The Goat

Hey guys, so what's up? You gonna show me this talking goat you hang out with or what?
All right, but we can't stay long cuz we gotta get to that reggae fest
Yeah, and you gotta be quiet cuz the old man who lives in the house, he doesn't like anyone talking to his goat. Okay. Hey goat, how's it goin'? Huh? It's dark, I cannot see you, come closer...hello? Hey, what's up? Hey man, what's going on? Hi, what's the good word there? Hey so what are you doin'? Just, ah, sitting there on the pickup truck? Yes wise guy, I'm tied to it with a three foot rope so pretty much my options are limited you fucking wiseass. What's going on fellas? Hey is the old man around? No no no that cock sucker's sleeping, man, fucking passed out. He was drinking since this morning, like three pints of fucking Jimmy Beam. He's fucking whacked out of his skull, fuck him. Jesus. Hey, by the way, this is our friend Robert. Hello Robert, uh, salutations. Wow. You're a talking goat. Yeah, that's great, I can talk, terrific. So what were you doing, playing the football or something? Throwing it around, like the boys? Yep, we were throwing it around. Yes we were. Hey goat, you want us to untie you for a while? No, I love to sit on the truck all fuckin' day--yes, that would be great. Would you untie me cuz my fucking hind legs man, they are fucking cramped. You sure the old man's not gonna get pissed or anything? I told you, he's fucking passed out, that fucking piss drunk cock. He's just lying there on the floor, he's not gonna find out, he lives his fucking life in an alcoholic haze man, his life's a blur, fuck him. Hey. What? You're a good goat. I know. You know, you take a lot of the old man's shit. I do. Yeah, we heard him beating the shit out of you a couple of nights ago. You guys heard that? Yeah. Where were you? At my house. You--f--he was fucking beating me loud, huh? Oh yeah, he was screaming. He was going off that night. He's got this new hickory stick and he fucking goes off with that thing. He was really lacing into me. Apparantely he found out bad news that his ex-wife was fucking his brother or something like that and he went off the fucking deep end man, just fucking--first time he used fists. You know, usually he hits me with the stick, and just fucking whacks away. This time he dropped the stick, and you know, he fought me like fucking 30's style boxing, putting the dukes up, I'm like I got fucking no dukes old man, relax. Anyways, you guys said you were gonna untie me, so maybe you should untie me, somebody said that right? C'mon, let's untie him. Yeah great. Sure, sure. Great, wow, your new friend's not a bad kid. Hey maybe you guys could help me down. It's a fucking three foot drop, my legs aren't what they used to be. All right, here we go, 1, 2, 3, lift. Ah yes, team work, that's nice to see. Ooh, the grass is soft. Hey goat, go out for a pass. Haha, yeah, go out wha--with the football, you're gonna throw it? It's a little too big, you know, a football. If you guys had a--uh--a tennis ball, I could see, but I gotta catch it with my mouth, you know. I don't got no fingers, like you guys, so, a football, that could cause some damage. But--ah--what else? Just give it a try, c'mon. Eh? Oh, fuck me, all right. All right. Go deep. Ow, fuck me in the goat ass! Shit! You fucking whizzed that thing, haat ha. Right in the eye, that musta hurt. Fuck. That thing is pointy fellas, fucking--a regular Staubach over there. You OK, goat? Yeah, you buttonhooked me. I didn't know you were gonna buttonhook me. I think you got a knot there. Huh? A knot. Yeah, you better NOT mention that again, you cock sucker. Anyways, what else fellas, what are you doing? We should go get some beers or look at girls or whatever. Actually, we're going to the reggae fest. Ooh, the Ragu Festivool. Ahh, ragu, reggae. I heard about that thing on the AM radio. Yeah, sure, sometimes the old man passes out, and he leaves the AM radio on. I get to hear the oldies songs, and some current event kind of things, you know, the DJ's like to talk and I pay attention to them. It's not MTZ, you know, like you guys listen to, but it keeps me compny. I don't watch the TV cuz I'm not allowed in the house. The fucking old man says, you come in the house, I'll give you an even worse beating. One time I went in the house, you know, and I know why he doesn't want me to go in there. Why? Cuz the fucking house reeks worse than my nuts do. The fucking old man's gotta get a maid. Anyways, so, you gotta go to the big Ragu show, eh? Yeah, we're going. The ragu festival? Maybe I could tag along, that'd be fun. You know, we could do the mosh pit. Well, actually... Throw me around. Put me on the mosh pit, pass me around, you know? Yeah goat. Crank it up, fuckers. Well... The goat's