Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride

[Bus Stop]
Kyle: Hey, where's the school bus? We're gonna be late for football practice. [a dog walks up to the boys]

Stan: Hiya, Sparky.

Kyle: [looking] Who's that?

Stan: That's my new dog Sparky. He followed me to the bus stop.

Kyle: Wow! Cool!

Stan: Good dog, Sparky. Who's my best buddy? Who's the boy? Who's the buddy?

Cartman: Eh. You're making me sick, dude.

Stan: He's part Doberman and part wolf. He's the toughest dog on the mountain.

Cartman: No way. Everybody knows that Sylvester is the toughest dog in South Park.

Sylvester: Arrrrrr

Stan: He's not meaner than Sparky.

Cartman: Oh yeah, let's see. Hey, Sylvester. [he comes over]

Stan: Sparky'll kick his ass.

Cartman: I'll put a dollar on Sylvester.

Kyle: You're on, dude. [Sylvester starts after Sparky. Both dogs growl]

Stan: That's it, Sparky! Kick his ass! [Sparky lunges after Sylvester and out of view. Aggressive panting can be heard. The boys stand there, shocked]

Cartman: Heh, he's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass.

Stan: Sparky, bad dog!

Kenny: (Oh my God, I think they're screwing.)

Stan: What?!

Cartman: Yeah dude, I think your dog is gay.

Stan: What do you mean?

Cartman: That dog is a gay homosexual.

Stan: [looks back to study the situation, then...] He's just confused.

Kyle: I think the other dog's the one that's confused.

Kenny: (No, check his penis) [Kyle smiles]

Stan: Sick, shut up dude. [Sparky pants happily while Sylvester slinks away]

Cartman: Stan's dog's a homo. Stan's dog's a homo. [the bus pulls up]

[Football Field, sideline]
Chef: Okay children, I know that you're all extremely excited and nervous and anxious about the homecoming game against the Middle Park.

Kyle: Who's Middle Park?

Cartman: What's homecoming?

Chef: But just remember what I taught you. That football is like making love to a reeeeeally beautiful woman. You can't always score, but when you do, it makes all the trying worthwhile. [Silence] Now, let's start practice. [blows his whistle, and the kids hit the field]

Pip: Uh, Mr. Chef sir?

Chef: Yes Pip, what is it?

Pip: Well, I still don't have a helmet.

Chef: I know Pip, the school can't afford helmets for everybody.

Pip: Yes, but, couldn't we rotate who doesn't have a helmet every week? Does it always have to be me?

Chef: Yes Pip, I'm afraid it does.

Pip: Oh.

Chef: Sorry son, now get your ass in there.

[On the playing field]
Stan: Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut--hut. hut. hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut.

Chef: [impatiently] Hike the damn ball! [Cartman hikes the ball over Stan's head. Stan chases it down. Kyle runs into Pip, opening a major gash on Pip's head.]

Pip: Aaaaaaaargh!

Jimbo: [arriving with Ned] Hey, how's practice coming there Chef?

Chef: [distracted] Huh? Oh fine, fine.

Jimbo: I don't have to remind you just how important this game is to us South Park Alumni.

Chef: Elementary school alumni?

Jimbo: That's as far as most of us got. You think we have a shot at beating the spread against Middle Park this year?

Chef: I don't know. Wha- what's the spread?

Jimbo: Middle Park by 70 points.

Chef: Hmmm. [looks towards the field, where Kenny tackles Cartman, causing him to drop the ball] I don't think we have a chance.

Jimbo: Nonsense! Not with my nephew at quarterback. Right Stanley?

Stan: [turning to see his uncle just as Cartman hikes] Huh? [the ball hits him on the side of the head. He picks it up and throws to Kyle]

Jimbo: Thatta boy.

Chef: Great pass Stan.

Jimbo: Come on Ned, we gotta get our asses to the bookie.

[On sideline after practice]
Chef: Okay. That was a good practice children. We'll see you here again tomorrow.

