Starvin’ Marvin

[Cartman's House. The boys are watching television and laughing]

STAN: That was awesome!

KYLE: Yeah!

LIANE: Would you boys like some Cheesy Poofs?

CARTMAN: Get out of the way mah! The Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special is on.

LIANE: Sure hon.

CARTMAN: And yeah, we want Cheesy Poofs!

PHILLIP: [they have just landed] Hey Terrance! Looks like this might be a good place to start a new colony.

TERRANCE: It sure does Phillip. No one will oppress our religion here. [Farts]

PHILLIP: AAAAAH! [Laughter. The boys got their Cheesy Poofs] Aaah! You stained my pilgrim hat butt-pipe!

CARTMAN: Did you guys see that? That was sweet.

TV ANNOUNCER: Coming up next on the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special, Phillip farts on Terrance, and laughs.

KYLE: Oh, cool.

TV ANNOUNCER: And now a word from our sponsor.

SALLY STRUTHERS: Here in the heart of Africa children are dying. Not from disease or war, but from hunger. I'm Sally Struthers. These children are in desperate need, and only you can help.

STAN: Hey, who's that fat chick?

KYLE: Sally Struthers, dude. She used to be on Full House.

STAN: Oh.

SALLY STRUTHERS: You see, here, in the middle of Africa, food is extremely scarce.

STAN: Doesn't look like she's having any trouble finding food.

KYLE: Yeah, she's fatter than Cartman.

CARTMAN: Yeah, HEY!

SALLY STRUTHERS: For just five dollars a month you can sponsor a child.

CARTMAN: That's stupid, who the hell would want to do that?

SALLY STRUTHERS: Sponsor now and we'll also send you this Teiko digital sports watch as a free gift.

CARTMAN: KICK ASS!!

STAN: SWEET!

KENNY: (Woohoo!)

STAN: I'll call. I know my mom's credit card number. [dials up]

KYLE: Did they say if it's waterproof?

STAN: Hello? Is this Sally Struthers? [listens for the answer] Oh.

KYLE: What did she say?

STAN: Shut up butt-pirate, I'm trying to hear.

KYLE: Ass-raper.

STAN: Yeah? Yeah. We want to adopt a starving Ethernopian.

CARTMAN: When do we get the sports watch?

STAN: Just a second fat-ass!

CARTMAN: You vas-deferens!

STAN: Hello? No, no, it's a ma- Vas-deferens?

KENNY: (Dude, it's a pipe for your peepee)

STAN: Oh.

KYLE: Ask her if we get the watch right away.

STAN: Do we get the sports watch right away? [Pause] She says we do.

All: Cool.

CARTMAN: I get to wear it first, you guys.

[Mr. Garrison's Classroom]

KYLE: I can't wait to get out of school and get our Teiko sports watch.

CARTMAN: Yeah, but I get to wear it first, I said.

MR. GARRISON: Children, children! To honor this special time of year we'll be doing a canned food drive. Does anybody know what a canned food drive is? [Cartman raises his hand.] Yes, Eric?

CARTMAN: When they cut up a chick's stomach to get a baby out?

MR. GARRISON: Noo, that's a Caesarian Section Eric, but that's okay, remember, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people. [Eric listens] A canned food drive is when we collect canned food for poor people who can't afford to eat on Thanksgiving.

STAN: You mean, like Kenny?

MR. GARRISON: Exactly.

CARTMAN: Mr. Garrison? Why do poor people always smell like sour milk?

MR. GARRISON: [Impatiently] I don't know Eric, they just do. [Kyle sniffs at Kenny. Kenny withdraws.] Now children, I want each of you to bring in one can of food. And later, the mayor of South Park will divide it up amongst Kenny's family and other poor people.

CARTMAN: I'm not bringin' in food for poor people, Screw them!
WENDY: Don't you want to help those who are less fortunate?!

CARTMAN: Hey you guys, do you hear something?! Ah- I think I hear the flower children calling!

WENDY: This is the one time of year you're supposed to care about people who can't eat!

