Dr. Jane Goodall Interview

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Narrator: Across the broad expanse of history there have been billions upon billions of idiots. As well as a handful of smart people we interviewed some of the later group for our ongoing series Great, Minds People Who Think Good. This week’s people who thinks good, Jane Goodall. In her twenties, Jane Goodall achieved her childhood dream, to live with and study the chimpanzees in Africa to whom she gave exotic names. “Hello Mike”. At this point she had no formal training or even an undergraduate degree but the discoveries of this daring young woman revolutionized our understanding of these primates starting with this bombshell: “A chimpanzee is actually modifying an actual object to suit it to a specific purpose thus making a tool." That’s right, chimps were making tools, albeit a crappy tool for a pretty disgusting purpose but she also found something else: “chimpanzees like humans have a dark side to their nature”. Yes Goodall was also the first to show that these peaceful vegetarians were actually meat eating assholes who frequently engaged in chimpy chimp on chimp chimpacide. After decades in the field Goodall now spends her time traveling the world to fight for a variety of causes, with occasional stops to speak with a not so smart person.

John Oliver: Dr. Jane Goodall thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me.

Dr. Jane Goodall: Well thank you for inviting me.

John Oliver: You are widely recognized as one of the great experts on chimpanzees. What makes them particularly so fascinating to you?

Dr. Jane Goodall: I think because they are so like us. And we now know biologically we share 98 plus percent of our DNA with them, blood system, the immune system, the structure of the brain its almost the same, just our brains is bigger. And then for me of course it’s the behavior. The fact that they have personalities, they have emotions like happiness, sadness, fear. They communicate with kissing embracing holding hands, patting one another on the back. Shaking the fist, they use tools.

John Oliver: Is that what makes them such great pets?

Dr. Jane Goodall: Pets… they’re the worse possible, they’re not pets I cant even say they’re bad pets because they’re not pets.

John Oliver: Well I mean they’re nice acquaintances, housebound friends.

Dr. Jane Goodall: They’re not and what happens? They’re very cute and cuddly when they’re little and what happens when they’re five six seven, and what happens when people have their face bitten off.

John Oliver: Don’t focus on that though, focus on the fact that when you dress them up they’re so funny.

Dr. Jane Goodall: No they’re not.

John Oliver: What about a chimpanzee butler?

Dr. Jane Goodall: No.

John Oliver: At what point in your time living amongst chimpanzees did you think about pulling out a little manacle and a top hat and a silver tray and training them to bring you a cold drink?

Dr. Jane Goodall: At no point did I think any such ridiculous thing.

John Oliver: Did you ever put a hat on them?

Dr. Jane Goodall: No.

John Oliver: You never put a hat on a chimpanzee?

Dr. Jane Goodall: No.

John Oliver: I refuse to believe that.

Dr. Jane Goodall: Then we shall disagree for the rest of our lives.

John Oliver: Ok fair enough lets talk a little about your methods. They were not without their initial criticisms for instance at what point of contention was that you gave your chimps nicknames. Why did people criticize that?

Dr. Jane Goodall: Well not nicknames, names. Just names.

John Oliver: Just an actual name.

Dr. Jane Goodall: To be scientific I should have given them numbers.

John Oliver: What’s the scientific argument for not giving them names?

Dr. Jane Goodall: Because its more objective so if you give them a name your treating them more like people.

John Oliver: I'm going to throw some names at you and I want you to say if you think they would be a good name for a chimp or a bad name for a chimp ready?

Dr. Jane Goodall: Mhmm.

John Oliver: Jessica Chimpson.

Dr. Jane Goodall: No.

John Oliver: Dr. Banana Peel, MD.

Dr. Jane Goodall: Too long.

John Oliver: Fair enough how about this it’s a little simpler, Poothrow Wilson?

Dr. Jane Goodall: It's ok.

John Oliver: Alright?

Dr. Jane Goodall: Yeah, that’s fine.

John Oliver: Ok that’s good so you th…

Dr. Jane Goodall: I'm going to have Poothrow somebody else

John Oliver: Where are you going there?

Dr. Jane Goodall: I'm going to have Poothrow at people I think need poo thrown at them.

John Oliver: Jane who do you think needs poo thrown at them?

Dr. Jane Goodall: Well I’ll give an example, I mean I'm going to pick somebody like Hitler because he’s gone.

John Oliver: Right.

Dr. Jane Goodall: Poothrow Hitler great.

John Oliver: Poothrow Hitler is an amazing name for a chimp

Dr. Jane Goodall: Isn’t it.

John Oliver: Now while you were living with them. You know the chimps had specific vocalizations can you tell me a little about that?

Dr. Jane Goodall: Well if I am eating something like you know and you want some and you come up to me...

John Oliver: Right.

Dr. Jane Goodall: You might beg, just like that but I don’t want to give you any so I, “grunting noise”

John Oliver: [attempts begging noise]

Dr. Jane Goodall: No, you don’t say that, you say [makes begging noise]

John Oliver: Jane [makes begging noise]

Dr. Jane Goodall: “grunting noise” I ain’t giving you any; I don’t like you.

John Oliver: Let's take it down a notch. Dr. Jane Goodall thank you so much for taking time out.

Dr. Jane Goodall: Thank you.

John Oliver: You're more than welcome.

Dr. Jane Goodall: I should do it chimp ways.