Kyle: Hey Stan, isn't that your dog?

Stan: Yeah, he must have followed me to football practice. You see, he is smart.

Clyde: Ah, my dog Rex follows me to football practice all the time.

Stan: Yeah, but my dog found his own way here. That makes him smarter than your- [Sees Sparky lunge after Rex] Sparky, get down!

Clyde: Oh my God! What is he doing to my dog?

Cartman: There he goes again.

Stan: Get down Sparky! Down!

Cartman: Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay homosexual.

Clyde: Make him stop!

Rex: [moving away with his tail between his legs] Yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe!

Fosse: [passes by laughing, with Bill] I'm sure glad my dog isn't gay.

Bill: Yeah, maybe you should name your dog Sparkette, Stan.
Fosse: Gay dog. [The bullies walk away laughing, while Sparky walks up panting]

[Mr. Garrison's Classroom. Football practice must have been in the morning]
Cartman: ...And so you see, Simon & Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television.

Mr. Garrison: Thank you for that presentation Eric, but the assignment was on Asian cultures. You get a "D-".

Cartman: Ah, dammit!

Mr. Garrison: Who should we call on next Mr. Hat?

Mr. Hat: Well, how about Stan, our little South Park quarterback star?

Mr. Garrison: Oh, good idea. Okay Stanley, you're next.

Stan: Um, I'm not really prepared either.

Mr. Garrison: Well, just make something up, like Eric did.

Stan: Okay, uh. Asian culture has, plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must end it-

Mr. Garrison: Excellent. "A-".

Cartman: Eeyy!

Stan: Wow, cool!

Cartman: Wait a minute, why the hell does he get an "A-"?

Mr. Garrison: Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades. And we treat star athletes better 'cause they're better people.

Cartman: That's not fair!

Mr. Hat: Life isn't fair kiddo, get used to it.

Cartman: Stupid puppet. [Dismissal bell rings]

Mr. Garrison: Don't forget your assignments tonight children, they're due tomorrow for everybody but Stan.

Stan: [as everyone leaves] Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a question?

Mr. Garrison: Well of course Stanley, what is it?

Stan: What's a - homosexual?

Mr. Garrison: Hoh, well, Stanley, I guess you came to the right person. Sit down. [Stan sits] Stanley, gay people... well- gay people are evil. Evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Naziesque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?

Stan: I guess.

Mr. Garrison: Good, I'm glad we could have this little talk Stanley. Now you go outside and practice football like a good little heterosexual.

[Bus stop. The kids get off the bus]
Cartman: You guys see me block that defense today, I was kicking ass.

Kyle: You're gonna need to kick more ass than that to beat the Cowboys.

Cartman: Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog.

Stan: Shut up dude! [Sparky comes up panting with a pink scarf on] Sparky, where'd you get that pink scarf?

Sparky: Bark, bark.

Cartman: Man, that is the gayest dog I've ever seen.

Stan: He just needs some training, that's all. Sit Sparky. [Sparky sits] Good boy, now shake. [Sparky shakes.] Goood boy. Now, don't be gay. [waiting for the command to sink in] Don't be gay Spark. Don't be gay. [Sparky looks at Stan with confusion and growls]

Kyle: Did it work?

Stan: I don't know.

Cartman: He still looks pretty gay to me.

Bill: Huh, huh.

Fosse: Hey Stan, your dog been to any Pride marches lately?

Bill: Huh huh, meh, yeah, maybe you should take him to a Barbara Streisand concert. [They laugh] Stupid little gay dog.

Fosse: Gay dog.

Stan: Come on you guys, I have an idea.

[Sports Book, Ned and Jimbo enter. Two big-screen monitors show horse races. One of the five smaller screens above show a race as well]

Jimbo: I want $500 on the South Park Cows.

Bookie: Are you crazy?

Jimbo: No siree. I'm telling you, I got the line. My nephew Stan is the best quarterback the school has ever seen. I guarantee they'll beat the spread.

Gambler 1: I want to put all my money on the Cows.

