The Ralph Spoilsport Mantra

Ralph Spoilsport: Hiya friends! Ralph Spoilsport here from Ralph Spoilsport Motors, the world's largest new used and used new automobile dealership: Ralph Spoilsport Motors here in the city of Emphysema. Let's just look at the extras on this fabulous car! Wire-wheel spoke fenders and two-way sneeze through wind vents, star-studded mud guard, sponge-coated edible steering column, chrome fender dents - and factory air conditioned air from our fully factory-equipped air conditioned factory!

It's a beautiful car friends, with doors to match! Birch's Blacklist says this car was stolen but for you friends a complete price: only two-ninety-five hundred dollars in easy monthly payments of twenty dollars a week twice a week and never on Sunday!

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: I'll take it! I'll take it! I can't wait to get away from it all.

Ralph Spoilsport: Well, okay, fine! Let's just take a look inside your beautiful new home. Come on in!

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: Thanks!

Ralph Spoilsport: Well, as you can see, this car's been fully equipped with a complete line of extras designed with your mind in mind. Here, for instance; an all-weather climate control in red, blue or green, with a special [unclear]

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: Gee whiz!

Ralph Spoilsport: And there, of course, your own personal remote control picture [unclear] color TV with matching brass knobs. Just reach above the bar and press the button right there under the handy laminated imitation [unclear] Wild West gun rack with the look of real wood--for the channel of your choice.

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: Ralph, can I try it?

Ralph Spoilsport: Sure.

TV: --don't we do it in the road here at Ralph Spoilsport Motors here in[unclear]

Ralph Spoilsport: How do you like those colors?

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: Nice. Can you get UHF?

Ralph Spoilsport: No, I don't believe in flying saucers...And a little blue halo in there.

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: Can I, uh, can I get a little more orange in his face?

Ralph Spoilsport: Sure, do it right there.

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: Where? Right--

Ralph Spoilsport: No, move that--

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: Under the trigger here?

Ralph Spoilsport: Yep, that's it.

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: Just a second, better get the safety off. Oho! Look at that blue horse! That's, uh, I think I've, uh...

Ralph Spoilsport: Look at the muscles on that dude, got muscles there...

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: That's, uh, Steve Reeves!

Ralph Spoilsport: Huh? No.

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: No? That, there, that's Steve Reeves.

Ralph Spoilsport: No, that's Agnes Moorehead.

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: Oh yeah? I thought I'd--I had--I've seen this one. Where's the bathroom?

Ralph Spoilsport: Huh? Oh, right next to the radio there, completely modulated with dual left and right stereo speakers [unclear] frequencies [unclear]

[kazoo]

TV: [unclear]Silver [unclear] never die [unclear] 249 dollars and 95 cents. 300 dollars and [unclear] free over the next sixteen [unclear]

[kazoo]

Ralph Spoilsport: By the way, we also have FM. Right here.

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: FM over here? Let me try it.

Radio: Go up in your wife and get in any direction on the freeway of your choice and we'll see you in a couple of hours, Ralph Spoilsport Motors, the world famous here in the city of fine music. Thanks for the insurrection and now back to our morning concert and afternoon showtime favorite, "The Magic Bowl Movement," from Symphony in C minus by Johann Amadeus Mudheadski Madesky.

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: Hey Ralph, great fidelity on that FM. Nice tone.

Ralph Spoilsport: Well, listen, you haven't heard nothing yet! I've got right here this in this car for your transatlantic riding pleasure this fully elegraphic sea master shortwave radio in this nonreturnable, nondisposable [unclear] lined carrying case.

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: Can I get Duluth on it?

Ralph Spoilsport: Duluth? Bucko, you can get Tierra del Fuego.

Radio: [unintelligible Spanish-accented chatter]

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: Nice picture. I like it.

Ralph Spoilsport: What?

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: I like it.

Ralph Spoilsport: Wait a minute--

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: I said--Ralph--

Ralph Spoilsport: Let me turn off some of this junk and get back to [unclear] Turn this [unclear] off--radio--over here--

Mr. and Mrs. John Q Smith: I'll get the TV.

Ralph Spoilsport: No, no, no, leave it on for a minute. Yeah, yeah, I have seen this before. Well, that's it. Here's your keys. Goodbye, friend, and happy motoring, back on the freeway, which is already in progress!