The Further Adventures of Nick Danger

(fog horn)

ANNOUNCER

Los Angeles... He walks again by night...

NICK

(whistles)

ANNOUNCER

Out of the fog, into the smog...

NICK

(cough, cough)

ANNOUNCER

Relentlessly... ruthlessly...

NICK

I wonder where Ruth is?

ANNOUNCER

…doggedly… (bark bark)

NICK

Eh, get away from me…

ANNOUNCER

... towards his weekly meeting with... the unknown. At 4th and Drucker he turns left, at Drucker and 4th he turns right, he crosses MacArthur Park and walks into a great sandstone building. (smack)

NICK

Oh, my nose!

ANNOUNCER

Groping for the door he steps inside... (door opens/closes) (phone rings until pick up) (13 steps) climbs the 13 steps to his office, he walks in (walking/door opens)... he's ready for mystery, (door closes/walking) he's ready for excitement... he's ready for anything, he's...

NICK

(ends whistling) (pick up phone/one more ring) Nick Danger, Third Eye...

VOICE

(phone voice) I, uh, wanna order a pizza to go and no anchovies...

NICK

No anchovies? You've got the wrong man, I spell my name...Danger. (phone hangup)

VOICE

(phone voice) What?

ANNOUNCER

(organ) The makers of Fantastic Cigarettes, long in the leaf and short in the can, bring you another true story from the tattered casebook of Nick Danger, Third Eye. Let's join him now in the adventure we call... Cut ‘em Off at the Past! (organ fwah)

NICK

Let's get down to business. (walk) Uncross those beautiful stems of yours, baby, here's the case I call number 666. It all began innocently enough on Tuesday. I was sitting in my office on that drizzly afternoon listening to the monotonous staccato of rain on my desktop and reading my name on the glass of my office door. "Regnad Kcin". My secretary lay snoring on the floor (snores) her long, beautiful gams pinioned under the couch. I didn't hear him enter, (creaky door/walking) but my nostrils flared at the smell of his perfume... Pyramid Patchouli. There was only one joker in L.A. sensitive enough to wear that scent and I had to find out who he was.

ROCKY

Good afternoon, Mr.... Danger. I'm Rocky Rococo.

NICK

Thanks half-pint. You just saved me a lot of investigative work.

ROCKY

Maybe yes, maybe no... Do you know what (rustle of bag) this is?

NICK

(thinking) I had to think for a minute. What cool game was he playing?

(speaking) Uh, that's a brown paper bag.

ROCKY

That's correct, now look inside, Mr. Danger. (paper rustle) What do you see?

NICK

That's easy. That's a pickle.

ROCKY

Very good. Now, I think you're ready for… this! (plink)

NICK

Why, that's nothing but a two bit ring from a Cracker Back Jox.

ROCKY

I'll sell it to you for five thousand dollars.

NICK

Huh!? What kind of chump do you take me for?

ROCKY

First class!

NICK

That tarnished piece of tin is worthless!

ROCKY

Worthless?! Ha! Ha! Ha! (cough cough) Not to Melanie Haber!

NICK

Melanie Haber?

ROCKY

You may remember her as... Audrey Farber?

NICK

Audrey Farber?

ROCKY

Susan Underhill?

NICK

Susan Underhill?

ROCKY

How about... Betty Jo Bialowski! (organ fwah)

NICK

(thinking) Betty Jo Bialowski! I hadn't heard that name since college. Everyone knew her as Nancy. Then it all came rushing back to me like the hot kiss at the end of a wet fist. It was Pig Night at the Oh Mony Padme Sigma House. We had escaped from the crowd and stood trembling under the dwarf maples.

YOUNG NANCY

Oh, Nicky. I don't know what to say. This is the most beautiful ring I've ever seen.

YOUNG NICK

Yeah, Nancy. It's really neat. It cost me five thousand dollars.

YOUNG NANCY

Oh Nicky, I, well, how can I ever repay you?

YOUNG NICK

Well, gee whiz, Nancy... How about five hundred down and a 36 month contract?