Gambler 2: Duh, duh, I think I'll put 300 on the Cows too.

Gambler 3: Hey, I want to put some money on the Cows too.

Female Gambler 1: I got 500 on the Cows.

Female Gambler 2: Well, I'll put my money on the Cows.

Jimbo: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't get too carried away now...

Gambler 4: You better be right about this Jimbo.

Jimbo: Hehe, yeah. Don't- don't worry yourself.

Ned: Are you sure Stan is that good?

Jimbo: Not that sure. I think we better come up with a backup plan. Uhh, let's see here. Hey, bookie! Wha- what's the halftime show gonna be?

Bookie: You haven't heard?! John Stamos' older brother Richard Stamos is gonna sing 'Loving You'.

Ned: I love that song.

Jimbo: 'Loving You'? That's perfect! Come on Ned, Middle Park's gonna get a Halftime show they'll never forget.

[In front of Stan's house, a large crate sits next to the kids.]
Stan: Okay Sparky, we got you a present. Now why don't- [notices a pink scarf on Sparky] Damn it Sparky, where do you keep getting this thing?! [grabs the scarf] No pink bandannas Sparky, bad dog! Now pay attention. Sparky, this is Fifi. [the crate opens and Fifi, a French poodle, comes out]

Kyle: Oolala [Fifi sniffs some. Sparky starts following her]

Cartman: There he goes.

Stan: Atta boy Spark, get her. [Sparky goes for it] Yes! [Sparky throws Fifi's collar into the air, catching it on his neck.] Ah crap! Now what do I do?

Kyle: Who cares if your dog is gay? Maybe it's not that bad.

Cartman: No way dude, my mom says God hates gay people. That's why he smote those sodomies in France.

Kenny: (I think that Garrison said that gay people suck.)

Stan: I know Mr. Garrison said that homosexuals are evil, but, but Sparky doesn't seem evil.

Kyle: Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong. You should ask somebody else.

Stan: Like who?

[Inside Stan's house, Jesus and Pals' title screen is on TV]
TV Announcer: And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park public access.

Jesus: Yea, many of you are seeking answers, and I am the way for you my children. Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions... Hello caller, you're on the air. [Beep]

Robert: Yeah, is, is this Jesus?

Jesus: Yes my son.

Robert: This, this is Robert from Torrey Pines. I called last week asking for advice on my ex-wife.

Jesus: Of course Robert. How are things now?

Robert: Well, every, everything's much better Jesus. She hasn't mouthed off since. I just wanted to thank you for the advice. Oh, and for, for dying for my sins, that was really nice of you.

Jesus: Blessed art thou, Robert. Next caller, you're on the air.

[Beep]

Stan: Uh, hi, Jesus. I, I have a dog, and he's a- he's a homosexual.

Jesus: My son, a lot of people have wondered what my stance on homosexuality is. So I'd like to state once and for all, my true opinion. You see-

TV Announcer: [the station's logo pops up] That's all the time we've left for Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for Marty's Movie Reviews.

Stan: Damn it!

Kyle: What'd he say?

Stan: I got cut off for Marty's stupid Movie Reviews.

Cartman: Oh, Marty's Movie Reviews are on, kick ass!

Stan: Isn't there anybody who can help me? Isn't there anybody who cares?

Kyle: Come on dude, we have to get to practice.

Stan: No, it's not okay! I don't want a gay dog! [outside, Sparky overhears this] I want a butch dog! I want a Rin-tin-tin! [Sparky grouses, digs a hole, and makes his way out of the yard. He wanders into the mountains, looks back once more, and is gone]

[On the sideline at practice]
Chef: Now children, we've got to handle the ball better. You got to hold your football like you hold your lover. [Music starts] Gently, yet firmly. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time. Oh yeah! [Sinks into the mood.]
Just like makin' sweet love to the football.
Feelin' naughty with the football.
Mmmm.

Kyle: Uh, Chef?

Chef: Spank it, ever so gently.

