap he wears a
peace sign]

STAN:
Sign, sign everywhere. Sign

Done something to my mind.

SHARON:
Stan, sweetie, we're gonna go to the
mall. Do you wanna come?

STAN:
Mom, the mall is a way for the corporate
fatcats to imprison you into a life
of servitude. I've got some stuff you
should read.

SHARON:
Okay, sweetie.

[City Hall, City Council meeting. Mayor McDaniels is seated at
the head of a boardroom table, with leading citizens of the town
sitting on either side.]

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
All right, people, we can move onto
issue number 14B.

CHEF:
Mayor, we have got to do somethin'
about all these potholes on our roads!

LINDA STOTCH:
We don't have it in the budget to fix
them right now.

KYLE'S FATHER:
We'll wish we spent the money when
we have a lawsuit on our hands.

CHEF:
We-

GUARD:
You can't go in there!

CARTMAN:
Please, I have to talk to you all right
now!

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
Kid, we're have a city council meeting.

CARTMAN:
Mayor, something very big is happening,
and if you all don't give me a moment
of your time, there may be no more South
Park to council over!

RANDY:
What are you talking about?

CARTMAN:
I'm talking about the end of all life
as we know it. For the past several
days I've been... noticing a steep rise
in the number of hippies coming to town.
At first I thought maybe it was just
a coincidence. Then I saw this...
Three new drum circles have sprouted
up here, here, and here. They're all
growing in diameter, at a rate of two
hippies per hour. What this means...
is that the hippies are conglomerating.
They'er thriving, if you will. I think
that they're setting up for a... . hippie
music festival.

LINDA:
A what?

CARTMAN:
Ti's, it's simple science. Look: When
hippies start to nest in a new area,
it draws other hippies in. With the
right weather conditions and topography,
it can lead to a music festival. One
that last for days, even weeks. Reggae
on the River, Woodstock, Burning Man,
they will all pale in comparison to
what we're looking at now. In my professional
opinion... I think we're looking at
a full-blown hippie jam festival the
size of which we've never seen.

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
Kid, what the hell are you talking about?

CARTMAN:
I know hippies. I've hated them all
my life. I've kept this town free of
hippies on my own since I was five and
a half. But I can't contain them on
my own anymore. We have to do something,
fast!

COUNSELOR MACKEY:
Uh, Eric, we're, we're talkin' about
potholes right now, m'kay.

CARTMAN:
It's not potholes you need to worry
about. It's potheads. I know what these
people are capable of.

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
Johnson, get him out of here.

CARTMAN:
What are you doing?! You have to listen
to me! You can't sweep this problem
under the rug! The town is in serious
danger!

[A park in town. The college hippies sit at a table... and on
it]

DRIVER:
You see, the corporations take their
profits and invest it in the war machine
while keeping everyone blind.

STAN:
Right, so how do we get back at them?

KYLE:
Yeah, we're pissed off.

DRIVER:
Well, so my idea was this: Let's have
like a weeklong music festival, draw
everyone here, and then together, we
can tear it all down. Whoa, what the
hell?!

CARTMAN:
I knew you were trying to have a hippie
jam festival! All right, everyone pack
up your crap, we're going to our basement!

KYLE:
Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!

CARTMAN:
Oh Jesus, not you guys? What happened?
Were you bit? Did you eat their brownies?
DID YOU EAT THEIR BROWNIES?!

STAN:
NO!

CARTMAN:
Listen, you're my friends, but if you've
been comprimised, I'll have no problem
taking you out! I'll expect the same
from you.

MAN 1:
What is your problem? Get lost, little
Eichmann.

WOMAN 2:
Oh my God!

MAN 2:
What the hell are you doing?!

CARTMAN:
Everybody get in a single-file line!

OFFICER BARBRADY:
There you are!

CARTMAN:
Ah, Officer Barbrady, you're just in
time. These college know-it-all hippies
were setting up for a music festival,
just as I predicted.

OFFICER BARBRADY:
Eric Cartman, you are under arrest.

CARTMAN:
What?

OFFICER BARBRADY:
I was just over at your house and freed
sixty-three people you had locked in
your basement.

CARTMAN:
You let them out?! Jesus, we have to
find them!

OFFICER BARBRADY:
Oh no, you're coming downtown!

CARTMAN:
No! No, we have to stop them! You know
how we-?! We gotta stop them! Hebbiaaay!

DRIVER:
Who was that?

[South Park Police Dept. Cartman is in jail, confused]

CARTMAN:
What did I do?!

OFFICER BARBRADY:
You can't kidnap people and lock them
in your basement.

CARTMAN:
They're not people, they're HIPPIES!

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
Is this problem under control?

