State Legislatures and ALEC

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John: If you've been near a television recently, you've learned exactly one thing. The midterm elections are upon us.

(Queues clip from Fox News Live): Two days to go before the midterm elections. All eyes are on on them.

(Queues clip from MSNBC): The big question, really the only question - do the Democrats hold on to the majority?

(Queues clip from Good Morning America - ABC): Can Republicans take control of the US Senate?

(Queues clip from The Ed Show): Bottom line here is this is - as we we say it every time - one of the most important Elections in American History.

John: Oh but I'm serious this time. Take your American history books. Burn them in the streets. They are worthless after Tuesday.

(Audience laughs)

John: Why the Senate is up for grabs, I repeat the f***ing Senate is up for grabs!

(Audience laughs)

John: All this crazy attention on Congressional races is a little strange for one important reason -

(Queues clip from NBC News): This Congress, with Republicans in charge of the house and Democrats in charge of the Senate is on track to be the least productive in History.

John: This Congress is shaping up to be least productive in History. Although to be fair - Congress is like Jazz - it's really about the bills it's not passing.

(Audience laughs)

John: It's also like Jazz in that most people hate it and anyone who says they don't are lying.

(Audience laughs)

John: And, and the Senate is likely to remain inactive no matter which party controls it after Tuesday. So why all this attention on the National level where almost nothing is happening? When down at the local level everything is happening. That's right tonight with we're going to talk about the Elections that actually matter on Tuesday. The ones for State Legislators. And look - I know it can be hard to take Candidates for State Houses seriously, partly because of their ridiculous ads.

(Queues ad for Senator Chuck Colgan. The Senator is punching a speed bag): Senator Chuck Colgan is fighting for you in return.

(Audience laughs)

(Queues ad for Tony Cochran. He is holding a chicken): I can stand here and tell you I was raised on a poultry farm.

(Audience continues laughs)

(Queues ad for Duane Zobrist who is holding an Eagle): Together, we can make West Virginia's economy take off.

(Audience laughs)

John: That's - That's a great ad and I'll tell you why. 'Cause you just inherently trusts a guy who wonders around in public with a bird on his hand.

(Audience laughs)

John: Drape a snack around his shoulders - you've got yourself a President right there.

(Audience laughs)

John: In Montana, one Candidate has an ad running declaring his belief in the Constitution over a shot over the Declaration of Independence.

(Audience laughs and claps)

John: And - what appears of a photo of an old man stabbing a small child to death with a flag.

(Audience continues laughs and claps)

John: (John laughs) that’s a compelling image. Yes. But I doubt if you want to use it for a Political campaign.

(Audience laughs)

John: The other problem is whenever you do hear about State Legislators is usually because something crazy has happened. Like a fist fight between two old men in the Alabama Senate or a Florida State Senator looking at topless photos during an abortion debate.

(Audience laughs)

John: Or this California Assembly man discussing his sex life into a live microphone.

(Queues footage of Standing Cmte. Appropriations California State Assembly where Duvall is speaking to):

Duvall: So, I've been getting into spanking her.

Miller: You are?

Duvall: Yeah, I like it.

Miller: Does she?

Duvall: Yeah, when I spank her she goes, “I know you like spanking me. Don't ya?" I go "That's cause you're such a bad girl."

(Audience bursts out in full laughter)

John: Eww. Yuck. It's not really a surprise that you made that mistake with a microphone. You don't seem like someone who can tell whether something is turned on or not.

(Audience laughs)

John: And, and even - even when lawmakers are doing their jobs, things can actually get worse.

(Queues news footage of Annie Imanuel and Mika Highsmith of WTXL news): A Florida lawmaker is pushing forward tonight with his plan to repeal a ban on dwarf tossing.

Representative Ritch Workman: I've spoken to Doctors and Lawyers and CFO and our little people. They can make their own decision and this state said no you can't we’ll make it for you.

(Audience laughs)

John: (Holding head) Ok - individual rights aside - Let's all just agree. That if it happened in the Wolf of Wall Street, it should not be legal.

(Audience laughs)

John: And of course, sometimes you'll hear about State Legislators because of something insane they've said. Like Sally Kern from Oklahoma.

