Society Ladies

When society ladies ask me to tea
Oh, what a letdown I must be
They think I'm a star-- how wrong they are
Cos I'm no-one, no-one but me

When society ladies ask me to dine
They're thrilled by eight, and bored by nine
They know something's wrong-- I'm not like the song
Cos I'm no-one, no-one but me

They ask me to play the piah-no
Which for my information's an heirloom
The polish is stunning, the gold-plate it is running
And invariably out of tune

When society ladies show mе to their friends
They kiss my cheek, but that's whеre it ends
For although I'm a name, it's not quite the same
Cos I'm no-one, no-one but me

[Instrumental bridge]

I once fell in love with a girl from Roedean
She was terribly cool, I was frightfully keen
I tried all my numbers to get up her jumpers
But nothing, nothing for me

I was once asked to play at a debutante's ball
She said I was sweet, which means nothing at all
I asked her to dance, but I knew at a glance
I was no-one, no-one but me

They try very hard to be down to earth
And talk about things I should know
But after a time, they succumb to their wine
And their breeding begins to show

When society ladies ask me to lunch
I'm very honoured, but here comes the crunch
They've heard I was seen with their daughter last night
And they'd like to put me gently right
That although I am kind and unusually bright
I'll never be Mark Phillips, try as I might
Cos I'm no-one, no-one but me