YOUNG NANCY

What?

YOUNG NICK

Or… you could... marry me. (organ fwah)

YOUNG NANCY

That's impossible, Nick. I can't marry you. I can't even tell you why. Maybe, someday.

YOUNG NICK

All right, Nancy, I understand. Sign here. (paper unfolding)

YOUNG NANCY

Oh, Nick. I'll never forgive you.

YOUNG NICK

I'll never forget you neither, Nancy. (organ fwah)

NICK

And that's why I called you today, Nancy... I mean, Mrs. Haber. Something reminded me of that time so long ago under the dwarf maples.

NANCY

(phone voice) I don't know what prompted you to get in touch with me, but you called just in the nick of time.

NICK

You haven't lost your delicate sense of humor, have you, Nancy?

NANCY

(phone voice) What? Nick, I can't talk to you now. You have to get out here right away. My husband he... It's the same old place in Santa Barbara, Nicky. Oh, hurry, Nicky, I need you, I nee... (click/dial tone)

NICK

Nancy! I slipped the ring into my nose and the receiver into my pocket and (quick walking) headed for the door quickly, but I'd forgotten the little man with the evil grin.

ROCKY

Just a second, Danger! What about my pickle?

NICK

You're lucky you still have your brown paper bag, Small Change! (struggle)

ROCKY

Danger! (running away) You haven't seen the last of me!

NICK

No, but the first of you turns my stomach!

ROCKY

(away) You'll be hearing from me again, Danger!

NICK

I headed down the hall in the opposite direction, toward the fire escape. I hadn't a moment to lose...

LT. BRADSHAW

Hey, Danger! Where's the fire?

NICK

In your eyes, Lieutenant Bradshaw.

LT. BRADSHAW

Don't get wise with me, Peeper.

You're lucky we didn't burn you on the Anselmo pederasty case.

NICK

Look, you caught him didn't ya?

LT. BRADSHAW

Yeah, but the punk got away, no thanks to you.

NICK

Heh, heh. Well, what brings your flat feet sniffing around here now, Copper?

LT. BRADSHAW

Just a friendly word of advice, Danger.

NICK

Yeah, what?

LT. BRADSHAW

Don't go stickin' your big nose into police business.

NICK

Ssssure, Lieutenant. Is that all?

LT. BRADSHAW

No! Don't talk with your mouth full!

NICK

Okay, Bradshaw...

LT. BRADSHAW

And don't fidget while I talk to you.

NICK

Sure, Lieutenant.

LT. BRADSHAW

(walking away) And stop tracking mud across my nice clean kitchen floor...

NICK

Okay…!

SFX

(storm sounds)

NICK

When I hit the streets the rain had already turned L.A. into a mud river. It was a short swim down Alvarado to my convertible, (car sounds) I had to get to Santa Barbara in a big hurry.

As I whipped on to Mulholland Drive, the lights were just twinkling on across the San Fernandino Valley. I could barely make them out through the driving rain, then a hard right down Big Tujunga Canyon. My tires squealed as I hit Sepulveda. A right. A left. A left. Another right, a left to the body, a right and into a gas station. (brakes) Hey, Pop!

POP

All right. All right. Hold your horses. I’m comin'. Uh, yeah?

NICK

Where am I?

POP

You can't get there from here.

NICK

But I'm looking for the same old place.

POP

Oh, you must mean the old Same Place, Sonny. It's right out back. Here's the key. (key drop)

NICK

Four hours later I parked my car in the carriage house and (cornstarch footsteps) walked up a grey gravel driveway between a line of dwarf maples towards the pillared entrance of the Same Mansion. It had been snowing in Santa Barbara ever since the top of the page and I had to shake the cornstarch off my mukluks as I lifted the heavy obsidian doorknocker. Hey in there... open up. Your doorknocker fell off.

CATHERWOOD

(door open) What's all this brouhaha?

NICK

Brouhaha? Ha ha ha...

CATHERWOOD

Ha ha ha ha ha....(door close)

NICK

Wait...Wait a minute. Don't you want this doorknocker?

