That is the End of the News

We're told very loudly and often
To lift up our hearts
We're told that good humour will soften
Fate's cruellest darts
So however bad our domestic troubles may be
We just shake with amusement and sing with glee

Hey-ho, Mum's had those pains again
Granny's in bed with her varicose veins again
Everyone's gay because dear Cousin Florrie
Was run down on Saturday night by a lorry
We're so glad that Elsie's miscarriage
Occurred on the Wednesday after her marriage
When Albert fell down all the steps of the town hall
And got three bad cuts and a bruise

We're delighted to be able to say
We're unable to pay off our debts
We're excited because Percy's got mange
And we've run up a bill at the vet's

Three cheers! Ernie's got boils again
Everything's covered in ointments and oils again
Now he's had seven, so God's in his heaven
And that is the end of the news

Hey-ho, everything's fearful
We do wish that Vi was a little more cheerful
The only result of her last operation
Has been gales of wind at the least provocation
Don't laugh, poor Mrs Mason
Was washing some smalls in the lavatory basin
When that old corroded gas heater exploded
And blew her smack into the mews

We're in clover. Uncle George is in clink
For refusing to work for the war
Now it's over, Auntie Maud seems to think
He'll be much better placed than before

What fun! Dear little Sidney
Produced a spectacular stone in his kidney
He's had eleven, so God's in his heaven
And that is the end of the news

Hey-ho, what a catastrophe
Grandfather's brain is beginning to atrophy
Last Sunday night after eating an apple
He made a rude noise in the Methodist chapel
Good egg! Dear little Doris
Has just been expelled for assaulting Miss Morris
And both of her sisters are covered in blisters
From standing about in the queues

We've been done in by the mortgage foreclosure
And Father went out on a blind
He got run in for indecent exposure
And ever so heavily fined

Hey-ho, hey diddle diddle
Aunt Isabel's shingles have met in the middle
She's buried in Devon, so God's in his heaven
And that is the end of the news