Screech In

[CLAUDE]
Now there's a solemn, old tradition
For admission - or audition - to
Transition from a Come From Away

[COMPANY]
To be a Newfoundlander

[CLAUDE]
The only other way at any rate
Is pass away and pray to fate and
Wait to reincarnate

[COMPANY]
As a Newfoundlander
Hey, hey - come on inside
Nothing ventured, nothing tried

[ACTOR 5]
Only a couple of people cried

[COMPANY]
You'll be a Newfoundlander
Hey, hey - sit down right here
You'll feel better in a year

[ACTOR 7]
Try to ignore your doubts and fears

[COMPANY]
And you'll be a Newfoundlander

[CLAUDE, spoken]
Now we needs a couple of volunteers - who wants to become a Newfoundlander?

[BOB, spoken]
Right here!

[CLAUDE, spoken]
Good man! Who else?

[KEVIN T, spoken]
I have no idea why I put up my hand. And Kevin's like

[KEVIN J, spoken]
Oh my God, are you serious? Oh my God, you are serious!

[KEVIN T, spoken]
Yes - I'm serious. Don't do it if you don't want to

[KEVIN J, spoken]
I won't

[CLAUDE, spoken]
Where you from, buddy?

[KEVIN T, spoken]
Los Angeles

[CLAUDE, spoken]
LA! Who else?

[DIANE spoken]
Us!
We want to be Newfoundlanders!

[CLAUDE, spoken]
Alright. Where are you folks from?

[DIANE, spoken]
Texas and -

[CLAUDE, spoken]
Texas! (to Nick) What part of Texas are you from, buddy?

[NICK, spoken]
No, I'm from -

[DIANE, spoken]
No, I'm from Texas. He's from England

[CLAUDE, spoken]
Wait. Now how does that work?

[NICK, spoken]
How does what work?

[CLAUDE, spoken]
Well, how does your marriage work with you being in England and her in Texas?

[DIANE & NICK, spoken]
No - we're not married

[CLAUDE, spoken]
Oh, I'm sorry - I just assumed you were married... Well, would you like to be?

[NICK, spoken]
Ah -

[DIANE, spoken]
Well, why not?!

[NICK, spoken]
Diane had had two beers by then, so it was probably the alcohol talking

[DIANE, spoken]
I've never had more than one beer at a time before, so it was probably the alcohol talking

[NICK, spoken]
I went and got her two more beers

[CLAUDE]
Now the first part is the easiest
We'll soon get to the queasiest
I'll need you to repeat this mess

[COMPANY]
When you become a Newfoundlander

[Claude]
'Cause we speaks a different language, son
We adds some esses and some rum
You'll have to try a good cod tongue

[COMPANY]
When you become a Newfoundlander
Hey, hey - just do your best
Nothing scary, nothing yet

[ACTOR 3]
You'll have to change the way you're dressed

[COMPANY]
And you'll be a Newfoundlander
Hey, hey - just sing along
Nothing ventured just prolonged

[CLAUDE]
There's thirty verses in this song

[COMPANY]
Then you'll be a Newfoundlander

[CLAUDE, spoken]
Ladies and gentlemen - this is screech! Back in World War II, an officer was stationed here and was offered some of this stuff
All the locals were tossing it back with nar' a quiver, so he does too
And lets out an ear piercing...

(all of the NEWFOUNDLANDERS howl)

Everybody comes to see what's happening and says:

[COMPANY except SCREECHEES, spoken]
"What was that ungodly screech?!"

[CLAUDE, spoken]
And now it's your turn. Are you ready?

[NICK spoken]
Um... I'm not sure that -

[DIANE spoken]
Wait - did you just say -

[BOB, spoken]
No. Nope. Not really ready

[KEVIN T, spoken]
Do we have to drink this?

[CLAUDE, spoken]
Good! All together now. One!

[COMPANY except SCREECHEES, spoken]
One!

[CLAUDE, spoken]
Two!

[COMPANY except SCREECHEES, spoken]
Two!

[CLAUDE, spoken]
Three!

[COMPANY except SCREECHEES, spoken]
Three!

[CLAUDE, spoken]
Down the hatch!

[KEVIN T spoken]
Screech is basically bad Jamaican rum

[NICK, spoken]
Screech is horrific

[DIANE, spoken]
Screech is delishush!

[BOB, spoken]
And then they brought the Cod

[KEVIN T, spoken]
The Cod

[NICK, spoken]
The Cod

[DIANE, spoken]
The Cod

[CLAUDE]
Now with every transformation
Comes a tiny bit of risk
You've got to walk the plank
And there'll be blood
Or there'll be bliss
And it's the same to be a
Newfoundlander
Every person's wish
So don't be dumb
Just take the plunge
Go on - kiss the fish!

[NEWFOUNDLANDERS]
(continued underneath)
I'm an islander - I am an islander
I'm an islander - I am an islander...

[CLAUDE, spoken]
Ladies and gentlemen - this is a genuine freshly caught Newfoundland cod - and if you want to become an honorary Newfoundlander, you'll have to give her a smooch! One!

[KEVIN J, spoken]
If you kiss that I am never kissing you again!

[KEVIN T, spoken]
I'll risk it!

[CLAUDE, spoken]
Two!

[NICK, spoken]
I'm not kissing a fish!

[DIANE, spoken]
Come on, I will if you will!

[NICK, spoken]
Oh my god. Fine

[CLAUDE, spoken]
Three!

[DIANE, spoken]
I can't do it!

[NICK, spoken]
What? I just did!

[CLAUDE, spoken]
Now you've got to kiss the cod - it's a vital part of the ceremony

[DIANE, spoken]
I can't do it!

[CLAUDE, spoken]
Alright - look. I'll make you a deal. Either you kiss this fish - or else you kiss this Englishman that you're not married to

[COMPANY]
Hey, hey - come on tonight
Take a risk and take a ride
Jump right in with both feet tied
And you'll be a Newfoundlander

Hey, hey - come on once more
Nothing ventured, nothing sore
After it's over, out the door
And you'll be a Newfoundlander

[CLAUDE]
After it's over you'll remember

[COMPANY]
That you're a Newfoundlander