(Queues footage of Sally Kern speaking to the Senate): Is this just because their black that they're in prison or could it be because they didn't want to work hard in school. And white people often times don't want to work hard in school. Or Asians often times. But a lot of times that's what happens. I taught school for twenty years and I say a lot of, lot of people of color who didn't want to work as hard. They wanted, wanted it given to them.

John: Look Sally, if you're going to be that racist in public, there's really no need for you to use the term (air quotes) people of color.

(Audience laughs)

John: African Americans are not listening to everything you just said there going, "Lazy? HEY. In prison? HEY. People of color? Well that is nice. That balances it out."

(Audience laughs)

John: That's, that's basically clear now. And, and she's not the only one in the Oklahoma house speaking her crazy mind.

(Queues footage of Oklahoma Representative John Bennett): I've said Islam was a cancer that needed to be cut of American society. And I stand by that. I still think that. And I will not back down or change my mind.

(Audience woo)

John: I do not doubt that.

(Audience laughs)

John: The phrase "Islam is a cancer," is not usually associated with people who are opened to new ideas or arguments.

(Audience laughs)

John: The, the point is, is it any wonder State Legislators are perceived as circuses when they give us footage like this –

(Queues footage of State Representative Mike Bost (R-Murphysboro) throwing paper up in the air and smacking it): These DAMN bills that come out of here - ALL THE DAMN TIME. Come out here at the last FUCK IT - And I got to try to figure out how to vote for my people. I’m sick of it! EVERY YEAR! ENOUGH I feel like somebody trying to be released from Egypt. LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!

(Audience laughs and claps)

John: (Laughs) if - If Moses had said let my people go like that, I'm pretty sure Pharaoh would have said, “FINE Moses - I'll let them go!"

(Audience laughs)

John: "Just calm the f*** down." Look State Legislators are hilarious. There's only one problem increasingly they're the places most Legislation is taking place. So far this session, Congress has pass just 185 Laws. State Legislators have passed more than 24,000. I'm starting to realize why that guy was getting so angry. I'd hit a bill too if I knew there were 24,000 of them. (Picks up some papers and slaps them) There's too many! It’s TOO MANY!!!! IT"S TOO MANY BILLS!!!!

(Audience laughs and claps)

John: And look, look look - sure some of those bills were meaningless. Like Missouri declaring jumping jacks their official State exercise. Incident, New York's official State exercise - kegels. (Grunts)

(Audience laughs)

John: (Continues to grunt) But look - but look not all State laws are so silly. Some have profound impact. Legislators are sometimes called the laboratories of democracy and sometimes their experiments are great. Like raising the minimum wage. Like these States have done. Or overturning bans on Gay Marriage, like these. But other times - State laws can go a different way.

(Queues footage of Melissa Harris-Perry Live on MSNBC): Between 2011 and 2013 individual states passed more than 200 abortion restrictions. More than the entire previous decade.

John: That's right in fact a law which passed in Mississippi is so restrictive it could close the one remaining abortion clinic they have in the entire state. Meaning a Mississippi right now could be saying to herself, "I need to go someplace more progressive like Alabama."

(Audience laughs)

John: State houses do a huge amount of work while no one is watching. From abortion, uh, to gun control - to environment Legislation. And yet, admit it - you probably don't know who your State Legislator is. Which means all those conspiracy theories about shadow Government are actually true. Only, it's not group of billionaires meeting in a mountain lure in Zurich. It's a bunch of pasty bureaucrats meeting in a windowless committee room in Langston, Michigan.

(Audience laughs)

John: So, so we took a look at State Legislators this week and the first surprising thing was that no two are alike. Because just as each State has a treasured regional cuisine from Maryland's Chesapeake blue crabs to Florida's half of Cuban sandwich wrestled away from dirty pelican.

(Audience laughs)

John: Each, each state - Each state has its own way of governing. For start they range wildly in size. From 49 lawmakers in Nebraska to 424 in New Hampshire. 424 - Sparta fended off Persia with only 300 people

(Audience laughs and claps)

John: And for some reason New Hampshire needs 424 to issue an f***ing leafy stamp.

