Men!

[CALAMITY, spoken]
Men!...

[CALAMITY]
Men! Men! Horrible men!
I've said it before, and I'll say it again
What I think of men you can't print in a book
Lucky the girl who has never been took!

Men! Men! Give 'em a chance
They'll string you along with a song and a dance
They'll slip you the wink with the pink lemonade
But leave you as soon as
The moon starts to fade!

Oh, I do not choose to tarry
In a bonnet of burberry blue
And I don't propose to marry
You can call off the minister
I’II be a spinister!

Men! Men! Mischievous men!
Be on your guard when you stroll in the glen
They'll ply you with trinkets and promise you pearls
Regarding their promises
Do just as Momma says
Be Doubting Thomases, girls

Men! Men! Horrible word!
Show me the dove, and I'll give it the bird
Just let a tenderfoot mention "l'amour"
Quick, like a flash
I will give him the cure!

Males! Males! Rip-roarin' males!
Frisky from whisky, and fillin' up jails
A five-dollar wager will get you a ten
No Deadwood coyote will hog-tie this hen!

Men are made to breed confusion
Love is wois’n a poisonous bite
So I've come to this conclusion
I don't want any part of 'em
Oh, the black heart of 'em!

Down! Down! Down with 'em all!
The cow-punchin' type, or the tenderfoot tall
Mule-headed men who are mentally ten
Pluggable, pinchable
Huggable, clinchable
Lovable, lynchable men!

Men have got a sort of nose fer
Any chicken who's kickin’ around
And I reckon, ma'am, that goes for
Ev'ry masculine resident
Up to the President!

Hi-ho! Song and a Dance
Trouble comes double in buckskin and pants
When Adam begat
All the troubles began

So now that we've finally hollered our heads off
And dished all the dirt that we can
For Pete's sake
Send us a man!