CARTMAN: Isn't it enough that I pay taxes?! What about the poor houses that, that I pay for?!

WENDY: Many would rather die than go to those places!

CARTMAN: Well then, perhaps they should, and decrease the surplus population!

MR. GARRISON: Okay kids, that's enough Dickens for one day. Let's get on with our lesson, right Mr. Hat?

MR. HAT: That's right, Mr. Garrison, Englebert Humperdink was the first person on the moon, who was the second?

[A pack of wild turkeys burst into the classroom.]

CLYDE: Aaaah!

MR. GARRISON: [climbs atop his desk] What the hell is going on?!

[The turkeys are tearing up the classroom. One of them rips up a Thanksgiving poster and takes it with him]

CLYDE: Aaaah!

[A turkey overturns Clyde's desk, dumping Clyde on the ground. Some others vandalize the blackboard. Just as suddenly as they entered, the turkeys exit, closing the door behind them. Silence ensues]

MR. GARRISON: Well, you don't see that everyday.

[City Hall]

THE MAYOR: Okay. Now, once we have all the canned foods collected we'll need some clever way to distribute them to the poor.

AIDE 2: It should be something festive.

MEPHESTO: [bursting into the office with Kevin] Mayor, we've got a very big problem.

THE MAYOR: Ahh, you're that insane genetic engineer from up on the hill, right?

MEPHESTO: Yes, and I may have made a horrible mistake. I was trying to genetically engineer turkeys for Thanksgiving.

THE MAYOR: [warily] Uh huh.

MEPHESTO: You know, to provide food for the needy.

THE MAYOR: [Sarcastically] Of course. [aide 1 glances at her]

MEPHESTO: Well, something went wrong and the turkeys broke free. And the worst part is, they're REALLY pissed off.

THE MAYOR: [twirls her chair around and twirls her finger 'round her ear] Naturally. [Her aides snicker, then she turns again] Oh, do go on.

MEPHESTO: We have to stop them or, or they could destroy everything. Time is short.

[The mayor turns around and pulls out a cuckoo clock, which chimes a couple of times. Her aides snicker. Aide 2 has his ears wiggling. She puts the clock away and the aide stops his ears]

THE MAYOR: [facing Mephesto again] You were saying?

MEPHESTO: They act just like normal turkeys, except they're evil.

THE MAYOR: [With feigned shock] Oh, my! [turns around and pulls out a donkey, which heehaws a couple of times. Her aides chuckle]

MEPHESTO: [having observed how the mayor was reacting to him] Somehow I don't think you're taking me seriously.

THE MAYOR: Uh now why would you say that?

[Cartman's house. The kids burst through the front door.]

EVERYBODY: Did it come? Did it come? Is it here yet?

CARTMAN: I get to use it first you guys! Mom, did our digital sports watch come yet?

LIANE: [peeks] Not yet hon.

STAN: Damn.

KYLE: Hey, look you guys.

TV ANNOUNCER: And now, back to Part 2 of the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special [they are in a snowed-in town].

TERRANCE: I sure am cold, Phillip.

PHILLIP: Yes, and hungry too. Being a pilgrim totally sucks ass.

TERRANCE: Gosh, I hope we don't starve.

PHILLIP: [farts a high one and Terrance laughs] Ah, a squeaker!

[The boys laugh and then the doorbell rings, and a couple of knocks follow. The boys stand stiff not knowing what to do until...]

KYLE: [bolts] The digital sports watch is here.

[The kids open the door smiling in anticipation. An emaciated Ethiopian kid stands looking back at them, with baggage in hand. Their smiles turn into surprises. The postal truck takes off.]

CARTMAN: What the hell?

STAN: Dude, that's not a digital sports watch.

KYLE: Hey, it looks like one of those Etheropians.

STAN: Oh man, they must have accidentally sent him instead of the sports watch.

KYLE: Maybe they took it literally when we said we wanted to adopt a kid. [The Ethiopian 'speaks' and clicks something.] Whoa! That was cool.

STAN: Yeah, how did he make those clicking sounds?

KYLE: What's your name dude?