OFFICER BARBRADY:
I handled it, Mayor. Gee whiz.

CARTMAN:
Mayor! Mayor, I confirmed the data!
The hippies are going to have a massive
jam band concert!

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
I know. I signed the permit.

CARTMAN:
You... You what?

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
I signed a permit allowing them to have
their concert here. Their little "festival"
should pump some money into our economy.

CARTMAN:
They're hippies! They don't HAVE any
money! Does the city council know about
this?!

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
They don't have to know. I can sign
whatever permit I want!

CARTMAN:
You just SOLD OUT OUR TOWN! That kid
really needs some psychiatric help.

OFFICER BARBRADY:
Yeah.

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
All right, let's go.

CARTMAN:
How much money is enough, Mayor?! How
many people's lives it it all worth?!
GODDAMNED HIPPIE!

[Breaking News]

ANNOUNCER:
This is a South Park News special report!

ANCHORMAN:
Thousands of people have descended on
South Park for a hippie music jam festival.
The event is said to be the largest
such gathering in the history of man.

MC:
All right, welcome to Hippie Jam Fest
2005! Sooo great to see sooo many people
turn out to make an impact on on the
world!

STAN:
Yeah!

KYLE:
You said it!

MC:
For too long, the corporations have
bled the world of its love and resources!
It is time for us to get to work and
make the world a better place! And we'reg
onna start right now.

MAN 1:
Oh man, I can't wait to see the look
on those little Eichmanns' faces when
they hear this crunchy groove.

[The Marsh house. Sharon and Randy run into each other in the
kitchen]

RANDY:
Sharon, have, have you seen Stan?

SHARON:
He went with his friends to that music
festival.

RANDY:
Oh, Jesus, what has gotten into that
kid?!

SHARON:
Now, Randy, we were the same way once,
too. Don't forget that we were both
considered hippies back in the '60s.

RANDY:
Yeah, but when we did it we actually
stood for something. I mean, remember
Woodstock, Sharon? We actually did something
there.

[Flash back to Woodstock, 1969, a crowd scene quite similar to
the current one. Randy jumps into view and yells like a barbarian.
Sharon jumps into view and they both dance around. Sharon turns
and bares her tits and Randy dances so hard he gets dizzy and
throws up.]

SHARON:
You ate too much acid, man!

[Flash forward to the present. They consider how such activity
would be seen these days...]

SHARON:
...Oh my God. Our son is with those
people.

RANDY:
S-stan. STAAAN!

[Breaking News]

ANNOUNCER:
This is South Park News!

ANCHORMAN:
Fear and horror in South Park today
as the music festival continues to grow.
They're arriving in droves and apparently
no end is in sight.

REPORTER:
Tom, the crowd just keeps getting bigger
and the town is literally bursting at
the seams. We don't know where this
music festival came from, but, it's
very close to consuming us all.

[Butters' house. Linda and Steven hug each other before the TV
as they watch the news brief.]

LINDA:
Steven, what do we do?

[Kyle's house. Music is heard outside. Gerald opens the door
and looks out to see hippies milling on his front lawn, and screams.
A view from a long distance shows just how big the crowd has
gotten, then another shot shows the heart of the festival. Randy
is seen looking for his son]

RANDY:
Stan?! Stan?! I need to get through,
please!

JIMBO:
Randy! Randy, you've got to get out
of here! If they just trample this park,
we'll be trapped! It's too dangerous!

RANDY:
My son is in there! Duh-uh! Stan?!
Stan! Stan!

MALE HIPPIE:
Heey, chill man. It's all good.

FEMALE HIPPIE:
Have some water laced with acid.

RANDY:
Sta-ogh. Ugh!

[City Hall. The Mayor looks at the festival from her office window.]

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
What have I done?

MC:
Yeah, South Park is now the hippie capital
of the world!

[South Park Police Department. Cartman relaxes in his cell, having
nothing to do. He senses he's not alone and looks towards the
cell door. The town's adults are on the other side.]

COUNSELOR MACKEY:
Uh huh hi Eric, uh, how's it goin'?

CARTMAN:
Great, I love crapping in a toilet
with no rim on it.

RANDY:
Eric, you were right. About the hippies.
Could you... get rid of them for us
now?

CARTMAN:
Let me guess: they've started a hippie
jam band music festival.

KYLE'S MOTHER:
We we need to take care of them, Eric!
They're out of control!

CARTMAN:
Forget it.

RANDY:
Please. Some of our kids are in there.
We should've listened to you earlier.

CHEF:
Yeah. We apologise.

KYLE'S FATHER:
Please. Don't let them ruin our town.

CARTMAN:
It's too late! Even if I did agree to
help, there's too many of them now!

