Home Depot Commercial

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John: With the biggest retail season of the year nearly upon us, one major retailer unveiled a huge innovation this week.

(Queues news footage from Fox Five News Live): Lowes is testing out Robotic shopping assistants at one of its smaller hardware stores.

Robotic Shopping Assistant: Hello. I am Oshbot. The Orchard store robot helper. What are you looking for today?

Male Customer: Where can I find more of these?

Robotic Shopping Assistant: Is this the item you are looking for?

Male Customer: Yes

Robotic Shopping Assistant: I'll take you.

(Audience laughs)

John: Yes, Lowes is introducing Robot Sales Assistants to one of their stores. Which might seem like a good idea but brace yourself Lowes 'cause you may be about to get a lot of sexual harassment lawsuits from your refrigerators.

(Audience laughs)

John: Although, going by their promotional video, at least someone seems to be a fan.

(Queues promotional video)

Male Customer: I actually really liked it and we could be considered friends.

(Audience laughs)

John: Ok. Stop it, stop, stop, stop - Stop it. Because the sentence, "The Customer Service Robot at Lowes is my friend," maybe the single saddest sentiment every spoken out loud.

(Audience laughs)

John: Robot assistants are a terrible idea. And here's why. Sales associates at home improvement stores are not there to help people find things. They're there to stop couples from tearing each other apart.

(Audience laughs)

John: If you really want to test your marriage, go buy home supplies together. Because Lowes is like a swingers party or a couples brunch. No one is leaving on speaking terms.

(Audience laughs)

John: And the worst thing is, Lowes knows this. Look at their own ads.

(Queues Lowe’s ad)

Husband: We went to Lowe’s just for some light bulbs

Wife: (Chuckles) and we got distracted. I got distracted.

Husband: We got a little bit distracted.

Lowes Employee: They were looking at light bulbs. But I had a feeling they were interested in some things for the patio. Can I help you with something for the patio?

Husband: No

Wife: Yes

Husband: Yes.

Lowes Employee: That means yes.

(Audience laughs)

John: Nicely done. Lowe's Employee. You sense that an explosive argument was coming and you diffused it with an emotional anesthetic of patio furniture.

(Audience laughs)

John: Robots can't do that. They don't realize that home improvement stores are a lethal combination of everything that can ruin a relationship. Spending money, reconciling tastes, long term planning and florescent lighting.

(Audience laughs)

John: In fact, if I was Home Depot and I heard that Lowe's were replacing humans with robots this is the ad that I would be running.

(Queues ad)
Doug: At Home Depot, we value the personal touch. Sure Lowe's may have robots but we know there are some things...

(Audience applauds)

Doug: Machines can't do.

Husband: We came to Home Depot to renovate our kitchen and things got a little heated.

Wife: He had his heart set on this copper sink.

Husband: Guilty.

Wife: (giggles)

Doug: They started bickering but I had a feeling it wasn't about the copper sink. It never is about the copper sink.

Husband: Why you fighting me on this? It, it has a ten year warranty?

Wife: Oh uh, I'm sorry. Are we going to be in this house for ten more years?

Husband: Well, where else we are going to go?

Wife: In a house big enough for the second child promised me we were going to have.

Husband: Oh my God.

Doug: Hey, if I can just but in here there is a lot to be said for a hammered finish copper sink. It adds a lot of warmth to any room and copper is naturally easy to maintain. Plus, it is just a sink.

Husband: It is just a sink...

Wife: It's just a sink.

Husband: Yeah.

Doug: You guys like Glade Plugins?

Wife: Ooooo

Doug: Check this out.

Husband: Doug was great. He gave us advice right when we needed it.

Wife: Specifically right before one of us said something we could never take back.

Doug: (winks)

Husband: Hey, this eucalyptus is nice. Momma would love it.

Wife: Why does it matter what plants your mother would like.

Husband: For when she moves in with us.

Wife: No - I am not having this discussion again!

Doug: Oh, boy

Husband: I told you again, again I'm not putting her in a home - EVER! She raised me.

Wife: Yeah, you and dead beat brother.

Husband: That's your argument every time? You bring up Devlin? He's trying. It's hard to get a job when they have to do background checks.

Doug: You should stick with the Boston fern on this one. The eucalyptus is for koalas and pessimists. (Laughs)

(Husband and Wife both laugh)

Doug: Now if you want I can show you some of our selection of floor plants

Wife: YEAHH!

Husband: Yes

Wife: For sure! He talked to us about floor plants for five solid minutes until both of us forgot what we’re fighting about.

Doug: That's what we do here.

Husband: Hey. I really like this bamboo floor.

Wife: Of course you do. He loves everything Asian. Especially the girls he looks at on his PORN.

Husband: Excuse me?

Wife: Clear your history, Ben. You’re not the only one who uses IPAD mini. That's someone’s daughter. What if our daughter were Asian?

Husband: How would our daughter be Asian?

(Audience laughs and claps)

Wife: Well we could adopt. If you weren't so selfish.

Husband: Ok, so if you are asking me if I want to **** my hypothetical Asian daughter.

Wife: Yeah

Husband: The answer is no. Home Depot, I don't want to f*** my Asian daughter.

Wife: My HERO!!!

Doug: Guys, guys - forget about the bamboo. Sure it's good with the humidity but wood flooring is barely better than a carpet when it comes to a bathroom. Let me show you some ceramic tiles I think you both agree on.

Husband: Yeah

Wife: Great

Husband: Yeah let's do it. Doug was great and the bathroom is beautiful.

Wife: So you don't wish we gotten that copper sink?

Husband: Not as much as I wish that you hadn't given a hand job to my best man on our wedding day.

Wife: For the last time, we were not married.

Husband: Is that the only one? How many hand jobs did you give out that day?

Wife: I don't know. Let's count them out.

Husband: Right, ok great let's do it.

Wife: FINE!!!

Husband: Two, three.

Wife: Maybe

Husband: Who else?

Wife: Who remembers?

Doug: Hey, let’s, let’s take a look at some paint swatches and think about freshening up that kitchen.

Wife: Great.

Husband: Yeah.

Doug: What if you take a spring grass, lay it right in here on tournament field?

Wife: Oh wow that looks great together!

Husband: I'm good with that.

Doug: Let's talk back splash.

(Husband and Wife laugh)

(Audience laughs and applauds)