Kid: [The Ethiopian clicks something.] Mabin.

STAN: I think he said his name is Marvin.

CARTMAN: Yeah, Starvin' Marvin.

KYLE: [steps out with Stan and shakes Marvin's hand] Nice to meet you Starvin' Marvin.

CARTMAN: Hey mooom?

LIANE: Yes hon?

CARTMAN: We found a Etheropian, can we keep him?

LIANE: Sure, hon.

CARTMAN: Sweet. [steps outside with Kenny]

STAN: Dude, let's bring him to school tomorrow.

KYLE: Come on Starvin' Marvin, I want you to meet my little brother.

CARTMAN: No no! He's my son! I adopted him.

STAN: It was my mom's credit card.

KYLE: Okay, okay, wewe'll switch off. Starvin' Marvin can stay here for a week, then at Stan's, then with me.

CARTMAN: Yeah, and never with Kenny, because his family is too poor.

KYLE: Totally. [Kenny slugs Cartman.]

CARTMAN: Ahh!

[Stark's Pond. A couple is walking near the pond. Romantic music is playing.]

WOMAN: Look how the leaves fall so delicately on the surface of the pond. It's so beautiful.

MAN: Not as beautiful as you.

WOMAN: [swooning] Ooooh. [The couple embraces and kisses as a horde of turkeys storm the pond. The guy hears them and looks over her shoulder]

MAN: Oh darling, look. Thanksgiving turkeys.

WOMAN: Oohh, they're so beautiful.

MAN: Not as beautiful as you.

WOMAN: Look at the way they foam at the mouth, like beautiful suds of beer.

MAN: Not as beautiful as- [The turkeys attack the couple, stripping their clothes off. Screams are heard as the turkeys overwhelm the couple]

[King Jimmy's All You Can Eat Buffet. The price is right. The boys and their families are there with Marvin]

STAN: This is a great way for you to experience America Starvin' Marvin. This is what we call an 'all you can eat buffet.'

CARTMAN: Yeah. Here you get to eat all you want for only $6.99. That's why we all come here on Tuesday nights, except for Kenny's family 'cause to them $6.99 is two-years income. [The crowd laughs] Why is your family poor Starvin' Marvin? Is your dad an alcoholic too? [A waiter places a plate of shrimp in front of Cartman.] You see Starvin' Marvin, these are what we call appetizers.

MARVIN: Ap-ee-tizer.

CARTMAN: This is what you eat before you eat, to make you more hungry. [A waiter approaches with plates of ham, turkey, and drumsticks.] Welp, food is here, that's it for the appetizers. [He tosses the plate of shrimp into a trash can. The shrimp don't make it in. He, Liane, and Stan work on the drumsticks, Randy slices into the turkey, and Kyle is slicing some ham for himself (!). Marvin reaches for a pot-pie on Cartman's plate.]

CARTMAN: No Starvin' Marvin, that's my pot-pie.

STAN: Cartman, you butt-pipe, this is the time of year you're supposed to share.

CARTMAN: Oh yeah, you're right. [eyes a slice of pie sitting before Marvin.] Are you gonna eat all of your peach cobbler? No, you don't want all that, why don't you share it with me, man? [heading to a whisper] Just slide that right on over here. Let me just have some of that here...

[Mr. Garrison's Classroom]

MR. GARRISON: Children, children! I'm a little disappointed in your Thanksgiving spirit. Only a few cans have been donated to our canned food drive. [reaches into the box of canned goods] And can't we do a little better than ... Creamed Corn ... uh ... Creamed Corn ... and ... Creamed Corn? [The class stares back blankly.] Please bring in more diverse food children or else Kenny's family is going to have a pretty corny Thanksgiving. [Silence. Mr. Garrison begins laughing.] Corny...Gravy...Corny Thanksgiving, hoo. Hahhaa. Anyway children, I understand a few of you have brought in something special for show-and-tell.

STAN: Yeah, yeah, we do!

CARTMAN: Yeah, that's right.

KYLE: We do!