losing it. Well, we only have 3 tickets. Boy that hurts. Yeah, but we're still gonna go anyways. You're gonna go and you're gonna have a good time. And I'm gonna sit here on the truck and fucking watch my cock get smaller. You know, fuck me. So goat, how are the neighborhood kids treating you? They still shitting on you or what? Yeah, you know. Not as much as they used to. You fucking kids growing up, you guys would fuck with me. These kids are fucking, you know, little pansies compared to you. Except this on fat shit, Giarraputo, you know who I'm talking about? The fucking ten year old fucking little wise guy? He's a porker, that kid, the fat shit. He takes out his fat aggression on me, you know, to try to impress his friends. He's always fucking with me, throwing rocks at me, and calling me stinky nuts. Oh shit. He went overboard one day. Last week he chucked a fucking cinder block at me. It was fucked up, you know, he chipped one of my horns. That kid's a sick fuck, you know. He's gonna grow up and fucking kill somebody. He's a fucking mental case. Keep your eye on him. Okay. But I'm gonna get even man. He's gonna get too close to the truck one day. I'll bite his fucking ear off. Oh, don't do that. That's a fucking promise man, you fuck with me too long, you get fucked with. He's just a kid. I know, I'm all talk, fuck me, I know. How can I bite his ear off? I can't even bite through the fucking rope, you know. I talk out my ass. You guys are fun though. So sit down. Actually, we gotta get going to the show, you know? Oh, you're getting off to the show, you're busy, eh? Yeah. Gonna start soon. Great, all right, well you guys have a good time. Hey, maybe you could come back tomorrow, you know? I dunno goat. Bring that shit you guys always talk about, the fucking, uh, the reefer. You guys always like to get high, I don't mind watching. I'll fuck with you while you're high. Well, if there's any left after the show. All right. I remember that time you guys came over stoned, and you kept um, you know, making me chase my tail. You guys had a good time, I'll do it again, I don't give a fuck. By the way, hey, yeah, that time we went uh, to the roller coaster ride, when the old man was on vacation... Yeah, right. That was a fun time, I wanted to tell you. That almost fucked me in the long run. We were--remember the roller coaster ride? Yeah. When we were on the loop did dee loop. Loop did dee loop, right. And it took the fucking picture when we were up on the loop, and it took the picture of us? You were screaming. I was screaming. I'd never been on a roller coaster, you guys have used to that shit, well, I fucking had the picture, in the pickup truck. You know, of us on the roller coaster. Right. And the old man comes, the old man comes home drunk one night, and he's like, what the fuck is this picture, you know. Were you on a roller coaster? Did you leave the truck? I fucking, quick goat thinking, I go, they fucking superimposed me, what the fuck you want from me? Good idea. You know what the old man says? What'd he say? He says, "Oh, ok," he's walking away I hear him go, "What's superimposed?" The fucking moron, the fucking moron! I loved it. Yeah, goat, yeah. Hey, maybe tomorrow you guys come by, eight o'clock, you know, a little early, we'll fucking hook up. I'll tell you why, I know the old man's gonna be passed out cuz it's tax season. He gets fucking royally shit faced when he finds out he has to pay fucking money. No, yeah? We could go dancing or something, you should stop by. We're gonna be busy. Oh, all right, I'll be busy too, you know, sitting on the truck with the fucking rope tied around my neck but that's fine. Well, what are you gonna do? You guys really gotta go though, huh? Yeah, it's getting a little late. Well, maybe before you go you get me back on the truck, you know, its a three foot thing, I can't fucking get up there. We don't have the time man. Well now you're fucking bullshitting me. Aren't you get me on the truck? C'mon, help out. Sorry man, we gotta get outta here. All right, see you. Have fun. Later goat. Have good mosh pitting. Right. Fuck me I gotta get on this fucking truck. I hope I do not wake the old man cuz he is a fucking lunatic lately. All right, here we go. It's fucking slippery

OLD MAN: Hey goat!

GOAT: Oh, shit

OLD MAN: What the hell's going on out there?
Uh, nothing old man. Just sitting here on the pickup truck, tied to it as usual. Cuz if you even think of getting off that truck, I'll take out my hickory stick and shove it up your smelly goat ass
Ok, loud and clear. Understood old man. Now go back to sleep. You got a big day of drinking and beating the fuck out of me tomorrow, so get your rest. Yeah, you're right. Yep. Goodnight goat. Ahhh, goodnight old man, good night