The Death Of Cartman

[Stan's house, night. The boys are in the kitchen at the breakfast
table anticipating something. Next to Kenny is a stack of dishes]

STAN:
Dude, where is she? We can't wait.

KYLE:
God, this is gonna be sooo yummy.

CARTMAN:
Stan, you said your mom was bringing
Kentucky Fried Chicken home for dinner!
Now is she or isn't she?!

SHARON:
Hi boys.

STAN:
Mom!

KYLE:
She's here!

CARTMAN:
She's got Colonel!

KYLE:
I want some!

CARTMAN:
Oh boy!

STAN:
I want a breast!

CARTMAN:
Some extra-crispy thighs, extra crispy?

SHARON:
Uuh uh uh, not so fast. You boys can
help bring in the other groceries in
the car, then have your chicken.

THE BOYS:
Awww!

STAN:
But Mom, we've been waiting for hours!

SHARON:
It won't take a minute.

CARTMAN:
Come on guys. If we all help out, we
can do it super-fast.

STAN:
All right.

KYLE:
Let's go. Oh my God, that smells good.

STAN:
Okay, this is everything, mom.

KYLE:
All right, let's eat Colonel!

STAN:
Oh boy! Cartman, you ate the skin off
of every piece of chicken!

CARTMAN:
Well, I saved you all the chicken part.

KYLE:
The skin's the best part...

CARTMAN:
Well, I gotta go home, guys. I'm gonna
sit on the toilet and read comic books.
See you at the bus stop tomorrow.

[The next morning the boys are waiting at the bus stop. Cartman
hasn't arrived]

STAN:
I can't believe that fat asshole!

KYLE:
You can't believe it?? He does this
shit all the time!

STAN:
Well this time he's gone too far!

KENNY:
(Yeah, fuck him!)

STAN:
Why do we even hang out with him, anyway?

KYLE:
Hello?? I've been saying this for years!

STAN:
Well it's not like we're nice to him.
I mean, we rip on him all the time!

KYLE:
Yes, but he thrives on that.

STAN:
All right. Then let's just ignore him.
From now on, let's not talk to him,
let's not even acknowledge him.

KENNY:
(Fuck yeah!)

KYLE:
That sounds great!

CARTMAN:
Hey fags, what's going on? Dude, I
was on the toilet all night from that
chicken. I thought I was gonna die.

KYLE:
Do any of you guys have milk money I
can borrow?

STAN:
I think I have extra.

CARTMAN:
Oh wow, a Jew asking for money! There's
a new one. Yuh, you guys know why Jews
have glassy eyes?

STAN:
Here you go.

KYLE:
Thanks.

CARTMAN:
Dude, Stan, yuh you know why Jews have
glassy eyes? Like Kyle? Eh. K-Kenny,
you see that chick on the news that
had her left titty cut off? Kenny?
Kenny?? Stan? Stan, it's me, Eric!
Eh... Kenny. Kenny, you want fifty
cents? Dude, look at me, Kyle, I'm
right here! Wha...? How did...? Like
they couldn't see or hear me. It's almost
as if I were... dead. No. No, I can't
be dead. I can't be dead!!

[The Cartman house, later. A plumber has come to visit, and he's
in the living room talking to Mrs. Cartman. Two other plumbers
are carrying away a box]

BLACK PLUMBER:
All right, ma'am. We've got your new
toilet installed and we'll haul away
the old one away for ya.

LIANE:
Oh, you've been so helpful, I uh, just
don't know how to thank you.

BLACK PLUMBER:
Hunh, I could think of a few ways, hunh.

LIANE:
Ohoho, nhn.

[Cartman runs back home, but he stops in his tracks before he
reaches the front door. He sees the two men carrying the box
away and he fears the worst]

CARTMAN:
No! No!!

FAT PLUMBER:
What happened? Did they say?

THIN PLUMBER:
Apparently there was so much chicken
skin in the system it just ruptured
the insides.

FAT PLUMBER:
Aww, that's tragic.

CARTMAN:
Oh my God, this can't be happening!
Mom? Mom's crying? Oh God, it is true!
Oh, it's not fair! Why??? Why???