CATHERWOOD

(away) I already have one.

NICK

But this is yours....

CATHERWOOD

You see? I told you. We use to have another one but he vanished mysteriously. (door open) All right, come in out of the cornstarch and dry your mukluks by the fire. (fire/cellophane/door close) Let me introduce myself. I am Nick Danger.

NICK

No, let me introduce myself. I am Nick Danger.

CATHERWOOD

If you're so smart, why don't you pick up your cues faster?

NICK

Are those my cues?

CATHERWOOD

Yes, and they must be dry by now. Why don't you pull them up out of the cellophane before they scorch. (stop cellophane) Heh. All right, sir, may I take your hat and goat? (baa)

NICK

Yes.

CATHERWOOD

Now, I assume you've come to see my mistress Mr. Danger.

NICK

I don't care about your private life or what his name is. I’ve come to see Nancy. Uh, uh.... Mrs. Haber.

CATHERWOOD

Mrs. Haber?

NICK

Audrey Farber?

CATHERWOOD

Audrey Farber?

NICK

How about Betty Jo Bialowski? (organ fwah)

CATHERWOOD

Oh. You mean Nancy! Well, she's in the aviary studying trees. I shall return with her straight away. You may wait here in the sitting room or you can sit here in the waiting room.

NICK

(thinking) There was something fishy about the butler. I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale. I felt a thin shiver run up my spine as I sat down on the cold marble floor. (woh-oooh) What was it about this place? The atmosphere was as phony as the Tudor balustrade that leered at me from the top of the staircase and there she stood, radiant. All those curves showing through that flimsy burnoose.

NANCY

(away) Nick?

NICK

(running) It was Nancy running down the stairs. All the familiar sounds and smells of Pig Night came rushing back like a good snort of scotch. Then it struck me. (smack) Ooof! Twenty years later and she still knocked me out. Uh... (body falls) (organ jams)

NICK

(slapping sounds) Oh. Whe...? Where am I?

NANCY

Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick... Nick, wake up. Are you all right?

NICK

Yes...

NANCY

Then stop slapping me! Oh, oh...

NICK

Na...Na...Nancy, what's the birds eye low-down on this caper? Whatever that means...

NANCY

(muffled) Nick, we can't talk here.

NICK

(muffled) We can, um...

NANCY

(muffled) We can't talk here!

NICK

(muffled) What do you mean we can't talk here?!

NANCY

(muffled) We can't...!

NICK

(muffled) Oh. You're right. We can't. What should we do?

NANCY

(muffled) Follow me. This way.

NICK
Ah...hah...

NANCY

(echo) This is much better. We’re at the chapel now. It’s soundproofed, so no one can hear us.

NICK

(echo) What did you say?

NANCY

(echo) I said, no one can… sigh...

NICK

(echo) What?

NANCY

(echo) Never mind! Follow me!

NICK

(echo) What?

NANCY

(echo) Here. Take my hand. This way... (stop echo/footsteps) Ah, this is much better.

NICK

Yes. Pretty fancy lay out you've got here, Nancy. What's this, your boudoir?

NANCY

Oh, no. These are the kennels.

NICK

Putting on the dog, eh? Heh, heh, heh. Say, where are all the doggies?

NANCY

They've mysteriously disappeared...

NICK

Oh, yeah?

NANCY

Yes. I just told you. Along with the servants. They were very attached to one another.

NICK
Where?

NANCY

At the wrist and ankles.

NICK

Wait a minute... you said all the servants had disappeared...

NANCY

Did I?

NICK

What about your butler?

NANCY

You mean… Catherwood?

CATHERWOOD

Yes, madam?

NANCY

Oh! Catherwood, you startled me!

NICK

Oh! Hah hah hah...

CATHERWOOD

I'm sorry, madam.

NANCY

What are you doing there on all fours?

CATHERWOOD

I'm looking for my script. Why don't you just go on without me.

NICK

Listen, Nancy, I smell a rat...

