Rodney Rappin’

(Rodney, Rodney, Rodney, Rodney, Rodney, Rodney!)
Rodney Dangerfield!

Thank you so much, thank you, well, thank you!
My God... okay, okay, okay, alright
What a crowd, what a crowd
I tell ya... I tell ya, I'm alright now, but last week was in rough shape, you know?
Now, last week I looked at my family tree, two dogs were using it
What a family I got, they traced my roots back to a cesspool
My old man - he was a beauty, my old man
He was a workaholic: yeah, you mentioned work, he got drunk
My old man... all those money went on booze
I was six years old, I thought there was no such thing as outpour [?] baby food

I don't know. I tell ya, I can't relax, you know?
Well, the other day I called up my wife, I said to her:
"Honey, I'vе been thinking about the last time we had sеx, I'm getting excited"
She said: "Who is this?"
My wife... when we got married, she told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right!
Oh, lately she's into S&M - salesmen and mechanics
You know, my wife is always somethin'. When I bought a used car, I found her dress in the back seat!
Are you kidding? I know my wife cheats on me. Every time I come home, the parrot says "Quick, out the window!"
You kiddin'? I thought I'd tell ya that. My wife... alright, alright, okay

There, good laugh outta that, baby. How you doin', huh?
I love it when I got a good laugh, all right buddy. Where you from, bud?
(Toledo!) Oh, great place, Toledo, great place.
Toledo, heh... I got waded there many times
I'm in good mood, oh I'll tell you that, in very good mood
I just finished my first book, now I'm gonna read another one!
And I solved my drinking problem: I joined Alcoholics Anonymous
Man, I still drink, I use a different name, that's all, y'know?

Now, I'll tell you what: drinking, I gotta watch myself.
When I drink, the next day things are always missing, like my teeth!
I mean, when I drink I don't know what I'm doing, you know
Sometimes the next day I wake up in some strange bed, with a kid with an accent playing with my feet...
You've been through that too, huh? I know, that's tough, that's tough, but I know, you know?
What a... and I drink too much, way too much. I gave my doctor a urine specimen, there was an olive in it!
Now, I tell ya: work night, sometimes you can't help but drink.
You work night when a friend comes over, "hey Rodney, have a drink! Rodney, a drink, a drink!"
Before you know, an hour later it's stupid time, you know?

And when I drink and my friends take me home... when I'm drunk, they don't care.
They never take me home, they always drop me somewhere. They always have to make "a turn"...
"Nah, I make my turn here! You're home, you're home! You walk up 12 blocks, you walk through the park, and you're home! You're home."
I mean, no matter what condition I'm in, they always push me out of the car, you know?
"Go on, push him out! Get him out, he's alright. Go ahead, he's big, they'll think he's a cop.
Go ahead, get him out, he's alright. Go ahead, get him out, will you?"

One night I was loaded, they pushed me out the car, I found myself right in front of a bar
There's this sign on top, it's "Inside 20 exciting girls!"
I thought "that's not too bad", you know? In my life, I'm lucky to meet one exciting girl a month
I go in here, I'm set for a year and a half!
I tell you what - bars, I'm never lucky, you know?
I saw a sign of a one bar, it said "Topless! Bottomless!"
I went inside, there was no one there!
On one night I was loaded, I went into a gay bar, it was ridiculous.
I mean, there was 15 guys for every guy!
I mean, what a joint that was, you kidding?
I walked in, they ask you for proof of sex.
I showed them proof, they said it wasn't enough!
What a joint... I asked the bartender for a double, he brought out some guy who looked like me

And I'll tell you what, I mean, nothing works out, you know?
I decided to look out for Number One, I stepped in Number Two!
Last week I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me 2 to 1, I don't make it!
I mean it, nothing comes easy! I bought a Japanese cartoon on a radio. [?]
I don't understand a word they're saying!
I mean, things happened to me you wouldn't believe! Well, the other night I found a guy's wallet. Inside was a picture of my two kids!

I mean, kids ain't no bargain either, ya know. I tell you, both of my kids, they're nothing like me, you know? They take after their father.
I tell you, with kids nobody wins. For three years now, my kid goes to a private school. He won't tell me where it is!
I mean, with kids you can't be nice. My kid's birthday I took him to Coney Island, and I said "you wanna go in a crazy house?"
He told me to save my money, we'll be home soon!
I mean, a real smart kid I got. The other night I told him, I said "You're young, you don't have it upstairs."
He told me I'm old, I don't have it downstairs!
What a kid I got, I told him: "someday, you'll have children of your own!" He said "so are you!"