[The Playground, recess]

JIMMY:
Hey fellas, w-where is Cartman?

STAN:
Cartman isn't our friend anymore.

KYLE:
We're ignoring him.

TOKEN:
Ignoring him? How come?

KYLE:
Beause he's a fat racist self-centered
intolerant manipulating sociopath!

TOKEN:
Oh yeah.

CRAIG:
Hey, I hate Cartman too. Can I ignore
him with you?

BLOND:
Yeah.

KEVIN:
Me too.

OTHER BOYS:
Yeah, screw him! Yeah.

CLYDE:
I never realized ignoring him was an
option.

CARTMAN:
Guys! Guys? Can anybody hear me? You
guys?? Token, Token, I'm here! Hello!
Hello! Hello! Clyde, can't you feel
me? Feel me, Clyde! Jimmy! Jimmy,
it's me, Eric! Jimmy! Can't you feel
your hair move?! That's me! They don't
even know yet, that one of their best
friends is dead. Dead and... still
wandering the earth a lost soul.

[Downtown, later. He wanders the streets of the town sobbing,
and no one turns to see what's wrong, until...]

WOMAN:
What is that kid doing?

MAN:
Ah I don't know, just ignore him.

[A blazing sunset over a bridge. Cartman's wails have gotten
deeper, more emotional]

[Night time, under a full moon, Cartman walks past a farm house.
Nearby are a scarecrow and a few pumpkins]

[Next day, Butter's house. He's shoveling snow off the sidewalk
to the front door]

BUTTERS:
Lu lu lu, I've got some apples. Lu lu
lu, yuu've got some too-

CARTMAN:
What did I do to deserve this?! How
can my own God forsake me?! Am I doomed
to wander the Earth alone for all eternity?!

BUTTERS:
Hey Eric!

CARTMAN:
...What did you say?

BUTTERS:
Huh I just said, "Hey Eric!"

CARTMAN:
Butters... Butters! You can see me??

BUTTERS:
Well, sure I can see you.

CARTMAN:
Oh my God, and you can hear me??

BUTTERS:
Well, jeez Eric, why wouldn't I be
able to hear you?

CARTMAN:
Because, Butters, I'm... dead.

BUTTERS:
HAAA!

CARTMAN:
Butters! Butters, I just want to talk
to you!

BUTTERS:
You died?? How??

CARTMAN:
I ate a bunch of chicken skin and it
blew out my insides.

BUTTERS:
But if you're d-dead, how come I can
see you?

CARTMAN:
I don't know, but you're the only one
who can.

BUTTERS:
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

CARTMAN:
Butters! Butters, Goddamnit, I need
your help!

[The Stotch kitchen. Linda is cleaning the sink and humming to
herself. She reaches down below the sink and opens the doors.
Butters is hiding there.]

LINDA:
Butters, what on earth are you doing??

BUTTERS:
Well I think... I'm like the kid in
that movie! I-I'm seeing dead people!

LINDA:
Dead people?

STEPHEN:
Who's seeing dead people?

BUTTERS:
Me! I saw a ghost!

STEPHEN:
Now, Butters, there's no such thing
as ghosts.

BUTTERS:
But I saw him! Just as plain as I'm
seein' you right now!

STEPHEN:
Butters, these things happen all the
time. You've got a very active little
brain and your mind was just playing
tricks on you.

BUTTERS:
Ruh, really?

STEPHEN:
Yeess.

BUTTERS:
So... so it was just... it was... just
my ima... magination then?

STEPHEN:
That's right. There's no reason to be
afraid of things that aren't real. There's
plenty of real things to be scared of.
Like super-AIDS.

BUTTERS:
Huh s-s-super-AIDS?

STEPHEN:
That's right. A new form of AIDS which
is resistant to drugs. Just one teaspoon
of super-AIDS in your butt and you're
dead in three years.

BUTTERS:
AAAH! Oh Jesus.

STEPHEN:
So now you feel better? Ghosts don't
exist and there's nothing to be afraid
of. Except the super-AIDS.

