The Baseball Game (Falsettoland)

(everyone shouting various encouragements to Jason)

ALL:
We’re sitting
And watching Jason play baseball
We’re watching Jason play baseball!
We’re watching Jewish boys
Who cannot play baseball, play baseball!
We’re watching Jewish boys
Who cannot play baseball play-

MARVIN:
I hate baseball, I really do!
Unlike the rest of you
I hate baseball!

CHARLOTTE AND CORDELIA:
We really wish he’d take this more seriously!

MENDEL:
I like how he swings the bat!

MARVIN:
It’s good how he swings the bat
But why does he have to throw like that?

ALL:
We’re sitting
And watching Jason make errors
The most pathetical errors!
We’re watching Jewish boys
Who almost read Latin
Up, battin’
And battin’ bad!

MENDEL:
Remember Sandy Koufax!
You can do it if you wanna do it!
Take heart from Hank Greenberg!
It’s not genetic
Anything can be copacetic!
I think, I think
I think it can, I think it can!

ALL:
We’re sitting
And watching Jason play baseball
We’re watching Jason play baseball!
We’re watching Jewish boys
We’re watching Jewish boys
We’re watching-
SLIDE, JASON!
Slide, Jason!
Slide

(Whizzer enters)

MARVIN:
What’s Whizzer doing here?

TRINA:
What are you doing here?

WHIZZER:
Jason asked me to come
Since he asked me to come, I came

TRINA:
Just what I wanted at a Little League game
My ex-husband’s ex-lover!
Isn’t that what every mother dreams about
Having at a Little League game

MENDEL:
Looking at Whizzer is like eating treyf

CORDELIA:
The kid was out!

CHARLOTTE:
The kid was safe!

CORDELIA:
The kid was out!

CHARLOTTE:
The kid was safe!

WHIZZER:
Hey!
I love baseball
I love baseball
That’s what I’m doing here

CHARLOTTE: (spoken)
Aw, where the hell did they get that umpire!
Oh hi, Whizzer

WHIZZER:
(chuckles) Hey

MARVIN:
Look who’s here
Say hello

WHIZZER:
Hello

MARVIN:
And you’re looking sweeter than a donut

WHIZZER:
Marvin

MARVIN:
Whizzer

WHIZZER:
He’s still queer?

MARVIN:
Am I queer?

TRINA:
I don’t know

MENDEL:
Does it matter?

MARVIN:
It’s been so long since I could tell
Move in front of me
I wanna see the bald spot!
C’mon, c’mon
Sit in front of me
It gives me pleasure to see the bald spot!
Since it’s the only
Physical imperfection that you’ve got
I wanna see it!
I wanna touch it!
I wanna run my hands through it!

ALL EXCEPT MARVIN:
We’re sitting
And watch the kid as he misses!
We’re watching Marvin throw kisses
We’re watching sixty-seven pounders
Watching Jewish boys miss grounders

ALL:
Watching boys field, boys bat
Boys this, boys that
Watching Jason on deck
Swinging the bat!

WHIZZER:
Keep your head in the box
Don’t think of a thing
Keep your head in the box
Your eye on the ball
Take a breath, then let it out
And swing!

(Whizzer and everyone else repeat, overlapping)
ALL:
Keep your head in the box
Don’t think of a thing
Keep your head in the box
Your eye on the ball
Take a breath, then let it out
And swing!

MARVIN:
Even bald, he looks good

WHIZZER:
Just remember he’s an asshole

MARVIN:
He looks damn good, but he’s cheap as dirt

WHIZZER:
Even maniacs can charm
Which he does, so beware

MARVIN:
And just be careful

WHIZZER:
When he smiles that smile, avoid him
Or else sound the alert!

MARVIN AND WHIZZER:
How could I know, without him
My life would be boring as shit

MARVIN:
But it is

WHIZZER: (spoken)
Jason! You gotta move a little closer to the plate!

MARVIN:
(sung) Oh, yes, it is-
(spoken) What- He’s gonna be hit by the ball!

MARVIN AND WHIZZER: (sung)
Please, God, don’t let me make the same mistake!

ALL:
We’re sitting
And watching Jason, the batter!
We know our cheering won’t matter!
It is the very final inning
And the other team is winning
And there’s two outs, two strikes
But the bases are loaded and-

MARVIN:
Could it be possible to see you, or to kiss you
Or to give you a call?

ALL:
Anything’s possible, Jason
Hit the ball!

(spoken) Run!