Splinter Cheeks Johnson

You could count on Splinter Cheeks Johnson to cheer
A utility player for his whole career
He ate sunflower seeds & he chewed bubble gum
He made sure to save all the other guys some

He put his uniform on every day
Sat in the dugout, and shouted hooray
He would sign autographs after a game
Nobody ever had heard of the name

Eleven hundred plus fifty-two
Consecutive games...oh the bubbles he blew!
Not one single inning did he ever play
He worked hard to keep himself out of the way

They won a World Series & he got his ring
Got sprayed with champagne it was the craziest thing
He got to ride in the next day’s parade
A full share of the World Series pot he was paid

In case you might wonder, and most people would
They kept him around because he was good
He always moved over, with excellent form
The spot that he vacated always was warm

Splinter Cheeks one time was sent out on deck
The streak on the line, his nerves were a wreck
The batter ahead of him made the last out
“Way to go Splinter Cheeks!” nobody shouted

Splinter Cheeks Johnson was always prepared
Quick to react if trouble should flare
He was always willing to take one for the team
From his secret stash of hemorrhoid creme

But Splinter Cheeks Johnson’s body wore out
It was sad to see but there was no doubt about it
He would start to lose steam by the top of the fifth
His eyelids got heavy and his posture would drift

Splinter Cheeks Johnson was taking a nap
He’d covered his eyes with the bill of his cap
A murderous foul ball bounced off his head
They carried him out, Splinter Cheeks he was dead

The Splinter Cheeks Johnson baseball card set
A nickel is probably the most you could get
He had no statistics to put on the backs
Not even any interesting facts

You could count on Splinter Cheeks Johnson to cheer
A utility player for his whole career
He ate sunflower seeds & he chewed bubble gum
He made sure to save all the other guys some