[Night time at Butters' house. The sky is clear, but lightning
bolts come out of nowhere and just as quickly disappear. Butters
is in his bed looking out at the stormy sky and can't get to
sleep.]

BUTTERS:
Nuh-nothing to be scared of. Jus, just
some lightning and thunder. Gah! Wasn't
nothin' neither. J-just a muhouse.

CARTMAN:
Butters...

BUTTERS:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

CARTMAN:
Butters, you have to help me!

BUTTERS:
Go away! You aren't real!

CARTMAN:
All right, Butters, you leave me no
choice.

BUTTERS:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

STEPHEN:
Butters, what is going on?!

BUTTERS:
Well it's all... Well he was... Nothin'
I I just had a nightmare.

STEPHEN:
Well you'd better stop having nightmares
or eles you're gonna be grounded!

BUTTERS:
Y yes, yes sir.

CARTMAN:
Butters.

BUTTERS:
AH-

CARTMAN:
Butters, Goddamnit, I'm not in your
imagination! I'm dead and for some reason
you can see me!

BUTTERS:
But I don't want to see you!

CARTMAN:
Get a hold of yourself! I'm the one
who died! And for some reason, my spirit
is trapped here on Earth. I can't find
the passage to Heaven.

BUTTERS:
Well... how do you know you're supposed
to go to Heaven?

CARTMAN:
What do you mean?

BUTTERS:
Well... how do you know you're not supposed
to go to... you know... Heck.

CARTMAN:
I'm not going to Heck, Butters! I'm
not black, all right?!

BUTTERS:
Oh.

CARTMAN:
Now look: I thnk the reason my soul
is still here is because I need closure
with all my friends and loved one. I
can say my final goodbyes to them through
you.

BUTTERS:
I can't. Ahah I have school tomorrow.

CARTMAN:
This is your problem, Butters! Either
you help me, or I will haunt you for
the rest of your life!

BUTTERS:
Helll- Uh all right. All right, I'll
help you!

[Dawn, the next day. Butters and Cartman approach Cartman's house.
Liane is in the kitchen using a cookie cutter to cut out heart-shaped
cookies. Butters and Cartman enter the kitchen. Cartman is sobbing
into a small towel.]

BUTTERS:
Mrs. Cartman?

LIANE:
Yes? Oh hi.

BUTTERS:
This is going to seem very strange and,
and you may not believe me, but, well,
your son wanted me to tell you something.

LIANE:
Oh, what is it?

CARTMAN:
Tell her, tell her that I love her.

BUTTERS:
He says, he loves you.

LIANE:
Oh, that's so nice.

CARTMAN:
Tell her, tell her that I wish... I
wish I would have been a better son
sometimes!

BUTTERS:
He wishes he would have been a better
son sometimes.

CARTMAN:
It's just that, it's just that I got
so caught up with the rat race of life
tryin' to succeed that I... sometimes...
took my family for granted!

BUTTERS:
He he got caught, he got caught up in
the rat race of, of taking things for
granted.

LIANE:
Oh, that's so sweet. Oh, I love you
too, poopiekins!

[The Broflovski house. Butters and Cartman approach it first
and ring the bell. Kyle comes to answer it]

BUTTERS:
Kyle, Eric wants you to know that he's,
he's sorry for all the times he made
fun of you being a no-good stinking
Jew. He's asking for your forgiveness.
And and he wants you to just remember
the good times.

CARTMAN:
Just the good times.

KYLE:
There were no good times! And if he
really feels bad he can just tell me
himself!

CARTMAN:
I can't! Don't you understand?!

BUTTERS:
He can't! Don't you understand?!

CARTMAN:
God forgave the Jews, you should be
able to forgive me!

BUTTERS:
God forgave the Jews, you should be
able to forgive him!

CARTMAN:
All right, come on, Butters, we gotta
go tell Token I'm sorry for rippin'
on him for bein' black.

BUTTERS:
Uhh all right then.

[Kyle's living room. Stan and Kenny are playing a board game
on the living room floor. Kyle enters and approaches them]

STAN:
Who was that?

KYLE:
It was Cartman having Butters apologize
for him.

STAN:
Dude, he did that to me this morning.

