The Deadwood Stage

[MILLER, spoken]
Susan! No news of the stage yet? It's due right now.

[SUSAN, spoken]
It'll be here Uncle. No need to worry.

[MILLER, spoken]
Who's worried? You ever seen me worried?

[COWBOY, spoken]
It's the stage! The stage is comin'!

[Chorus]
Oh, the Deadwood Stage
Is a-rollin' on oer the plains
With the curtains flappin'
And the driver slappin' the reins
Beautiful sky, a wonderful day
Whip-crack-away, whip-crack-away
Whip-crack-away!

Oh, the Deadwood Stage
Is a-headin' on over the hills
Where the Injun arrows arc a-thicker
Than porcupine quills
Dangerous land, no time to delay
Whip-crack-away, whip-crack-away
Whip-crack-away!

[MEN]
They're headin' straight for town
Loaded clown with a fancy cargo

[Chorus]
Cargo!

[MEN]
Care of Wells and Fargo, Illinois'

[Chorus]
Boy!

Oh, the Deadwood Stage
Is a-coming on over the crest
Like a homin' pigeon
That's a-hankerin' after its nest
Twenty-three miles they've covered today
Whip-crack-away, whip-crack-away
Whip-crack-away!

[MILLER, spoken]
Well, it's here all right. Calamity’s done it again.

[DOC, spoken]
What'ja expect?

[MILLER, spoken]
That she'd mighta gotten herself into another Indian fight — and she did! That gal's never happy unless she's blasting away with a rifle in her hand.

[BILL, spoken]
Quit boilin' over, Millie! Calam's never failed to bring in the stage yet - Injuns or no Injuns!

[MILLER, spoken]
Didn't want anything to happen to her this trip. She's got my actress aboard – I hope!

[MEN]
The wheels go turnin' round
Homeward bound
Can't cha hear 'em hummin'?

[Chorus]
Hummin’!

[MEN]
Happy times a-comin’ fer to stay

[Chorus]
Hey!

They'll be home tonight
By the light of the silvery moon
And their hearts a-thumpin'
Like a mandolin plunkin' a tune!
When they get home, they'll be fixin' to stay
Whip-crack-away, whip-crack-away
Whip-crack-away!

Here they be! Here they be!
How's about a welcome?
A peaceful sort of welcome
For the gang - bang!
Oh, the Deadwood stage
Is finally home again!

[Instrumental]

[MARTIN]
Well, excuse my stammer if it ain't Calamity Jane!

[CHRIS HEELEY]
Hi-yah, Calam! Watcher bring us today?

[MARTIN]
New Rubber boots

[CHRIS HEELEY]
Ten dollar suits

[PRUE]
Things to crochet

[CALAMITY]
Beads that sparkle like a prism
Snake oil fer yer rheumatism
Calico and Gingham fer the girls
Gum drops made up in Chicagee
Gum drops just a trifle soggy
And a genuine string of artificial pearls!

Here's a hat from Cincinnati
Same as Adelina Patti
Wore in every famous concert hall
Cast yer eye on Doctor Borah's
Patent-pending hair-restorer
Guaranteed to grow hair on a billiard ball!

Introducin' Henry Miller
Just as busy as fizzy sasparilla
Ain't a showman any smarter
Operates the Golden Garter
Where the cream of Deadwood City comes to dine
And I'm glad to say he's a very good friend of mine

Here is Charlie from Nantucket
I been told he panned for gold
But never struck it!
Frontier man and broncho buster
Injun scout for Gen'ral Custer
Back in Yellowstone in eighteen-sixty-nine
But I'm glad to say he's a very good friend of mine!

Hi, Joe!
Say, where d'ja get them fancy clothes
I know, off some feller's laundry line!
Hi, Flo! Ain't you the prairie rose
'N smellin' like a watermelon vine

Here's a man the sheriff watches
On his gun
There's more’n twenty-seven notches!
On the draw there's no one faster
And you're flirtin' with disaster
When Bill Hickock's reputation you malign
But I'm glad to say he's a very good friend
Of a friend of mine!

[CALAMITY & CHORUS ]
(Ah...)
Oh, my throat is dry
As a desert thistle in May
In the Golden Garter
Gonna wet my whistle today
Last to the bar's a three-legged crow
(Three-legged crow!)
Set 'em up, Joe, set 'em up, Joe
Set 'em up Joe!

[MILLER, BILL & CHORUS]
(Set 'em up, Joe!)
Drinks on the house! Drinks on the house!
Name yer poison!

[CALAMIT, spoken]
Make mine sas'perilly!

[CHORS]
Set 'em up, Joe
Set 'em up, Joe
Set 'em up, Joe
Set 'em up, Joe!