Kyle: Chef.

Chef: Spank it.

Kyle: Chef!

Chef: Oh, uhuhh, sorry children. Uhuh, let's run some plays.

Pip: Uh, Mr. Chef sir?

Chef: No Pip, we still don't have a helmet for you.

Pip: Righto, but how about I use a helmet today, and one of the other children goes without?
Chef: That wouldn't be very fair to the other children, now would it?

Pip: No um, I guess not.

[Carl's Bomb's And Explosives and Accessories]
Jimbo: What we'll have to do here Carl is put a trigger on that bomb that makes it go off at a specific moment during halftime.

Carl: What moment would that be?

Jimbo: Well, John Stamos' older brother is all set to sing 'Loving You' during halftime. We want that bomb to go off when he hits that high F.

Carl: What high F?

Jimbo: You know, Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo... Aaaaah

Carl: Right, right, so you want the trigger on the doo-nn-doo?

Jimbo: No, dammit! The Aaaaah.

Carl: Aaaaahh.

Ned: Aaaaahh.

Jimbo: Aaaaahh.

Carl: Aaaaahh.

Jimbo: Great, we...

Carl: Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo - Aaah.

Ned: Doo-nn-doo-doo

Jimbo: You got it...

Carl: Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo...

Ned: aaa - dooo

Jimbo: Aaaaahh.

Carl: Alright, yeah, okay...

[On the sideline at practice]
Chef: What's the matter Stan, you seem down.

Stan: I just, I can't concentrate 'cause my dog is gay.

Chef: Well, you know what they say: you can't teach a gay dog straight tricks.

Mr. Garrison: [coming up to see what's the matter] Oh, stop filling his head with that queer-loving propaganda.

Chef: Say what?! You of all people should be sympathetic.

Mr. Garrison: What do you mean?

Chef: Well, you're gay aren't you?

Mr. Garrison: What?! What the hell are you talking about?! I am not gay.

Chef: Well, you sure do act like it.

Mr. Garrison: I just act that way to get chicks, dumb ass. [Chef looks puzzled, wondering]

[On the field]
Kyle: [running up from behind] What's the matter dude?

Stan: I don't know where Sparky is. He usually follows me to football practice.

Cartman: Maybe he went shopping for some leather pants. [Stan punches him] Ow!

[Snowy mountains. Sparky is trekking through the snow, stops, and looks around. A floating castle nears him. It's Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary]
Big Gay Al: Hello there little pup, I'm Big Gay Al. [Sparky looks at him] Have you been outcast? [Sparky pants an affirmative] Well, then I'm so glad you found my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. We're all big gay friends here. Would you like to live with us? [Sparky pants an affirmative] Come on in little fellow, nobody will ever oppress you here.

[Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman are at the Bus Stop. Stan walks up]
Stan: Have you guys seen Sparky, he still hasn't come back.

Kyle: Wow, it's been like two days.

Stan: I think he might've run away.

Cartman: Did you check the shopping ma- [Stan punches him] Ow!

Kyle: We'll help you look for him after the game Stan.

Stan: I'm not playing.

Kyle: You what?!

Stan: I'm not playing in that stupid game. I have to find my dog.

[leaves]

[Middle Park Elementary School]
Jimbo: [Whispering] Come on Ned, and keep quiet.

Ned: [Louder] Okay [They climb over the fence and approach the Middle Park mascot, a horse]

Jimbo: Hello there, Enrique.

Ned: What are we doing here?

Jimbo: Well Ned, we always kidnapped Middle Park's mascot. But this year we're gonna booby-trap it instead. [puts bomb on Enrique's back] And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in Loving You, Boom! [Enrique gets wide-eyed] No more Middle Park players. [Enrique starts to tremble]

Ned: Hahahahaha. Hahahahaha.

Jimbo: [laughs] God damn, I love football!

[Stormy mountains]
Stan: Sparky! Where are you?! Where could he be?

[South Park Elementary.]
Cowboys: [exiting the bus] Kill that Ken! Kill that Ken!

