Russian Bandstand

Welcome to Russian Bandstand
Dis is your host, Nikita Clarkchev
In Russia, almost everybody watches Russian Bandstand!
[Machine gun fire]
Now everybody watches Russian Bandstand! Heh, heh, heh

Next is #1 song in Russia
[Backwards clip of "Maybellene" by Chuck Berry]
(But we don't like that song!)
You've got to like that song, it's #1 song!
(But we don't like...) [gunfire]

Who else doesn't like that song?
(I don't like...) [gunfire] (any... other... song)
Too late, comrade!
Now, anybody else don't like?
(We like that song)
All right, now a word from our sponsor. You better listen!

Light Up Stroganoff, new short length cigarette
Each cigarette - two puffs
That's all you got time for
Work twenty-two hours a day salt mine
Is only cigarette with microphone filter
So be careful comrade, secret police are listening
Is only cigarette I smoke, right Comrade Mamarelichev?
Right, is only cigarette you can buy!

Next on Russian Bandstand is country's No. 1 singing star, Nikita Presleychev
What are you going to sing, Nikita?
[Backwards clip of "Maybellene" by Chuck Berry]
No, that's wrong song [gunfire]
Tomorrow we have new Number 1 singing star!
Tomorrow we have new Number 1 song!

Hey comrade, we are secret police!
Tomorrow we have new host on Russian Bandstand! [gunfire]