CATHERWOOD

So do I. I think he's got my script.

NANCY

Yes, Catherwood. You look for it, all right?

CATHERWOOD

All right, madam.

NICK Pee-eww.

CATHERWOOD

Here, mousy, mousy…

NANCY

Nick, quickly, through this secret panel.

NICK

All right.

NANCY

Over here. This way. (sliding/struggle)

NICK/NANCY

This is the portrait gallery...Heh, heh. This is the portrait...

NANCY

There's an echo in here. (organ fwah) This is the portrait gallery, Nick. It's the safest room in the mansion.

NICK

Mmm? Mmm.

NANCY

No one can find us here.

NICK

All right, Nancy.

NICK/NANCY

Get your hands off me!

NICK

What's the scoop?

NANCY

Chocolate, butterscotch, or Rocky Rococo...(gasp)... Road! (organ fwah)

NICK

(thinking) That reminded me... how had she gotten herself involved with that slimy weasel Rococo and how do I make my voice do this?

NANCY

Oh, Nicky, Nicky, Nick, Nick… It all began twenty years ago with the mysterious disappearance of my husband.

NICK

You mean you were already married when I sold you that ring? (thinking) No wonder she hadn't been able to meet the payments!

NANCY

What?

NICK

So, that was your secret. Oh, what a sap I've been.

NANCY

Oh, yes, but that night, the strangest thing happened...

NICK

That usually goes along with being just married. Heh, heh, heh…

NANCY

My husband, Johnny, he... oh Nick I want to tell you the horrible truth, the whole truth...all of it...the man behind everything.

CATHERWOOD

Tea, madam? (minor organ fwah)

NICK/NANCY

Oh!

NICK

Let me handle this, Nancy. Far out, Catherwood. Just roll a couple of bombers and leave them on the side table.

CATHERWOOD

Yes, madam. (crash)

NANCY

(cries continuously)

CATHERWOOD

I say, pardon me, madam. I seem to have crashed it. It's been such a long exposition, you know, I'm so tired.

NICK

(sobbing) Catherwood. Catherwood, can't you see you're upsetting Nancy? (Nancy blowing nose) Leave us alone.

CATHERWOOD

Well, how much would you like, sir? Five hundred? A thousand? I could...

NICK

Am-scray uster-bay.

CATHERWOOD

Oh, of course, sir. Koo-koo-kachoo…

NICK

Gesundheit.

CATHERWOOD

Yes. (singing Beatles song:) I'm soooo tired.. (away) I haven't slept a wink. (door close)

NICK

All right, Nancy. Go on with your story. Start with your dreadful secret.

NANCY

Oh, Nick. I can't, I can't. I'm so confused.

NICK

Why don't you just hold your thumb next to your lines, see like this. Look, (page turn) this way I don't get confused and I never lose my place.

NANCY

I...I feel faint...the whole world is spinning.

NICK

Why that's lucky for us, Nancy, if it were flat, all the Chinese would fall off.

NANCY

Oh-ah-oh-ah-oh....(organ slide down) (body falls)

NICK

Why she's no fun. She fell right over. Wait. Didn't I say that on the other side of the record? Poor Nancy, she's fainted. I'll just wrap her skirt around her head like this to keep her warm. (Nancy sighs throughout) Now I'll press her body close to mine to keep me warm...(thinking) She looked so helpless there, spread-eagled on the floor. I beat the eagle off and gave her a quick mouth-to-mouth resuscitation job. And then it struck me. (Nancy wakes up/slap) What a sap she had...uh...(body falls)

CATHERWOOD

(door open) Ah, good girl, Nancy. That ought to hold him for a while. Ha-ha-ha....

NANCY

Poor Nicky... He's bleeding. I'll tear this strip off my petticoat...(rip)

CATHERWOOD

Heh, heh... If you want to...

NANCY

Ah, there. You tie him up with this. I'll go through his pockets.

CATHERWOOD

All right.

NICK

Oh, uh…

CATHERWOOD

Careful....careful... don't wake him up. Sh-shh....