MR. GARRISON: All right boys, show us what you've brought. [The boys walk to the front of the class with Marvin.]

KYLE: This is our new Ethernopian, Starvin' Marvin. [Marvin looks inside the food box]

STAN: He can do really cool stuff with his voice. Show 'em Starvin' Marvin. [Marvin pulls out a can of food]

CARTMAN: [putting the can back] No, Starvin' Marvin, that's Kenny's creamed corn. [Marvin takes it back out] No Starvin' Marvin, that's a bad Starvin' Marvin!

MR. GARRISON: Boys, what the hell are you doing?! This is horribly, horribly wrong. How did you get this child?

STAN: He was accidentally delivered to us instead of a sports watch.

MR. GARRISON: The sports watch from the commercial?

KYLE: Yeah, that one.

BEBE: I want a Starvin' Marvin.

CLYDE: Me too.

PIP: Yes, I'll pay fifty dollars for one.

CLASS: Yeah, I want one too, yeah me, me.

MR. GARRISON: Boys, you're too young to take care of a child! I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the Red Cross and have him returned.

KYLE: Ah, I told you we shouldn't have brought him to school dude.

[Principal Victoria's Office]

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Okay, thank you very much. Yes, you can pick him up tonight. Bye now. [hangs up the phone and addresses the boys.] Now boys, I hope you've learned your lesson.

STAN: No.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: You can't care for this child!

KYLE: But I thought we were supposed to care on Thanksgiving.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Yes, but you don't actually get involved with the child's life. You're supposed to just send money, and once in a while they write you a letter. You see, Marvin didn't grow up in a normal place like South Park.

STAN: So why can't he live here now?

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Because he can't!

KYLE: Because why?

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: Because eight-year olds can't be parents!

KYLE: Then you take care of him.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA: [on the spot] I can't, I, umm...I'm very busy. [Silence] I send my five dollars a month, see? [demonstrating her Teiko watch.]

STAN: This sucks, Starvin' Marvin is our friend.

CARTMAN: Oh well, back to the poor country with you.

KYLE: You better watch what you say Cartman! You might be poor and hungry some day.

CARTMAN: B-huh, huh. Yeah, right.

[Genetic Engineering Ranch]

MEPHESTO: I knew that you were the only person who would listen to me Chef.

CHEF: Yeah, well, let's get it over with. This place gives me the booboojeebees.

MEPHESTO: Look here in my microscope; tell me what you see.

CHEF: Uhh, I seee...an extreme close up of ...Vanessa Redgrave's private parts.

MEPHESTO: Oh, whoops. [quickly switches slides] Now tell me what you see.

CHEF: Well, I'm no biologist, but I'd say it looks like turkey DNA.

MEPHESTO: Precisely, but look how rapidly it's dividing.

CHEF: What does it mean?

MEPHESTO: Means the turkeys are growing at an exponential rate. If we don't destroy them all, they'll take over the town. Maybe the world.

CHEF: Oh, fudge! [ponders for a moment] Uhh, let me see that Vanessa Redgrave thing again.

MEPHESTO: Sure. [switches slides again.]

[Cartman's house. Marvin is sitting alone on the couch watching TV. Secret service agents enter the house. Outside, a helicopter flies around with its searchlight on]

AGENT 1: Hello there little boy, we're looking for a starving African child who was accidentally sent here instead of a Teiko sports watch.

[Marvin points towards Cartman's room. The agents go forth]

CARTMAN: Hey, hey, what's going on?! [The agents have him in a duffle bag and are dragging him out of the house.] Hey, let go of me! God-! Ey! I'll kick you in the nuts. D'you hear me?!
AGENT 1: [returning to Marvin] Here's your sports watch son, sorry for the mix-up.

CARTMAN: Hey! Hey seriously! Hey, you're pissing me off, Starvin' Marvin! [a truck door closes]

MARVIN: Sweet.

[Outside the Library]

THE MAYOR: So how does this thing work?

AIDE: Well mayor, it's based on the cash grab, but instead of money, the cans of food are blown around inside the capsule. The POV inside catches as many as he can to feed his family.