(Audience continues laugh and clap)

John: And - and while some operate year around - others are very much part time. Utah for instance has one of 45 day session per year. That's not a Congress. That's a summer camp.

(Audience laughs)

John: Accept instead of eating s’mores and throwing sticks at possums - they're passing laws restricting a woman’s right to choose and throwing sticks at possums.

(Audience laughs)

John: But, but whether they are full time or part time - there is one thing most state houses have in common. A shocking lack of oversight. For instance when it comes to conflicts of interest - generally lawmakers are supposed to recuse themselves from voting on bills that would give them a direct financial benefit. You're essentially asking state legislators to practice self-control. Remember - Legislators like this guy -

(Queues footage of State Representative Mike Bost): LET MY PEOPLE GOOO!!!

(Audience laughs)

John: OKAY!!! So, so let's look at that in action. Hawaii state house is part time and one of its members Joe Souki had a side job collecting 24,000 dollars a year as Consultant to a plastic trade association. So when Hawaii was considering imposing a fee for plastic bags - the onset was on him to reveal his conflict of interest. Let's see how that played out.

(Queues footage of Capital TV):

Joe Souki: I have a potential conflict of interest.

Speaker: What is your conflict?

Joe Souki: I'm a consultant with the American Chemistry Council. They produce plastics and right now I'm hired as a consultant to work with Maui County on the Styrofoam problem. Thank you.

Speaker: Thank you very much. There is no conflict.

(Audience laughs)

John: WHAT? What do you mean there's no conflict? He was being paid by the plastics industry. Unless in Hawaii conflict of interest means both conflict of interest and (air quotes) not a conflict of interest.

(Audience laughs)

John: You know like how Aloha means hello and good-bye. That's the only f***ing acceptable explanation. Now, now to be fair most States have ethics commissions but an investigation into how effective they are gave grades of either D or F to 28 out of 41 of them. And remember, if you fail an ethics test - that's doubly bad because there's no f***ing way you didn't attempt to cheat on it.

(Audience laughs)

John: And yet - and yet somehow with latch rules and terrible oversight - some state Legislators still manage to get in trouble.

(Queues footage of ABC News): In Massachusetts, three successive Speakers of the House have been indicted or convicted. Not to mention the lawmakers who took a bribe from an FBI undercover and stuffed the cash in her bra.

(Audience ooohs and chuckles)

John: Stuffing bribe money in a bra is sad for two reasons. One - you're corrupt but two the amount of money it took to corrupt you fits inside your bra.

(Audience laughs and claps)

John: Meanwhile, meanwhile - out in California State Senator Leeland Yee was arrested in March on charges of arms trafficking and wire fraud to which he's plead not guilty. But that's not even the most interesting part.

(Queues ABC News footage of Leeland Yee): Yee was arrested Wednesday along with suspected Chinatown gang figure Raymond Shrimp-Boy Chow.

(Audience laughs)

John: Ok. Ok. So, first - that's amazing. And secondly how is that the photo they used of Raymond Shrimp-Boy Chow? When this one also exists.

(Audience laughs and claps)

John: Where he looks like an early nineties Steven Segal movie villain. Come on yous! Why would Raymond Shrimp-Boy Chow have a photo like that taken of him? Unless he wanted it used when he was inevitably arrested for arms trafficking one day.

(Audience laughs)

John: Do the right thing! And some State Legislators get in trouble in the most pathetic possible way. Take Rhode Island’s Dominic Regerio whose political career managed to where he had been arrested for allegedly shoplifting condoms from a CVS at the age of 41.

(Audience laughs)

John: While in office and who in 2012 was pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving.

(Queues news footage Time White reporting from Eyewitness News Channel 12): When police were questioning State Senator Dominic Regerio his Senate Colleague Frank Ciccone pulled up to the scene. Ciccione allegedly told one of the patrol men quote, “You think you got pension problems now, wait 'til this (expletive) is all done. This guy voted against you the last time, it ain't gonna get any better now."

(Audience oohhh and boos)

John: It happened everyone. I think we just hit Peak Rhode Island.

(Audience laughs)

John: Think about it a Legislator called Regerio being pulled over by police while a fellow lawmaker called Ciccone swears to them about pensions.