NANCY

Oh, that contract must be on him somewhere...

NICK

Audrey...

ROCKY

(door opens) You fuels!

CATHERWOOD

What?

ROCKY

(door closes/little footsteps) Haven't you found the contract yet? Your time is almost up!

CATHERWOOD

Rococo! You slimy blackmailer. How did you get in here? You don't have a key!

ROCKY

No, only half a key.

CATHERWOOD

What?

ROCKY

I had to split it with the sound effects man.

SOUND GUY

(away) Thanks, Rocky!

ROCKY

Where is the contract, you absent-minded old fraud?!

NANCY

Wait a minute, wait a minute! I found it. It’s taped to his leg.

NICK

(rip) Aarrgghhh!!!!

ROCKY

Give me that, (paper rustling) Ha hah! I've got it at last.

CATHERWOOD

All right. All right. Now, maybe you'll leave us in peace, Rococo! Give me the negative.

ROCKY

Of course, (flap) here it is...

CATHERWOOD

Oh, at last. Now we're out of your evil clutches.

NANCY

Dan! Dan! Wait a minute. Look at this negative. It isn't us. It's an interesting approach but it isn't us.

CATHERWOOD

She's right! What are you trying to pull on me, Rococo?!

ROCKY

Oh, my goodness! I...I must have sent the wrong negative to the police…! I mean, I must have left yours in the car. I'll, uh, I’ll go get it.

CATHERWOOD

Just a second, Rococo. You're not going nowhere until you've explained what you've done with that filthy piece of blackmail.

ROCKY

Are you threatening me?! Why you stupid toad! I ought to beat your brain out!

NANCY

No! Put down that pickle!

SOUND GUY

Hey, that's mine!

CATHERWOOD

You'll never get away with this, Rococo.

ROCKY

Oh, yeah? Didn't you ever see Casablanca? Half a Key Largo? (Nick starts his next line) The Beast with Five Fingers, you fool? You stupid old fool! I need my money! I can get out of any mess!

NICK

(thinking) The thick veil of pain lifted enough for me to eyeball the situation. Rococo! That sleazy weasel! How did he get in here? And what was he doing with that pickle in one hand, and my contract in the other? I had no choice! Nancy and the old butler were frozen with terror. I struggled quietly to my feet, and flung myself headfirst at Rococo's stomach! (grunt/struggle)

NANCY

Thank you! You.. .you've saved our life.

NICK

This ain't no time for ticker-tape parades, baby. Get me out of these ropes and into a good belt of scotch.

CATHERWOOD

Uh, let me, uh, hold that contract for you, Mr. Danger...

NICK

(paper yank) I'll keep that contract, Catherwood! But you can take this pickle off of my hands.

NANCY

Oh no, I think you better hold onto that, Nick.

NICK

Good thinking, Sweetheart. Lieutenant Bradshaw will need all of the evidence he can get.

CATHERWOOD

Uh, yes, heh heh, and you should stick around, too, Danger. You can, uh, help him put all the pieces together, you know? Heh heh heh heh...

NICK

Right!

NANCY

No! A left! (punch)

NICK

Uh! (organ fwah) (thinking) I felt like I was being kicked in the head by the whole chorus line at Minski's! So Nancy was in on this caper! I felt myself going under. The biggest long-shot Louie at Hialeah wouldn't put a fin on my fate now. This time, something told me I was....out for lunch! I even began to hear things...(melodramatic panting/sobbing under the following lines)

NANCY
(echo) I'll never forgive you, Nick...

LT. BRADSHAW

(echo) Keep your nose out of police business, Danger!

CATHERWOOD

(echo) May I take your cat and coat, sir? (meow)

ROCKY
(echo) What about my pickle?!

ANNOUNCER
(echo) We'll be back to Nick Danger after this message...