COUNSELOR MACKEY:
We know you can do it, Eric. You're
smart. Wha- why you're the smartest
kid in school, m'kay?

RANDY:
We're just asking you to try. The whole
town even got together and, and baked
you a cake.

CARTMAN:
Don't think that you can buy me with
presents! ...Unless of course it's the
new Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer.

RANDY:
It's yours.

CARTMAN:
I want the batteries for it too. And
I get to drive it around in the school
parking lot.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA:
Fine.

JIMBO:
Anything else?

CARTMAN:
Yes. Kyle doesn't get to have one!
Ever! And he has to watch me drive mine
around the school parking lot and get
super-jealous!

KYLE'S MOTHER:
Well, we can promise not to buy one
for Kyle, but we we can't make him watch
you play th- Oh yes! Fine! We'll force
Kyle to watch you.

CARTMAN:
All right, fine. But now listen up and
listen good! I've never tried to get
rid of this many hippies before, so
I'm gonna need every resource this town
has! And even if I don't succeed, and
it's a million-to-one shot that I will,
I still get the Tonka radio-controlled
bulldozer and get to play with it in
the school parking lot where Kyle has
to watch me and get super-jealous because
he doesn't have one! Are we clear?!

[The music festival, day 6. The crowd has grown so big the camera
has to pull back a loooong way to get it all into view. The boys
are again present with the college hippies. The band is playing
reggae music.]

DRIVER:
Wow, this band is so crunchy. Dude,
I need more weed.

STAN:
So it seems like we have enough people
now. When do we start taking down the
corporations?

MAN 1:
Yeah man, the corporations. Right now
they're raping the world for money!

KYLE:
Yeah, so, where are they. Let's go get
'em.

MAN 2:
Right now we're proving we don't need
corporations. We don't need money. This
can become a commune where everyone
just helps each other.

MAN 1:
Yeah, we'll have one guy who like, who
like, makes bread. A-and one guy who
like, l-looks out for other people's
safety.

STAN:
You mean like a baker and a cop?

MAN 2:
No no, can't you imagine a place where
people live together and like, provide
services for each other in exchange
for their services?

KYLE:
Yeah, it's called a town.

DRIVER:
You kids just haven't been to college
yet. But just you wait, this thing is
about to get HUGE.

[Park County Community Center, night. Cartman and the adults
are meeting there. Cartman stands next to an easel with various
pictures on a tabloid-size book]

CARTMAN:
All right, everyone listen up! The hippie
jam band festival is now fourteen miles
in diameter and five hundred thousand
hippies thick.

RANDY:
My God...

CARTMAN:
In less than three days, all of South
Park will be completely consumed. My
only hope is to fight our way to the
center of the crowd, and reach the heart,
here. If we can reach the stage, we
can upload this Slayer CD into their
music system. Hippies can't stand death
metal. If everything works, they should
disperse just before they consume us
all.

JIMBO:
Nice plan, kid, except there's one giant
flaw. That hippie crowd is massive!
How the hell are we supposed to get
through it and reach the stage?

CARTMAN:
We drill. I've designed a vehicle that
can bore its way through even the densest
hippie crowd. They pilots inside will
be safe from the pot smoke and the crappy
music outside.

STEVEN:
Yuh... actually suggesting that somebody
drives right into the heart of that
mob?? It's a suicide mission!

CARTMAN:
Not just somebody. I need a complete
team to operate this vehicle. Along
with me I'm gonna need a scientest,
an engineer, and of course, a black
person who can sacrifice himself in
case something goes wrong.

RANDY:
I'm the... only scientist in town.

LINDA:
I'm your engineer.

STEVEN:
Honey, no!

LINDA:
I have to do it, Steven.

CARTMAN:
All right, then we just need a black
person who can sacrifice himself in
case something goes wrong. Lessee,
anyone would do, anyone who meets the
qualifications, let's see... Oh, I
know. How about-

CHEF:
Yeah, yeah! I get it! Fine!

STEVEN:
I I can't believe we're actually listening
to this. This is a crazy plan!

RANDY:
You got a better ides, Steven?! Damnit,
my son is in there!

CARTMAN:
There's no more time for ideas! We have
to have this vehicle up and operational
in less than three days! Look, it's
a long shot! But it's also the only
shot we- got.

[The music festival, day 6. The camera pans across the site and
stops where the townsfolk stand around the vehicle]

[New report]

REPORTER:
Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado,
where a desparate attempt to save the
town is underway. Some call it a suicide
mission, but the heroic men and women
of the hippie digger may be our only
hope of survival.

RAMDU:
Well I... guess this is it, Sharon.

SHARON:
Please, save our boy, Randy.

LINDA:
Butters, if anything happens to Mommy,
I, I want you to be a good boy.