(Audience laughs)

John: The only way that could more Rhode Island is if they were all somehow clams.

(Audience laughs)

John: And yet, you have to remember all the people you've seen were electing to bodies where legislation actually gets passed. A LOT. And watch, most people may ignore these bodies, corporations certainly don't. In fact - they've taken advantage through a group called ALEC. And yes, ALEC sounds like the name of a High School lacrosse player who just got baked and wrecked his dad's SAAB.

(Audience laughs)

John: But, but incredibly it's actually even worse.

(Queues footage of All In with Chris Hayes on MSNBC): For more than 30 years, a private taxed exempt organization called the American Legislative Exchange Council, ALEC has brought state law makes, conservative think tanks and corporate interests together to write model legislation to be introduced and passed in state house across the Country.

John: It's basically a conservative bill mill. Which has helped develop model legislation from Arizona's notorious SB1070 Immigration Bill. Uh, to build expanding private prisons. Payday Loan companies and full profit colleges. All of which we have talked about on this very show. Infect I am going to list ALEC in the credits for our show as Associated Producer of creating horrifying things for us to talk about.

(Audience laughs and claps)

John: Great work ALEC. See you at the end of season wrap party. You pieces of shit!

(Audience applauds)

John: The thing is - ALEC is everywhere. Roughly one in four state legislators are members. And it's not hard to see why. ALEC makes their jobs troubling easy. Here's their model electricity freedom bill. Which at one point says, “Be it therefore enacted that the State of (insert state) repeals the renewable energy mandate." So as long as you can remember and spell the name of your state, you can introduce Legislation. I think it's fair to say that most of the people we've see seen so far tonight could probably do that. And some legislators don`t even bother hiding ALEC's finger prints. Just watch a Minnesota lawmaker get confronted by one of his colleagues.

(Queues footage of State Representative Joe Atkins, DFL Minnesota and Representative Steve Gottwalt, R Minnesota):

Joe Atkins: I'm just curious, does it it - does the Legislative have some connection to ALEC

Steve Gottwalt: Representative Atkins, I'm not sure why we're pursuing this course of questioning. This bill is my bill. It's not ALEC's bill.

Joe Atkins: Well, the reason I ask is because earlier you passed out an um, a handout that says "Got Walt" at the top. And it says health care compat and there's a logo right in the middle of that page. And I went to the ALEC website and there's exactly the same, the same font. Uh the same size and the same logo. I mean literally it's verbatim.

(Audience laughs)

John: Look, I hate to sound like Billy Baldwin’s agent, but you can't just copy everything ALEC does.

(Audience laughs and applauds)

John: It's pathetic.

(Audience continues to laugh and applaud)

John: At this point - at this point it's clear between the bad behavior and the lack of accountability, States are not so much the laboratories of democracy as the frat houses of democracy. And yet they get no attention. Perhaps that's because it's very hard for us to be angry with people whose names we don't know. And if you're thinking ok now I'll pay more attention before going to vote on Tuesday - that’s great! Unfortunately for many of you it's too late. Because an estimated of 25 percent of the candidates on Tuesday are running unopposed. Their sole political asset is that they exist. And they're going to win. So with that in mind - with that in mind, let's call some races. Because you know what? Even though polls don't close for another two days and most people haven't even started voting yet with zero percent of precincts reporting we can call some winners. So let's do it

(Audience applauds)

John: Let's do it. Remember the Florida dwarf tossing guy. His name is Ritch Workman. He's running unopposed. So he wins. Remember the lady in Oklahoma with the interesting theories on black prison population?

(Audience booos)

John: Winner. The Islam is a cancer guy. Winner. The alleged drunk driving road doll and condom their and his angry friend - Winner, winner - chicken dinner.

(Audience laughs and claps)

John: And this is just the beginning. Because we can call over a thousand races across America. He's a winner. She's a winner. All these people are winners! So congratulations to all of you for defeating the very concept of nothing. Congratulations one and all. We look forward to wielding a terrifying amount of influence for the next serial years.

(Audience applauds)

John: Save for the knowledge that no one will be paying any attention.