Socrates

[PETER SKELLERN as SEPTIMUS MEEK (spoken throughout)]
Socrates? Socrates?
Could I have a word?
A small request?

[PETER SKELLERN as SOCRATES (sung as chant throughout)]
Septimus, old thing, I hope you are well
I haven't heard from you of late
Saint Peter tells me from old Tom Brown
(We met at the Pearly Gate)
That you had been suffering from a bad cold
And how it had gone to your chest
And you sneezed and you wheezed throughout the Lord's Prayer
Last month as you laid him to rest
And what with the lead from the roof being nicked
And Tom's wife running off with a Quaker
I thought we'd be hearing from you soon
Do you want a word with the Maker?

No, no, no, don't trouble him
I don't want to be any bother
Yes, I'm much better now, thank you
I was sent something to rub on by my mother
She cures most things from gripe to gout
With potions she's kept since the war
With pastes and pills she can cure most ills
But not sort out this, I'm sure
The choir's away, with our best singer
On a visit to a neighbouring diocese
Do you think you could hurry this one through?
A replacement? Nine-thirty? Do try, please!

Oh, boy, that's cutting it fine
We usually like more warning
It's come at a very bad time for us
We've a bit of a flap on this morning
It seems that some clot here at HQ
One of the PR boys, I think
Has invited the BBC to film
And it's causing a hell of a stink
And there's been a breakdown in communications
It wasn't till breakfast we knew
So you see it's a little bit tricky just now
But I'll see what I can do

Thank you!