THE MAYOR: POVVVV?

AIDE: Poverty stricken citizen.

THE MAYOR: Ohhoho, brilliant. [A horde of turkeys rush the square and attack a fake turkey and a Pilgrim hat] Daah!! What the hell is this!! [the turkeys go through the crowd attacking people]

AIDE: I don't know mayor, I don't think it's listed on the program.

MEPHESTO: [joining them] They're increasing in number mayor. These are the vicious turkeys I warned you about.

CHEF: It's a, Ih-ihit's true mayor! Those turkeys just ripped apart my cafeteria! [a platoon of turkeys march by] Whooa! You won't get away with this, you bastards!

KYLE: Wow! Those are some pissed off turkeys!

THE MAYOR: [alarmed, she steps up to the mike] OKAY PEOPLE, DON'T PANIC! BRING OUT THE DEFENSE SQUAD! [Jimbo and Ned enter the scene, armed with rifles. They start firing away, and turkeys go down left and right]

MEPHESTO: We need more than that! They'll only come back in increased numbers!

[Cartman's House. Marvin is taking up Cartman's habits. On TV, Terrance and Phillip are reenacting the first Thanksgiving]

TERRANCE: Hey Phillip, could you pass the beans?

PHILLIP: Beans? Uh oh, looks like we'll be at war with these Indians soon.

TERRANCE: [attempting to squeeze one off] Huh, eh, [Phillip offers to help] wait wait wait. [tries some more] Eh, eh. [And some more] Here it comes, ehhhh. [A long squeeky fart bursts forth] Daaaah, I crapped in my pants!

PHILLIP: Aaaah. [Laughter] I think you got some spatter on Chief Running Wolf. [Laughter]

TERRANCE: I spattered his face! [Laughter]

PHILLIP: Now he's a smelly Indian. [Laughter]

TV ANNOUNCER: We'll be back to part 14 of the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special, right after this.

SALLY STRUTHERS: Hunger is an enemy that we all must fight. These children desperately need your support.

CARTMAN: [walking around in the background] Hey, somebody get me out of here! This sucks!

SALLY STRUTHERS: So please, call and adopt a child today.

CARTMAN: I'm seriously getting pissed off over here!!

LIANE: You want some more Cheesy Poofs hon?

MARVIN: Yeah, I want da Cheesy Poof.

LIANE: Okay.

MARVIN: Sweet.

[Ethiopian Desert. A vulture is flying overhead, awaiting its next meal to die].

CARTMAN: Eh, This is serious bullshit! There has to be a Happy Burger around here somewhere. [approaches a group of Ethiopians.] Excuse me, I am a lost little boy, could you help me? [They stare back blankly.] Well, screw you too! [suddenly in a swarm of flies] What the?! Who the hell let all these flies in here?! Hasn't anybody ever heard of insect repellent?! [walks away]

[The Library. The B and second R have slipped a bit]

THE MAYOR: All right everyone, it's time to give out canned food to the poor, haa. [The crowd cheers.]

STAN: Hey, where's Cartman?

KYLE: I don't know. Do you know where he is, Marvin? [Marvin shrugs]

THE MAYOR: Looks like we have the turkey problem under control. It's time to embrace the spirit of giving with the canned food grab. [The crowd cheers.] Come on, hurry up.

[Kenny enters the Grab-O-Lux]

MRS. McCORMICK: Grab a lot son.

THE MAYOR: Have a happy Thanksgiving! Let 'er rip! [Air is pumped in to raise the cans, but Kenny goes up as well and floats around. Status indicator flash on and off] Cuhome on, grab those cans little boy!

STAN, KYLE: Come on, Kenny!

STUART: [waving his beer bottle] Come on, son!

THE MAYOR: Now, let's see all the goodies you're going to take home to your family. [She switches off the Grab-o-lux with the remote control, and Kenny and the cans drop to the floor. He gets up and exits] It...looks like he got a... a-a can of- string beans. Hehe.

[The crowd cheers, but the sound of turkeys fills the air]

CHEF: What the-?!