And my daughter too, she's no bargain either. Well she's been picked up so many times, she started to grow handles!
My daughter... in her graduation book, her picture is horizontal
My daughter, well, she flunked her driver's test. Yeah, she couldn't get used to the front seat
Why, it took six less to get her to sip up on a car (sic!), to sit up on... I fucked that one up, lemme go back...
No one's perfect, no one's perfect, okay
My daughter, you kiddin'? Why, it took six lessons to get her to sit up in a car! [applause]
Okay, alright, well...
My daughter, you kiddin'? They call her "Federal Express". Yeah, when she goes to a guy's apartment, chap's will positively has to be there overnight!

I tell ya - kids, they got no control today. When, they get pregnant from eating chicken?
Yeah, it's finger-lickin' good and one thing leads to another, you know? I tell you...
Oh, take it easy, will ya? Come on, be nice, will ya? I'm doing this show straight!
No booze, no pot, no coke, no nothin'! I'm making it straight, so be nice, okay?
(How novel...) What's that, baby? (How novel!) How novel... you should know, heh...
Ah, God... and don't get me wrong, really. I don't snort cocaine, I just like the way it smells, that's all
I mean, the kids today, they were the cocaine - well, my kid's class the teacher said "form a double line". They all got high!

I tell ya, kids are wild today. Why, my kid's high school prom, the King and Queen were the same person!
Kids, they play around so young today. My kid bought a box of Cracker Jacks, the prize was a diaphragm!
Am I getting too wild for this group? I don't know here. Oh, I mean the kids are wild, you kiddin'?
I would talk to my doctor... you know my doctor, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz? Know my doctor? Yeah, oh yeah...
Oh, you kiddin'? Kids are wild, wild!
Well, he told me last week in his office, he got six cases of VD! I mean, he's alright now...

Oh, he's a strange doctor, very strange doctor, you kiddin'? (How strange?) How strange?
I asked if my heart was strong enough for sex. He told me, not if I join in, you know?
Very strange doctor. When you take off all your clothes, he says "aah!"
What a doctor, you kiddin'? I called him up, I told him I had diarrhea, he put me on hold!
I mean, he's really mixed up. I told him I keep wetting my pants, he told me to open my fly!
And my dentist too, that's another one. I said to him "Can you put in a new tooth, to match my other teeth?"
He put in a tooth with four cavities!
My dentist, I don't trust him either. He gave me a shot of Novocain, he told me to pull my pants down!
I mean, he told me he'd root canal, and he told me to bend over!

You know, I never had any luck with doctors. Well, my proctologist, he's the only one I see eye to eye with, you know?
My proctologist, he used to be a photographer, heh. He took my X-ray, told me to ben over and say "cheese"!
Proctologist, what a job that is. You start at the bottom, and you stay there!
Now, I tell you, with doctors I never hit it off, you know? I told one doctor I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need it!

Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. I asked a waiter for a doggy bag, he told me to just sit facing the wall!
I'm ugly, you kiddin'? Halloween, I open the front door, kids give me candy! I mean, are you kiddin'?
You know when you're ugly alright. I mean, are you ki- Well, last Halloween a kid tried to pull my face off
And my kids, they flip a coin to see who has to kiss me goodnight! I know I'm ugly, you kiddin'?
Four gay guys saw me and went straight. I mean, when my dog found out we look alike, he killed himself.
Are you kiddin'? And I was an ugly kid, too. On a merry-go-round, they made me ride under the horse.
When my old man took me to the zoo, they thanked him for returning me, you kiddin'?
I'm very ugly, even the doctor who cut the cord, he hung himself.

And what a childhood I had... my mother breastfed me through a straw. You kiddin'? Very ugly kid, very ugly.
I mean, nobody was nice. The other kids all made fun of me, made fun of my cousin too.
They'd call him four-eyes. You know, later on he got glasses, and they'd call him eight-eyes.
And my old man, he didn't help either, my old man. We used to play tag and he'd drive.
"Come on, move it along, will ya?" Tag, and he'd drive! Think what I'm trying to work with here, for crying out loud, eh?
My old man... I told him I'm sick and tired of running around in circles. He got mad, he nailed down my other foot!
My old man, he never went out with me. He told me to go in the backyard, and play hide and go fuck yourself! You know?

Ey, you're alright out there, [?]. Thank you so much, thank you. [applause] Who came in?
Now, I tell ya it's nice here, you know. So different from places I worked when I was a kid, when I started.
When I was a kid, I worked places you wouldn't believe, you know. (Where?) Where...? Very inquisitive group here.
Tough places! Places like Carmine's Cave, Teresa's Funhouse, Nunzio's Dancing and Congeals. What a place that was, Nunzio's...
The starter show was a rabies-infected dog act, "Beverly's Bitches". And what billing I got there.
I was running between free parking and pizza by the slice. What a place, Nunzio's... as you went to this place, you went down two steps, physically and socially.
It was a touch place! I sat down to eat, I look to my finger bowl, there were three fingers in it!
And Nunzio, he was tough! He was... (How tough?) How tough? When he was two years old, he came here from Italy. By himself!
Tough, are you kiddin'? Nunzio was tough! Are you- Well Nunzio, he started acupuncture with an ice pick!
Every night he'd say the same thing to me: "Be funny, my people come here to forget their troubles."
I mean, how do you make a guy forget he's up for manslaughter? It's rough, you know?

