My British Emily

“That other woman” says my wife
“She’s who you trust with your life
You listen to her more than you do me”
I said, “You just tell me where to go
But how to get there you don’t know
And she never asks if we can stop and pee”

Yeah, I think that other gal knows best
North and south, east and west
I hardly pay attention anymore
In bed sometimes I hear her voice
British Emily, not Australian Joyce
And in my dreams we take a little detour

Once she told me to turn onto a dirt road
But all night long it had just snowed
And not even the highway had been plowed
I didn’t turn, kept going straight
She kept saying “Recalculating -
Make a u-turn when allowed”

Now sometimes we might disagree
All the while she yells at me
And nothing I yell back will shut her up
I call her a whore, call her a witch
I call time out and I flip the switch
For some peace and quiet she can’t interrupt

Satellite connection dropped
So I pulled over and I stopped
Spaghetti Junction coming up ahead
Been years since I’d last had a map
All spread out across my lap
I wished it could’ve talked to me instead

Ramps to the left, ramps to the right
There wasn’t another soul in sight
Who wasn’t whizzing by at 75
My teeth were clenched, my knuckles white
That’s when we had another big fight
And she refused to say which way to drive

Now sometimes we might disagree
All the while she yells at me
And nothing I yell back will shut her up
I call her a whore, call her a witch
I call time out and I flip the switch
For some peace and quiet she can’t interrupt

One time when I drove all day
Just one road, a long, long way
I got caught up in thinking as you do
She froze to death, I didn’t know
I’d missed my exit hours ago
I never even saw her face turn blue

I mount her and I turn her on
She tells me that I’m her Don Juan
In ways only my Emily can do
That’s her out there in the car
The one who does knows where we are
Turns out all she needed was a screw (a Phillips Head)

Now sometimes we might disagree
All the while she yells at me
And nothing I yell back will shut her up
I call her a whore, call her a witch
I call time out and I flip the switch
For some peace and quiet she can’t interrupt

“That other woman” says my wife
“She’s who you trust with your life
You listen to her more than you do me”
“It’s true, I do, but she knows the route
And she’s the one who has a mute
And she came with an extended warranty
My British Emily”