STAN: Dude, the mutant turkeys are back! [they charge over a hill]

OFFICER BARBRADY: Okay people, move along, nothing to see here you looky-loos.

MEPHESTO: I tried to tell you, but you didn't listen.

CHEF: [comes up and addresses the crowd] Gather around everybody, and listen good. Go to your homes and arm your... [Chef looks down at Mephesto's companion. The turkeys continue their attack.] What the hell are you supposed to be anyway?

MEPHESTO: That's not important right now.

CHEF: No! What the hell is this little thing supposed to be? It doesn't look like anything.

THE MAYOR: Chef, the turkeys!

CHEF: Oh, All right. Listen up everybody, and listen good. Go to your homes and arm yourselves with whatever you can. We'll meet back here in fifteen minutes. Hurry! [The turkeys continue their attack.] We are not going to let our Thanksgiving be ruined by a bunch of turkeys.

[Ethiopian Desert. Cartman walks slowly]

CARTMAN: Damn, you guys, seriously, I'm hungry. I have to eat. [sees a Red Cross van is in the distance. Ethiopians gather round it] Ah, sweet! The Red Cross! [approaches the van.] I'll have fried chicken and a side of mashed potatoes please.

RED CROSS DUDE: Sorry kid, but we're out of food. We ran out of funding. [the female partner is putting some things away]

CARTMAN: What?!

RED CROSS DUDE: We just couldn't get enough sponsors back home, so now we've got to pack it up.

CARTMAN: But I'm not a starving Etheropian! I have to get back home too!

RED CROSS DUDE: [now behind the van, ready to leave] Sorry dude, we just don't have any funds. Here, have a Teiko sports watch.

[He tosses Cartman a watch and hops into the van. The van drives off.]

CARTMAN: WEEEEEEAK!!!

[In the woods near South Park. The screen is reduced to a wide screen format, so you know a movie reference is coming. The town is assembled for battle as the Mayor speaks]

THE MAYOR: People, we all have to do our part against the evil turkeys.

TOWNSPERSON 1: There's too many of them.

THE MAYOR: Come on! Where is that Thanksgiving spirit?!

TOWNSPERSON 2: We can't stop them.

[Chef rides up on a brown steed. His face is painted blue and white. He is wearing Scottish garb, wielding a sword and shield à la Braveheart.]

CHEF: Today, you fight for your city! You fight for your honor! These turkeys will continue to push until they have taken everything from us! These fudged up turkeys from the the crustaceous era can take our lives, but they can never take...our FREEDOM!!!

CROWD: [now pumped for battle] Wooo, yeahhh, woo.

[On a nearby hill the pack of turkeys is gathered together. One turkey is also painted in blue and white.]
LEADER TURKEY: Gobble, gobble. Gobble gobble. Gob, gobble. Gob, gob, gob, Gobble!!

[The other turkeys gobble like mad, then sally forth. The town residents stand ready for battle as the turkeys descend into the valley]

KYLE: Here you go turkeys! [moons the turkey forces]

[The town force descends. The mayor and an aide stay behind]

THE MAYOR: Does my hair look okay?

[Ethiopian Desert. The vulture still circles...]

CARTMAN: Can't go on... need... appetizer... eh... [looks up to the sky for relief] I'm sorry, God, I'm sorry I mocked poor people. I'm sorry I wasn't more sensitive. Please, Please God, uhh. [falls forward to the ground. After a few seconds he lifts his head] Heh, my god has forsaken me. Eh, err. [sees something. A lone building stands in the distance. Cartman approaches. A sign reads, "No Admittance"] Huh, I wonder what's in here? [opens the door and faces towers of Cheesy Poofs, Snacky Cakes, Boogie Bars and Veal Roll-Ups. "Alleluyah" is playing. Cartman stands in awe, then is overjoyed] SNACKY CAKES!! MMMM! [rubs up against them lovingly. He sees a large-screen TV and a potted plant, and walks towards them. He then looks to his right and sees Sally Struthers feasting on some cake and two Ethiopians fanning her with palm fronds. She sees him and stops eating. Cartman is mad] Sally Struthers?!