NICK

(echo) Aughhhhhhhh!!! (organ fwah) (end sequence)

LT BRADSHAW

All right, hold it right where you are! I'm Lieutenant Bradshaw with a piece of advice for you. Now, here in the studio it's all knuckles and know how. But when that red light goes off, I'm just plain Harry Aames: citizen, weekend father. (background – “See ya tomorrow.” “Goodnight, Harry” “Bye Harry”) Now take a tip from a cop who does; radio work can be just as dirty and exciting as hunting down public enemy Number One. So when I get home, my old lady knows what I need, and how! A warm, heaping bowl full of Loosener's Castor Oil Flakes—with real glycerin vibrafoam! It doesn't just wash your mouth out—it cleans the whole system, right on down the line! So, come on you little rookies! Tell your mom to get on it, and do it everyday! Just remember what the guys down at the precinct-house sing...

MEN
(singing)
"Loostners Castor Oil Flakes"
Oh, it ain't no use
If you ain't got the boost
The boost you get from Loostners
Loo-ooo-oostners
The all weather breakfast! (organ) And now we return you to Act Three of Nick Danger, Third Eye! (organ fwah)

NICK

(thinking) When the crazy escalator ride ended, I fought my way back to the land of the living. I came to slumped over in the front seat of my own car, lying in a pool of cheap rotgut. I had a head full of ideas that were driving me insane, and a mouthful of cotton candy...

LT BRADSHAW

Ya want some more cotton candy, Danger? It might sober you up!

NICK

Oh, my head...Bradshaw, baby! I never thought I'd be happy to see your ugly mug.....

LT BRADSHAW

Save your wisecracks for the warden, Danger. I gotcha this time and I gotcha good! (minor organ fwah)

NICK

What are you talking about?

LT BRADSHAW

Get outta that car...if you can stand up! And keep your hands high! I gotcha covered!

NICK

Hey, what's this all about, Bradshaw? You know I never carry a rod...

LT BRADSHAW

Yeah, but it's murder what some people can do with a car, and I got witnesses to prove it!

NANCY

There's the man! Keep me away from him! He did it! (sob)

LT BRADSHAW

Take it easy, lady...

NICK

I don't know why you're doing this, Nancy, but it doesn't change my feelings about you...

NANCY

(sobbing) Oh, Nick, you're such a tool! He did it! (sob)

LT BRADSHAW

All right, all right! Take it easy, little lady. All right, now, let's get these facts straight! Take this down, Henderson. Okay, Professor, how did it happen?

CATHERWOOD

Well, Sergeant...

LT BRADSHAW

Lieutenant.

CATHERWOOD

Yes. Mrs. Farber and I were sitting right here in the living room, engaged in a friendly round of spin the pickle... weren't we, dear? Yes, with our good friend, Mr. Rococo.

NANCY

He did it! (sobs underneath next speech)

CATHERWOOD

Yes... and then suddenly, the door flew open, and this drunken madman, right here, drove in honking wildly and headed straight for us!

NICK

He’s lying, Bradshaw!

LT BRADSHAW

Can it! Can it, Danger!

CATHERWOOD

Yes, and at the last possible moment, he stopped on a dime!

LT BRADSHAW

I see…

CATHERWOOD

Unfortunately, the dime was in Mr. Rococo's pocket.

NICK

I'm going break your neck, Catherwood! (struggle) Lemme at him!!

LT BRADSHAW

All right, all right!! Hold it, Danger! I've heard enough! We'll get the rest of the story downtown at the station house from you. I've been waitin' for this for years...

NICK

Wise up, Bradshaw.

LT BRADSHAW

Week in and week out, Danger…

NICK

I didn't do it...

LT BRADSHAW

…playin' second fiddle while you got all the girls! I'm tired of being Mr. Nice Guy. See, there's gonna be some changes made... Next week this show is gonna be called...

ANNOUNCER

Sergeant Bradshaw...

LT BRADSHAW

Lieutenant!

ANNOUNCER

...District Attorney!