KENNY:
(Me too.)

KYLE:
He probably thinks if he apologizes
to everyone, we'll think he's changed
and let him back into our circle.

KENNY:
(That guy would try anything)

STAN:
Yeah, we know better than to think that.

[Butters and Cartman walk down a sidewalk, with Cartman checking
off more names on his notepad.]

CARTMAN:
Okay, that takes care of Token, Clyde,
and Mr. Kitty. That's eveyone, I guess.
All that leaves is you, Butters. Butters,
I'm sorry if I ever did anything to
hurt you.

BUTTERS:
Aww, that's okay, Eric.

CARTMAN:
Well, it's all done. My soul is at
peace. I think... I can go now.

BUTTERS:
So I won't see you again?

CARTMAN:
Don't be sad, Butters. What awaits each
person in heaven is eternal bliss, divine
rest, and ten thousand dollars cash.

BUTTERS:
Wow.

CARTMAN:
G'bye Butters. I'm goin' to a better
place. Perhaps I'll see you again sometime!
Good-bye!!

BUTTERS:
Yeh you're still here.

CARTMAN:
Goddamnit, what the fuck is going on?

BUTTERS:
Well, I guess saying goodbye wasn't
enough.

CARTMAN:
What else do I have to do?!

BUTTERS:
Well, well, you know, the preacher says
that before your soul can be at peace,
sometimes, you have to atone for something
bad you did.

CARTMAN:
Atone?

BUTTERS:
Did you ever do anything really bad?

CARTMAN:

[In Butters' bedroom, later]

CARTMAN:
Let's see. Oh, and I broke Mr. Anderson's
fence and never told him about it.

BUTTERS:
Broke fence...

CARTMAN:
I took a crap in the principal's purse...
seven times. Then there was the time
I convinced a woman to have an abortion
so I could build my own Shakey's Pizza.
I pretended to be retarded and joined
the Special Olympics. I tried to have
all the Jew exterminated last spring.
Uuh, oh yeah, and there's this one kid
whose parents I had killed and then
made into chili which I fed to the kid.

BUTTERS:
Boy oh boy, Eric, you've got a lot to
atone for.

CARTMAN:
Really?

BUTTERS:
Really. I mean, honestly, I don't know
how you're gonna make up for all this.

CARTMAN:
I know how.

[Moments later Cartman's hands are shown placing fruits inside
a basket, a pair os scissors cutting away at a thick transparent
plastic sheet, then the whole basket sealed with a bow. He and
Butters grin at the accomplishment. Behind them are some more
baskets roady to go. The first basket goes to Principal Victoria.
The second goes to Ms. Claridge. The third goes to the rabbi
at the synagogue. The congregation there is surprised. The fourth
goes to Scott Tenorman, who's sobbing at his parents' graves.
Butters and Cartman walk to their next desitnation with another
basket as Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look on from across the street.
They deliver that basket to the abortion clinic. He records the
song below, with Butters and a recording engineer in the booth.
Next, he and Butters are repairing Mr. Anderson's fence. Cartman
hammers the new boards in place as Butters removes the damaged
boards. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny appear and watch. Kyle angrily
rejects what he's seeing and they walk away. Cartman and Butters
then go to the Special Olympics stadium and present a basket
to the coordinators. They leave a basket at Sally Struther's
door. They're then back in Butters' bedroom and Butters marks
off the last atonement.]

ERIC CARTMAN:
I'm gonna make, make it right.

I'm gonna take a little time and set things right.

Make, make it right.

I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great.

It feels so good to be making up

For all the things I've done wrong.

I know now what the Good Lord in Heaven

Wanted from me all along.

All along, I'm gonna make, make it right.

'Cause Jesus wants me to have a clean slate.

Not faking it, I'm making it right.

I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great.

Make, make it right!

Make, make it right!

Gonna make it right, girl, I've got to have your lovin' tonight!

CARTMAN:
Well, there's everything, Butters.
I've made everything right.

BUTTERS:
Does this mean... you have to go now?

CARTMAN:
Yes, Butters, my soul is finally at
peace. It's time for me to leave. Goodbye
Butters! Thanks for all your help! Be
good and be safe. Goodbye... Goddamnit,
what?! I've made everything right!