Sometimes, I think back at the dumpy hotels I stayed at too. Say, that one hotel had to wake-up call, they missed by a day and a half.
What a dumpy hotel that was... they stole MY towel! Ya kiddin'? [applause]
I mean, are you kiddin'? What a dump hotel that was. The hotel had a postcard, and the picture of the room wasn't made up!
I tell ya, showbiz - I never had any money. I was always broke. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes!
I mean it's a tough racket, show business. I started in showbiz, I was in ventriloquism. Then I had to quit, I got too big for the guy's lap!
I mean, today it's different. Today I finish a show, I sign 30, 40 autographs...! Nobody takes them, but I sign 'em.
I never got girls when I was a kid in show business either. One girl told me: "Come on over, there's nobody home". I went over, there was nobody home!
I mean I never got girls, you know? My friends didn't know though, I fooled them. I used to go to a drive-in movie alone, and do push-ups in the backseat of the car!
Now, I tell you, with girls I don't think right. One girl told me "I got mirrors all over the bedroom, come on over and bring a bottle". I brought Windex!

Uh, we finally, I tell ya... we finally made love, I said to her "how many guys you had before this?" She said "well, not enough to make up for this!"
And I tell you, this girl was no bargain either. She was FAT! (How fat?) How fat? When she went swimming, she left a ring around a lake!
Okay? She's fat, I'm tellin' ya. Fat chick, alright? Fat, very fat. I met her at the Macy's parade, she was wearing ropes!
I mean, fat! Well, she tried computer dating, the machine matched her up with Detroit! Are you kiddin'?
I mean, I'm takin' 'bout a fat girl here, know what I mean? How fat? When she wears high heels, she strikes oil, okay? A fat chick, I'm tellin' ya.
I mean fat, boy. When she wears a watch on two arms, she covers two time zones! Fat chick... when she has sex, guys ask directions. She wanted me on top, I had to get a ladder.
I finally got on top, my ears popped. Oh I mean I tell ya, this girl... no, I tell ya... that's alright.
I tell ya, I tell ya - this girl was fat and ugly; ooh was she ugly! (How ugly?) How ugly? On Christmas they hanged her and kissed the mistletoe, okay? Ugly, I'm tellin' you.
Well, when she walks the room, mice jump on chairs. Ugly chick... I took her to a plastic surgeon, he added a tail. Very ugly girl. When I took her home, my mother put newspapers on the floor.
I mean, ugly! I gave her a hickey, I got fur on my mouth! Are you kiddin'? Ugly chick, alright. [singing] And that's how ugly she was, ooh...

Okay, alright, alright. (Hey Rodney! How'd you get so ugly?) How'd I get so ugly? 'Cause you're contagious, that's why. [applause] Alright...
That's nice to hear you laugh, I'll tell you that, you know. 'Cause where I live is no laughs, I live in a tough neighborhood, you kiddin'?
I live in the only neighborhood, when you plan your budget, you laugh up hold-up money. Last night I saw a guy rotating my tires from my car to his.
Oh, I tell ya, it's getting worse over there. Well, last week a girl got raped. At the police lineup, she picked out everybody. And that was the end of our softball team!
I'll tell you one thing: in my neighbor[hood], the parents always know where their kids are. They see them on the news!
And my kid goes to the worst school there is. They asked one kid to prove the law of gravity - threw the teacher out the window, you know?
Oh, it's a tough school! My kid... (How tough was it?) ...I'm telling you how tough it is!
And my kid's school, you kiddin'? Before they dissect the frog, they try to make it talk, are you kiddin'? Tough school, I'll tell you!

I tell ya, my neighborhood is crime all over. In fact, I went out and I bought my wife a rape whistle. She says that don't work, no one shows up!
Now, my wife isn't too smart, you know? Our first date, I took her to a drive-in movie. I asked if she wanted to go in the backseat. She told me she'd rather use the ladies' room!
[the audience goes "ooh..."] What are you, owls?? Nah, she's not smart at all, my wife, you kiddin'? She looked at my calendar, she asked me who "June" was, heh.
My wife is dumb, are you kiddin'? You wanna know, how DUMB she is? (How dumb is she?)
I gave her a toy poodle, she killed it puttin' batteries in it. She's dumb, I tell ya! I mean, I caught her in bed with a guy, she told him "pretend you don't know me"!
My wife is fucking dumb, I tell ya! (How?) You wanna know, how fucking dumb she is? (How dumb is she??)
It takes her an hour and a half to watch "Sixty Minutes"! She's fucking dumb, I tell ya! Got to work it out, you know? Got to work it out...