LT BRADSHAW

I'm gonna have my own theme music and its all gonna take place in Washington D.C. No plots, just girls and... and guys, doing nice, simple things up against Nazis and Fifth Columnists and... and no Jewish writers either... (under Nick’s next line) I’ll get my name in the paper, my picture taken along with Colonel Lindbergh and Charles Foster Kane…

NICK

(thinking) I saw my chance, and I took it! Bradshaw would never listen to my story now. It had more holes in it than Albert Hall. My only way out was... like this! (fighting/crashes) All right, all right! Hold it, everybody! Catherwood, stop it! I've got Bradshaw's rod pressed against Nancy's temple. Now you spill the beans or I'll blow her brain out!

CATHERWOOD

I...I...I think you're bluffing, Flatfoot! (gun shot/ gasp/ body falls) No, you weren't bluffing.

NICK

All right! Talk!

CATHERWOOD

It all began twenty years ago. I was a freshman in college then, although you wouldn't hardly believe it to look at me now. I had just completed work on my science project, and I invited Nancy down to reveal the secret to her... (lab sounds/ footsteps) (young Catherwood) Well, this is it, Nancy. How do you like it?

NANCY

So, this is where you've been every night since we got married...

YOUNG CATHERWOOD

Sure is!

NANCY

Oh, Nicky, I thought you were out in the....

YOUNG CATHERWOOD

That's Danny. But don't say it, Nancy, I... I know it's been hard, but I wanted to give you the swellest honeymoon a girl ever had. We're going to Greece!

NANCY

And swim the English Channel?

YOUNG CATHERWOOD

No, no. To Ancient Greece, where burning Sappho loved and sang and stroked the wine-dark sea, in the temple by the moonlight, wa da doo dah...

NANCY

What?

YOUNG CATHERWOOD

Don't you see, Nancy? I've built the perfect time machine!

NANCY

Oh, it sounds dangerous!

YOUNG CATHERWOOD

Yes, that's why I'm going to try it out first. Now, when I get into this grandfather clock, you hit me over the head with this bottle of Champagne, right here, set the dial for a thousand, and put in three dimes. I'll be gone for a thousand years.

NANCY

A thousand! That's longer than anyone's ever been gone before!

YOUNG CATHERWOOD

But to you it will seem only like a minute! Very well, my love. Now, forward into the paaaaaaast! (breaking glass/Tardis)

NANCY
Gee, I hope he gets back before all this dry ice melts! (door open/close) Who...who's there?

ROCKY

Mrs. Haber?

NANCY

Who’s that?

ROCKY

I’m Rocky Rococo. You may have seen me loitering around the drugstore, drinking chocolate malted Falcons and giving away free high school...

NANCY

Well, what are you doing here? What do you want?

ROCKY

(walking) I'm here for a friend, Mrs. Haber. If you sign a contract you're supposed to keep up the payments...

NANCY

Oh, you must be a friend of Nick's...

ROCKY

Yes…

NANCY

Well, he couldn't want his money already. He, he only gave me the ring last night. I...I'm wearing it, see?

ROCKY

Yes, that's a very pretty hand you have there...(struggle) Ha ha ha ha!!

NANCY

Oh! Let go of my hand! (Tardis)

CATHERWOOD

Oh, Nancy! Nancy! It's a success! I'm back! It's a success! I have proof I've been to ancient Greece! Look at this grape! Oh, it's...

NANCY

Who are you, old man? And what have you done with my husband?!

CATHERWOOD

What do you mean, Nancy? I am your husband!

NANCY

(organ fwah) Oh, no!

CATHERWOOD

Well, who's that ugly dwarf with his hand in your mouth, Nancy?

ROCKY

I'm Rocky Rococo, at your cervix.

NICK

All right, all right! Catherwood, I've heard just enough!

NANCY/ROCKY/CATHERWOOD

Wha? Huh? Hey! (various interjections)

CATHERWOOD

Listen, I’m telling this story, young man. What are you doing in my flashback?

NICK

Flashback? What are you ta...flashba... all right, all of you! You stay right where you are! Put your thumbs on your place in your script while I figure this out! (mumbles/paper wrinkles)(thinking) So that was her horrible secret! Poor Nancy! Married to a man a thousand years old! Now I understood why the servants had disappeared! It was Catherwood who killed Rococo to protect his wife, my Betty Jo!