BUTTERS:
Oh jeez. I I guess maybe your soul is
stuck here for a different reason.

CARTMAN:
I want my eternal bliss! Do you think
this is funny, God?! Do you think this
is funny,..?

BUTTERS:
Eric! Calm down. Stupid butthole God!

STEPHEN:
Butters! What have you done?!

BUTTERS:
Ih ih it wasn't me! Ih it was the ghost!

LINDA:
Oh, Stephen, I don't know if we should
ground him or call a doctor.

STEPHEN:
No, I think you'd better call a doctor.
I'll ground him.

[Butters' house, later. Stephen holds Linda as the doctor on
house call leaves Butters' bedroom]

LINDA:
What do you think, Doctor?

DOCTOR:
Your son is suffering from severe dementia.
He claims that the ghost of a dead friend
talks to him. This is usually a sign
of schizophrenia brought on by some
tragic event in the child's past. I
think it's best that we take him to
the mental center and do some tests.

LINDA:
Oh no. NO!

[South Park Institute for Mental Health, day. In the operating
room, Butters is wheeled into play on a gurney, face up]

DOCTOR:
All right, Butters, just try to relax.
Doin' just fine, Butters. Just stay
perfectly still now, Butters.

BUTTERS:
Lu lu lu, lu lu lu

DOCTOR:
Good. You're gonna feel a little pinch
now, Butters. Don't worry, Mr. Stotch.
Whatever traumatized your son in his
past, we'll find it.

[Butters' recovery room, later. The doctor and Butters' parents
are at bedside]

DOCTOR:
Well, after fourteen hours of testing,
I can say Butters is definitely suffering
from aggravated repressied memory syndrome.
You see, Butters, when the brain wants
to cover something up, it makes up images
and sounds for you to hear.

BUTTERS:
So... the ghost was in my head. The
whole time.

STEPHEN:
Now do you believe us, Butters?

BUTTERS:
Yes! Uh yes sir! I believe you.

DOCTOR:
Good. We're making a lot of headway.
We'll do some more testing tomorrow.
All right, folks. Let's let Butters
get some rest.

LINDA:
Goodnight, baby.

BUTTERS:
Ahhh.

CARTMAN:
Butters.

BUTTERS:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

CARTMAN:
Don't worry, Butters, I'm gonna get
you out of here.

BUTTERS:
Please leave me alone, Eric. My bottom
is really sore.

CARTMAN:
I found the woman you need to talk to
for me. Look! Doctor Lindsay, expert
in the paranormal. She can tell us what
to do!

BUTTERS:
Eric, ye-you're just an image in my
head brought on by a traumatic event.

CARTMAN:
She's gonna close soon! Come on!

BUTTERS:
Wuh I hate my stupid psychotic brain!

[The psychic's house. The doorbell rings. She's watching television,
but she gets up to answer the door. Cartman and Butters are there]

BUTTERS:
Hello, ma'am. May I talk to you?

PSYCHIC:
Certainly. Come in. Have a seat and
tell me what it is you seek.

BUTTERS:
Well, there's this ghost, see? Only
it probably isn't a ghost, ih-it's just
a delusion brought on by my trauma.
Well I'm supposed to heh, help him,
find out why his spirit is wanderin'
the Earth, even though I know that I'm
most likely just completely insane.

PSYCHIC:
Well, many times, the reason that the
sould stays Earth-bound is because God
is intending to use that soul for a
divine purpose, to help prevent an impending
tragic event.

BUTTERS:
Of course. That's it, Butters! We had
it wrong all the time!

PSYCHIC:
But now, you shouldn't think you're
crazy, young man. I see ghosts all the
time.

BUTTERS:
Really?

PSYCHIC:
Yes. When's the last time you saw yours?

BUTTERS:
Well, he's sittin' next to me right
now.

PSYCHIC:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

BUTTERS:
Hey, I think she could see you too.
You really are a ghost.

CARTMAN:
I told you, Butters.

ANNOUNCER:
This is breaking news!

