I Can Do Without You

[CALAMITY]
In the summer, you're the winter
In the finger, you're the splinter
In the banquet you're the stew
Say!
I can do without you

[BILL]
In the garden, you're the nettle
And the mildew on the petal
Like an overturned canoe
Well!
I can do without you!

[CALAMITY]
You can go to Philadelphia
Take a hack to Hackensack
Hey!
I'll never ring a bell fer ya
Or yell fer ya to come back
In the question, you're the why

[BILL]
In the ointment you're the fly

[CALAMITY]
Though I know some things are indispensable
Like a buck or two
If there's anything I can do without
I can do without you

[BILL] In the barrel, you're the pickle
In the gold mine you're the nickel
You're the tack inside my shoe
Yup!
I can do without you

[CALAMITY]
In my bosom, you're the dagger
You're a mangy carpet-bagger
In the theatre you're the boo
I can do without you

[BILL]
You have charms
They're not bewitchin' me
You've a face no one would paint

[CALAMITY]
I've got the darnedest itch in me
To be wherever you ain't

[BILL]
In the bullfrog, you're the croak

[CALAMITY]
In the forest, poison oak

[BILL]
Though I know some things are necessary
My half-pint buckaroo
If there's one thing I can do without
I can do without you

[RATTLESNAKE, spoken]
Stage is all ready, Calam!

[CALAMITY, spoken]
Then let's get the old schooner rollin'...

[MILLER, spoken] Salary's no object! Promise her anything - only bring her here!

[CALAMITY]
I'll bring her... I hope you like her when I've brung her!

[CALAMITY]
I shall hate 'er!

[BILL]
'Cos she's pretty?

[CALAMITY]
See you later

[BILL]
More’s the pity

[CALAMITY & BILL]
I can do without you