[South Park Football Field. The bleachers are filled with fans decked out in COWS! gear. Even Ike is wearing a GO COWS shirt and bouncing about.]
Frank Hammond: Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond, South Park public radio, AM 900, Welcome to tonight's match-up between the Middle Park Cowboys and the South Park Cows. [pounds the table, and Phil's mike falls over. He scans the sidelines] Well, it looks like Chef, the South Park Cows coach looks a little nervous. This is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show up.

Chef: [between his teeth] Oohh, come on Stan.

Pip: Uh, Mr. Chef, if Stanley doesn't show up, can I use his helmet?

Chef: No Pip, I'm sorry!

[Stormy mountains]
Stan: Sparky! Sparky!

[South Park Football Field, first quarter. The game is about to begin]
Referee: Play ball.

Chef: You're gonna have to quarterback, Kyle.

Kyle: But I never practiced quarterback.

Chef: It's a little late for that bullcrap now.

Frank: Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle Broflovski.

Mr. Garrison: Heyhey, where is little Stanley?

Mr. Hat: Yeah, why the hell is that little Jewish kid playing quarterback?

Jimbo: Ned, look. [Middle Park's mascot is shown] They've got Enrique on their sideline, and it looks like that bomb's still attached.

Ned: Yay.

[Stan follows his dog's footprints and finds himself facing Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary]
Big Gay Al: Hi little fella, how are you doing today?

Stan: Fine, how are you?

Big Gay Al: I'm super, thanks for asking.

Stan: My gay dog ran away, and I was wondering if maybe he came here.

Big Gay Al: Well, let's see. Come on in. Hmm. [they enter]

Stan: D'you have lots of gay dogs here?

Big Gay Al: We have all sorts of gay animals here at Big Gay Al's. Over here we have a gay lion. [and three gay bunnies]

Gay Lion: Rooaar

Big Gay Al: And we have gay water buffalo, gay hummingbirds, here's a gaggle of gay gooses. Hi fellas, it's so super to see you!

Stan: Wow, seems like the animals here are really happy.

Big Gay Al: Of course they are, silly buns. It's the one place where gay animals can really be themselves. Would you like to dance?

[They enter the techno-dance floor as disco music plays. Animals pour in to dance, even a dolphin on its tail]

Vocalist: Oww, we can both be gay!

[In the huddle. The Cows win the coin toss]

Kyle: Cartman, you hike me the ball, then somebody run, and I'll throw it at something. Ready?!

Huddle: Break!

[At the line of scrimmage]
Cowboy 1: You guys are toast.

Cowboy 2: Yeah, we're gonna pound your heads in.

Cartman: We'll just see about that.

Kyle: Set, set. [Cartman farts long and nasty. Kyle quickly retreats] Damn it Cartman!

Chef: What's the matter?

Kyle: Cartman farted!

Cartman: No I didn't. That was just my shoes.

Chef: Come on, Cows. We'll get a delay of game penalty.

Kyle: No way dude!

Chef: Hike the ball.

Kyle: [back in position, with his shirt covering his nose.] Ah, dude, weak.

Cartman: That's right, you get back there.

Kyle: Hut.

Frank: The ball is snapped. Middle Park blitzes. [Screaming as Kyle is tackled] Fumble, Middle Park gets the ball. they run it in for a TOUCHDOWN! The score is 7-nothing Middle Park, with 14:57 remaining in the first quarter.

Jimbo: Hell's bells.

Frank: Why, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King.

Phil: [quickly covers the mike] Now Frank, that's not very PC. You're gonna get us in trouble again.

Frank: Right, right, uh. I gotta watch that.

Townsman 1: We lose our money 'cause of your nephew, we're gonna hang you up to dry, Jimbo.

Jimbo: Don't y'all worry, you just wait till halftime, hehe.

[Big Gay Al's dance floor]
Vocalist: ...both be gay.

Stan: [dancing with a monkey, then sees Sparky] Sparky! Hiya Sparky, how's it goin'?