BUTTERS:
Ah I will, Mom.

CHEF:
Now, now, don't cry, ladies. Everything's
gonna be fine.

CARTMAN:
I... don't want you to worry about me,
Clyde Frog. Hey! You're the best stuffed
animal I've ever had.

KYLE'S MOTHER:
Look out for yourselves!

MRS. GARRISON:
Godspeed!

[Inside the digger]

CARTMAN:
Primary engine running?

RANDY:
Check.

CARTMAN:
Navigation systems?

LINDA:
Online

CARTMAN:
Let's punch this baby. We're coming
up on the outer perimeter of the hippies.
Hang on. Reaching hippie crowd. Hull
status?

RANDY:
Vehicle shell holding!

[A command center nearby. Townsfolk mill around inside]

JIMBO:
They're in!

TOWNSFOLK:
All right! All right, yeah! We did it!

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
All right, people, let's save it!
They still have a long way to go!

[The music festival. The boys are in front of the stage sitting
on throw rugs. They're bored.]

STAN:
All right, I can't take it anymore!
I'm getting on that stage!

KYLE:
You're doing what?

GUARD:
Hey, you can't go up there. Hoohoo,
woo!

[Inside the digger]

CARTMAN:
Switching to secondary fuel line. What's
that?

RANDY:
The drill is getting too hot from all
the hippies.

[The command center nearby. Townsfolk mill around inside]

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
What's happened?

COUNSELOR MACKEY:
They, they s- they stopped. Somethin's
wrong.

STEVEN:
Jesus... they're dead in the water.

[The music festival. The digger is dead. Stan approaches the
mic]

STAN:
Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, can I have
your attention please? What are we doing?
It's been nine days! Doesn't it seem
like we should accomplish something?

A HIPPIE:
We're using the power of rock and roll
to change the world! Woo!

STAN:
Maybe instead of complaining about corporations
being selfish, we should lookt at ourselves.
I mean, is there anything more selfish
than doing nothing but getting high
and listening to music all day long?

SINGER:
He's right. It's time for all of us
to focus our energy and get this hippie
jam into full swing.

[Inside the digger, the crew tries to start it up again.]

CARTMAN:
Come on, come on!

LINDA:
It's useless. The main power line has
been shut down.

RANDY:
Somebody's gonna have to go outside
and activate the backup boosters.

CARTMAN:
No, Chef, I'm not gonna let you go out
there!

CHEF:
...I didn't volunteer!

CARTMAN:
...All right, fine Chef, go!

CHEF:
...Aw damnit!

[The command center nearby. The Mayor takes command]

MAYOR MCDANIELS:
That's it. We're going to Plan B. Nuke
the crowd!

STEVEN:
Goddamnit no! Y-you have to give them
more time!

[The music festival. Chef makes his way through the crowd to
the booster switch and turns it on. The digger revs up and zooms
towards the stage. Kyle seems to be saying something, but what
it is we don't hear.]

STAN:
Dude, these people have no idea what's
going on. Let's get out of here.

KYLE:
We can't. Kenny just checked. There's
a wall of people like seven miles thick
behind us.

STAN:
What?? You mean, we're stuck here listening
to this crap?

MAN 2:
Hey, what happened to the tunes, man?

MAN 1:
More tunes. More tunes!

LINDA:
We made it, We made it!

CARTMAN:
Hit the PA system NOW! Put me in the
main line!

RANDY:
Which cord is it?

CARTMAN:
You're the scientist, jackass!

RANDY:
I'm a geologist!

LINDA:
We don't have time to argue! They're
gonna nuke us!

RANDY:
Nyugh!

CARTMAN:
Put them in my laptop!

A HIPPIE:
Oh man, not cool.

HIPPIE 3:
This music is so angry.

MAN 2:
This is killing my buzz.

MAN 1:
Let's bail on this whole angry scene.

RANDY:
It's working!

LINDA:
What?

RANDY:
It's, it's working!

[The command center.]

MRS. GARRISON:
We did it! We did it!

[The music festival. Stan sees his father]

STAN:
Dad!

RANDY:
Stan!

CHEF:
I'm alive!

CARTMAN:
Hold it right there, Kyle!

KYLE:
Whoa, Cartman. We aren't gonna be hippies
anymore. Y-you don't have to kill us.

CARTMAN:
Kill you? Oh no. I have much bigger
plans for you now.

[South Park Elementary's parking lot. Kyle sits on the curb watching
Cartman play with his Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer.
Cartman has the scoop haul some rocks from one pile to another]

CARTMAN:
Hoho! Aw man, this is awesome! Weeeee!
Oh here, Kyle, you wanna play with
it a little while. Oh, psych! You don't
get to! Hehe. Oh, check it out! Cooool!