ANCHOR TOM:
A tragic event is unfolding in South
Park. Three convicted murderers have
escaped from jail and are holding twelve
people at the Red Cross!

REPORTER CHRIS:
Tom, the convicts were about to be arrested
when they ran inside the Red Cross behind
me, and threatened to kill all the workers
inside. The violent men are demanding
a helicopter and two hundred thousand
dollars cash.

CARTMAN:
Oh my God, this is it, Butters. This
is what I'm here to stop. Come on, Butters.
This psychic boy and his ghost pal are
going to save the day!

[The Red Cross, later that night. A crowd has gathered and the
police try to control the crowd]

OFFICER:
Stay back, people!

MAN:
Stay back?! Hell, my wife and child
are in there!

DET. YATES:
Stay calm in there. We don't want anybody
getting hurt.

LEAD CONVICT:
You get us a helicopter and two hundred
thousand dollars or these people start
dyin', man!

[The Red Cross, outside. Butters and Cartman sneak past the police
barricade]

CARTMAN:
All right, Butters, I'm going in alone,
first. Give me thirty seconds in there,
and then you go in and free the hostiages.

BUTTERS:
Go in there? Uh, but they'll see me.

CARTMAN:
Don't worry. I have a plan.

BUTTERS:
Eric. Well, be careful, ghost pal.

CARTMAN:
They can't hurt me, Butters. I'm already
dead.

DET. YATES:
What the hell is that kid doing?

[The Red Cross, inside. The convicts look out through the Venetian
blinds]

BALD CONVICT:
Somebody's comin' in!

CONVICT 2:
It's just some little fat kid.

BALD CONVICT:
What the hell is going on?

CONVICT 2:
I have no idea.

CARTMAN:
Yes, it's working!

LEAD CONVICT:
This is really weird.

[The Red Cross, outside.]

REPORTER CHRIS:
An incredible development here, Tom.
Two little boys have fearlessly gone
inside the Red Cross.

[Stan's house. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny watch the news]

STAN:
Cartman?

[The Red Cross, inside. Cartman swings two cowbells up and down.
Butters has left the door open]

BALD CONVICT:
I'm so confused!

BUTTERS:
Hurry. Go, go!

OFFICER 2:
The hostages are clear!

DET. YATES:
All right, move in!

CONVICT 2:
The hostages are gone!

BALD CONVICT:
What?! Son of a bitch.

REPORTER CHRIS:
Tom, an incredible story of courage.
Two little boys, armed only with the
weapon of confusion, managed to go in
and save the Red Cross. Nobody seems
to know who the boys are or where they
went off to, but they are heroes.

[The field across from the Red Cross. Cartman is about to take
his leave for the third time]

CARTMAN:
Well, we did it, Butters. We saved the
day.

BUTTERS:
Boy, we sure did.

CARTMAN:
My spirit is at rest now. I can finally
go to everlasting peace, eternal rest,
and ten thousand dollars cash. Butters,
I think that, through this whole thing,
we've really become friends.

BUTTERS:
Yeah. Uh I feel that way too.

CARTMAN:
We both, kind of needed each other and...
well... I'm gonna miss you.

BUTTERS:
I'll miss you too, ghost pal.

CARTMAN:
Goodbye Buttters. I must be going now.
I'll be looking down on you from time
to time. Have a long, fulfilling life,
Butters! Goodbyyye!

STAN:
Hey Cartman, that was really cool what
you did.

CLYDE:
Yeah Eric, we're gonna stop ignoring
you now.

KYLE:
We didn't think that by pretending you
didn't exist, you would really change,
but you really have.

STAN:
Well, anyway, we just wanna let you
know. Talk to you tomorrow.

JIMMY:
Yeah. S-see ya, Eric.

CARTMAN:
You sonofabitch Butters!

BUTTERS:
Huh?

CARTMAN:
You told me I was a ghost!

BUTTERS:
Huh but I thought you were one!

CARTMAN:
How stupid are you?! So help me GOD
Butters, I'm gonna get you back for
this! I'm going to GET YOU BACK!

STEPHEN:
Butters?!

BUTTERS:
Oh Hamburgers.