NANCY

Who is he talking to and how does he make his voice do that?

NICK

All right, Bradshaw, there's your confession! I hope you got it all down! Brad...Bradshaw? Bradshaw! Oh, that's right.. .He's not in this flashback. Oh, how do I, uh... (pages turn) I'll skip ahead a bit.. .No, I can't skip ahead.. .ah, um... All right, everybody! Into the time machine!

(struggle/arguing)

CATHERWOOD

No! No! No! No! No! You don't understand how radio works. Now, it's my flashback, all I have to do to return us to the present is fade my voice out like this (away) and cue the organist! (organ plays)( voice fades back in, organ) And you see? Here we are! (doubled) Oh my goodness.

LT BRADSHAW

What's happening? Am I seeing double? There's two of everybody except me!

BOTH NICKS

(thinks) Pandemonium was breaking out all around me! (speaking) Wait a minute! Who are you?! I was here first! You impostor! Take that! (double punch) Oof!

NANCY 1

Oh, that’s terrible!

NANCY 2

You keep away from him, you young hussy!

NANCY 1

Who are you calling a hussy, you old bag?

NANCY 2

How dare you talk to me like that?

NANCY 1

I can talk to me anyway I like!

NANCY 2

What nerve! I'm not you! You're me twenty years ago!

NANCY 1

What! You have a lot of nerve saying I'm going to look like that in twenty years!

NANCY 2

Oh, yeah?

BOTH NANCYS

There ain't room enough in this dress for both of us!

NANCY1

Have at you!

NANCY2

Gesundheit! (clothes rip/mayhem/crashes)

CATHERWOOD

(older) Well, this is a bit of fun. Isn’t it, Catherwood?

CATHERWOOD

(old) Yes, it certainly is dad. Glad to have someone my own age to talk to after all these years.

CATHERWOOD

(older) Why don't we sing something?

CATHERWOOD

Well, I’ve forgotten the key.

CATHERWOOD

That’s all right, I’ve got a lid out in the car.

BOTH CATHERWOODS

(singing w/ piano accompany)

ROCKY

Stop it! Stop it! Stop singing, you fools! Can't you see someone has been crushed here under this car?! Oh, oh my god, it's me! I don't look at all well! I'm dead! I've been killed! Oh!!! This hasn't happened to me since "M"!

BOTH NICKS

(thinking) I did a quick 20/20 on the whole scene. I thought that I was the only one going insane but now we were all in this together. I knew what I had to do. I didn't like it but that didn't stop me before, (speaking) All right, everybody, take off your -

ANNOUNCER

Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this scheduled transmission to bring you an announcement of national importance from the White House in Washington D.C. Ladies and gentlemen? Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

PRESIDENT

My fellow Americans - this morning at 6:25 AM Pacific Standard Time, combined elements of the Imperial Japanese Navy and Air forces ruthlessly attacked our naval base at Pearl Harbor, in the Hawaiian Islands. I have conferred this morning with the congress and the chiefs of staff in emergency session, we have reached our rendezvous with destiny. It is our unanimous and irrevocable decision that the United States of America ...unconditionally surrender. And now my wife and I would like to return with you for the thrilling conclusion of Private Nick Danger, Third Eye.

NICK

-ks like I've solved another one for you.

BRADSHAW

Danger, I'll never know how you do it. I was sure I had the goods on you this time.

NICK

Well, Bradshaw, it's like in the Army, you know the great Prince issues commands, founds states, vests families with fiefs, inferior people should not be employed.

BRADSHAW

Nick, I can't knock success, but you still put me through too many changes.

ANNOUNCER

(organ) The makers of Loosener's Castor Oil Flakes and Fantastic Cigarettes. Loosner's for the smile of beauty (sing – “Loooosners”) Fantastics for the smile of success (cough) brought you the transcribed adventures of Nick Danger, Third Eye. Tune in again next week - same time, same station - when Nick Danger meets The Arab!

(organ out)