Sparky: Ruff.

Stan: I missed you old pal, you really had me scared.

Sparky: Barr.

Stan: Come on, let's go home. I can still make it in time for the game. [Sparky follows Stan] We can work on making you not gay together. [Sparky stops and sits] Sparky?

Big Gay Al: Young man, it appears you still don't understand.

Stan: What don't I understand?

Big Gay Al: Come this way, I have to show you something.

[South Park Football Field, second quarter]
Frank: With just over a minute to go in the half the score is Middle Park Cowboys 52, South Park Cows 0.

Kyle: Hut, hut. [Cartman snaps the ball to Kyle. The Cowboys blitz. Kyle flips the ball back to Pip, who is still without a helmet. The Cowboys players descend on him as soon as he catches the ball]

Frank: Oh no, I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant.

Phil: [muffling Frank] Dude! Now that is not cool.

Frank: Sorry, sorry.

[Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride]
Big Gay Al: Okay Stan, I think you should get in line for my Big Gay Boat Ride. [Stan looks at the boat] Step aboard, Stanley. [does so, with Sparky] Hello everyone, and welcome aboard the Big Gay Boat Ride. On this adventure we'll be seeing the world of gayness throughout time.

[South Park Football Field. South Park's final drive before the halftime show]
Frank: And the South Park Cows are set to receive... [Cowboys kick off] There's the kick. It's taken by number 23, Kenny McCormick. [weaves through the special teams] He's at the 50, the 40, the 30.

Cowboys: Hold him, hold him! [Two of them take hold of Kenny's arms] Hold him, hold him!

Cowboy: Yaaah! [A Third Cowboy dives in, taking Kenny's head off, as the other two sever Kenny's arms.]

Frank: The running back is down. I think he's... [Rats come in to devour Kenny's corpse.] Yes, he's been decapitated.

Kyle: Wha-? Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You Bastards!

Phil: That's gotta hurt, Frank.

Frank: How terue!

Chef: Hey, come on. That was roughing. At least let us scrape him off the field.

Frank: Looks like the South Park Cows aren't even gonna beat the 72 point spread. Not by a long shot.

[Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride]
Big Gay Al: You see, gayness has existed since the beginning of time. From the Egyptian pharaohs, to the shoguns of Japan. [they cross swords] Uh oh, look out, it's the oppressors. Christians and Republicans and Nazis, oh my! [fires off a shot with his revolver] Ohhh! Oh God, that was close. Okay, let's steer our Big Gay Boat out of here and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely. [Doors open to reveal a scene right out of 'It's a Small World.']

Boat Ride Singers:
We're all gay, and it's okay
'Cause gay means happy and happy means gay.
We're not sad anymore, cause we're out the closet door.
It's okay, hey, to be gay!

Big Gay Al: Sooo, what do you think Stan? [It's okay to be gay...]

Stan: This kicks ass! I'm sorry I tried to change you Spark, I just didn't understand. [It's okay to be gay. Shalala Waylaylay Shalala Waylaylay It's okay to be gay.]

Big Gay Al: Isn't this precious?

[South Park Football Field. Halftime]
Frank: And now, here to sing the touching song, Loving You is the one and only, John Stamos' brother...

Jimbo: Alright Richard!

Richard: [Music starts up]
Loving you
is easy cause you're beautiful
-doo-n-doo--doo-doooo--
Aaaaa! [his voice cracks and the music stops]
Aaaaa!

Jimbo: What the hell?!

Richard: Aaaaa! [his voice wavers]

Jimbo: He didn't sing the high F.

Mr. Garrison: Richard Stamos can't sing a high F, he always screws it up like this.

Jimbo: Ned, we are going to get our asses kicked.

Richard: Lalalalala...

Mr. Garrison: It's obvious where all the talent in that family went!

[Outside of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary]
Stan: Thanks for everything Big Gay Al!

Sparky: Ruff!

Big Gay Al: No problem kids. Are you sure you don't wanna stay for some toasted cheese sandwiches?