SALLY STRUTHERS: Who the hell are you?!

CARTMAN: Gimme that cake!

SALLY STRUTHERS: Nooho, this is my cake!

CARTMAN: No Sally Struthers, you gimme that cake!

SALLY STRUTHERS: NOO! You can't have any!

CARTMAN: No Sally Struthers, that's my cake eh-ehhhh! [after some more whining he opens the door and sees some Ethiopians passing by] You guys, Sally Struthers is holding food from us!!! [they turn to see him]

SALLY STRUTHERS: Uh oh. [She just can't eat that cake fast enough]

[South Park Forest. The battle continues. The turkeys fight valiently, but many are falling. Ike beheads a turkey. Marvin looks on and scratches his head.]

CHEF: Stay close children. [his shield blocks one turkey as he slays another.]

STAN, KYLE, KENNY: Yeaaa!

KENNY: [Turkeys rush him] (O Oh) [One turkey manages to extract Kenny's eyeball as the others kill him outright. They speed away with pieces of him]

STAN: Oh my god, they've killed Kenny!

KYLE: You bastards!

JIMBO: The last three are getting away, shoot 'em Ned. [Ned picks off the remaining three birds.]

STAN: We did it!! [as the town celebrates, some townsfolk are still beating on the birds, one of them with a large mallet]

MEPHESTO: My God, what have we done?

CHEF: We've saved Thanksgiving!

MEPHESTO: But all those poor turkeys, theh- they're all dead.

CHEF: Every turkey dies, not every turkey truly lives.

MEPHESTO: As horrible as they were theh- they felt like a part of me. Perhaps I shouldn't be toying with God's creations, perhaps I should-

CHEF: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Two secret service agents approach Chef and Barbrady, ignoring the carnage.]

Agent 2: Excuse me sir, we're looking for a little starving Ethiopian boy who was accidentally delivered to South Park instead of a Teiko sports watch.

AGENT 1: [showing a picture of Marvin] Have you seen anyone fitting this description.

OFFICER BARBRADY: Oh, that could be a hundred kids in this town mister.

[Marvin approaches the two agents.]

AGENT 1: There you are. Are you ready to go home now?

[Marvin looks at Mr. Garrison, then at Chef, then at Officer Barbrady. He quickly shakes an affirmative. The agents lead him away, but he turns back to get some turkeys. Stan and Kyle look on as Kenny's corpse lies motionless behind them]

STAN: Wow, it sucks he has to leave.

KYLE: Yeah, I like him a lot more than Cartman.

STAN: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people. [Kenny's head moves] But they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials, but, people on TV are just as real as you or I.

KYLE: Yeah. [A rat moves in and out of Kenny's empty eye socket, then scurries away.] And that means that McGyver is a real person too.

[Ethiopian Desert. Three Red Cross workers are present]

RED CROSS CHICK: We're terribly sorry about the mix-up little boy. We'll get you back home immediately.

CARTMAN: That's right you will, God-Damnit. [a male agent checks his watch] Move it POVs, I'm an American!

[A plane lands. Marvin exits the plane.]

ETHIOPIAN: A baba, gluck gluck bababab ga.

MARVIN: Baba gook gook ba.

[The cargo door lowers in back of the plane and a bunch of dead turkeys fall out. The Ethiopians grab the turkeys and raise Marvin on their shoulders in triumph. They march away, passing by a spit on which Sally Struthers has been tied, with an apple in her mouth.]

SALLY STRUTHERS: (What are you doing? Let me off of here!)

[Kenny's House]

STUART: Lord, on this day of thanks, we would like to extend our deepest gratitude for this incredible bounty of green beans you have bestowed upon us. And though for some reason you found it necessary to take our son from us [an older brother is seated at table], and though you for some reason find pleasure in watching us suffer, still, we give thanks. Amen.

MRS. McCORMICK: Amen. [takes a brief look around] Does anybody have a can opener?

STUART: God Damn-it.