Stan: No thanks, I've gotta get back for the big football game. Come on boy! [they start to walk off]

Big Gay Al: Oh Stan? [they halt] When you get back to town, [earnest music plays] tell them about us, will you? Tell them there are gay animals here who need homes, desperately.

Stan: I will Big Gay Al, I will. [they depart]

Big Gay Al: [bell dings] Ooh, my carrot cake! [rushes inside]
[South Park Football Field, fourth quarter]

Kyle: Hike!

Frank: And these South Park Cows are being absolutely molested by
Middle Park. I haven't seen so many children molested since...

Mr. Garrison: I thought you said beating the spread was a sure thing Jimbo.

Mr. Hat: Yeah, we all put our life savings in this game.

Townsman: You're a dead man Jimbo [A hail of food products is thrown at Jimbo.]

Frank: Well, this should just about wrap it up for- [Stan and Sparky come on to the field.] Wait a minute, what's this?

Jimbo: Yeah!!!

Crowd Member: Yohooooh.

Frank: It's Stan, the South Park star quarterback!

Chef: Where the hell have you been Stan?!

Stan: I've been getting my best friend back.

Chef: Just get in there boy!

Jimbo: Give 'em hell Stanley! [Stan takes his place] Jesus, now I haven't asked you for much, but all we need is one little score.
Please? Please, Jesus?

Jesus: [in the first row] Leave me alone.

Stan: Hike!

Frank: Stan hikes the ball. He steps back to pass.

Kyle: Hey Stan, Ah- I'm open, I think.

Stan: Mph. [throws ball]

Frank: And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid.

Kyle: Oof. [runs towards the end zone, panting, Cowboys hot on his trail.]

Frank: Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!

Phil: Dude! [Frank recoils. The crowd cheers as Kyle scores]
Frank: Touchdown!

Jimbo: Yeah!

Mr. Garrison: Wooo!

Frank: The clock runs out and the final score is Middle Park Cowboys 73, South Park Cows 6. South Park beats the spread! [swats his mike away]

Jimbo: Yeah! Woohoo!

[Postgame press conference. Stan gets on stage by scoreboard]

Townsman: Speech!

Frank: Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost victory?

Stan: Uh. It, it's really cool that we beat the spread against the Cowboys.

Crowd: Yeah, alright!

Stan: And maybe - we can beat 'em even more next year!

Crowd: Woooo!

Stan: And it's okay to be gay! [The crowd falls silent]

Jimbo: What?!

Stan: Being gay is just part of nature, and a beautiful thing.

Mr. Garrison: What the hell is he talking about?!

Frank: Uhh, Stanley, you arrived very late in the game, where were
you that whole time?

Stan: I was with my new friend, Big Gay Al. He showed me his Big Gay Animal Sanctuary, and took me on a Big Gay Boat Ride, where I learned all about the wonders of gaiety. [The crowd looks at Stan in disbelief] It's true, I'll show you.

[At the site of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. There is nothing to be seen]
Stan: But it was here. It was all right here. The, there was a techno dance club.

Cartman: Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, alright,
seriously. I'm worried about you man. [missing animals suddenly appear]

Townswoman: Oliver, I thought you ran away all those months ago.

Townsperson 1: Sidney!

Townsperson 2: Willy!

Townsperson 3: Carlos!

Big Gay Al: [suddenly at Stanley's side] I want to thank you so much for bringing everybody here.

Stan: Oh, there you are dude. How's it going?

Big Gay Al: I'm super, thanks for asking. It looks like now my work here is done. [pops his suitcase open and climbs into it] Goodbye Stanley, peace be with you. [presses a button, and the suitcase closes]

Stan: Wow! [The suitcase flies off.]

Richard: You guys, you guys! I can do it.

Mr. Garrison: Do what?

Richard:
Loving you
is easy cause you're beautiful
doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-dooo

Jimbo: No!

Richard: Aaah

Enrique: Mroo- [Boom!]