Rodney Continues Rappin’

[applause] Now, I tell ya, nobody has it easy, nobody, you know? Everybody has it tough. Well, hookers are giving away toasters! I tell ya, people are nuts. I went to an AA meeting, there was a two-drink minimum!
I tell ya, you know the greatest trust in the world? Two cannibals having oral sex. [the audience goes "ooh..."] What are you, a glee club? I did the same joke for the PTA, and it went over very big.
I mean, I don't know who to believe anymore. I got stuck last week too, I bought a book: "How to Make It Big". It was all about money!
Nah, I tell you, I mean nothing works out! I go fishing, I catch nothing. I go to orgiеs, I catch everything!
I'll tell you, with girls I'm nеver lucky, you kiddin'? By the time I was 16, I had sex once and VD twice!
I had an affair with one girl, I went nuts, I don't know what to do. I mean, the rabbit didn't die, it just stayed in critical condition, you know?
I'll tell you, with girls things happen to me you wouldn't believe, man. How would you like to go out on a blind date? I mean, you meet the girl and she's pregnant.
I mean, what do you say to a girl who's pregnant, you know? "What have you been doing lately?"
And she told me she had a fight with her boyfriend. I told her: "you tell your boyfriend next time you fight, he should knock you down!"
[applause] Oh, that's alright, that's alright.

I'll tell ya, I'll tell ya: blind dates never work out. I had one blind date, I waited two hours at the corner, a girl walked by.
I said "are you Louise?", she said "are you Rodney?" I said "yeah". She said "I'm not Louise!"
Or, one time I had a date with an Australian girl, she taught me how to throw my boomerang! I got a case of VD, that keeps coming back!
Oh, I tell ya: this girl, she woulda keep me on my toes. And you know me, I love a new position, you know, but uh...
Oh, she was a wild girl, a very wild girl, one night in a... (how wild was she?)
[silence] ...who gave you a speaking part here?
How wild? One night in a bar, she gave the mechanical bull her phone number, okay? A wild girl, I'm tellin' ya.

And that's enough about girls, let's talk about health. That's what's important - health, health! I'm not a kid anymore, are you kiddin'? I'm getting old.
I'm at the age now, three to daily double is prune juice and an enema. I mean, and my teeth are all shot, you kiddin'? I go to parties, I bob for applesauce.
I mean, I'm gettin' old! My insurance company sent me a half a calendar. [applause] That's alright. I'll tell ya...
I'll tell ya, you know when you're getting old, you kiddin'? I joined a class in weightlifting. They started me with balloons!
You kiddin'? Well, if I squeeze into a parking place, I'm sexually satisfied. I tell ya, my sex life is no longer live, it's Memorex!
I tell ya, there's always problems. I can't lose any weight either. I tried jogging, I keep running into restaurants!
I mean, I'm too old to go jogging. If you see me jogging, means the laxative is working!
Last week I went nuts, I tried the fish diet. Seven days all I had was fish. Ended up, I got a craving for worms!

I tell ya - when you have fish, they'll never cook fish in butter, never. "Fishery cooked in its natural oils", you know? Mobile, Sunoco, Texaco, all of that...
I tell ya, that's alright. [applause] I tell ya - wanna lose weight, have sex. Doctor said: when you have sex, you lose 150 calories.
I had sex with one girl, lost even more! Those 150 calories, my watch and my wallet...
But that's the trouble with people, all they worry about looks. Looks don't mean nothing! It's underneath what counts - soul, depth! That's what's important, not looks.
(Yeah, yeah!) Yeah, alright. I mean, how many times you take a walk in the streets, you see a tall, handsome man walking arm-in-arm with a short, fat ugly girl?
I never saw that, d'you ever see? I never saw that, you know? I thought I saw that, you know. I don't know. I tell ya, I meet the wrong people, that's my trouble.
Last week I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette! That's another one, "stop smoking". That's a beauty, huh? "Stop smoking", you know.

I tell you, with cigarettes - my wife and I, we made a deal. We only smoke after sex... I got the same pack now since 1975!
What bothers me is my wife, she's up to three packs a day! You kiddin'?
My wife, all we do is fight about money and sex. I mean, she charges me too much, you know?
I'll tell you one thing, when my wife has sex, she screams. Especially when I walk in on her, ooh!
Now, I tell ya, I got no sex life, you kiddin'? My dog, he's watching me in the bedroom, wants to learn how to beg.
My dog, that's another one. He taught my wife to roll over and play dead!
Hey, and my dog is lazy too. He don't chase cars - he sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
My dog, he's barking at the front door. He don't wanna go out, he wants ME to leave!

I mean, that's the story of my life! No respect, I don't get no respect at all! [applause] Are you kidding? Nothing, no respect at all.
No respect at all from anybody, you kidding? No respect at all... well, my American Express card left home without me!
And yesterday, that was a beauty: my tie was on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe!
I tell ya, it's not easy being me! I was gonna jump off my roof, they called the priest to talk to me. He said "on your mark!"
I mean, the whole thing goes back to my childhood; when on Easter they gave me chocolate bunnies made of Ex-Lax!
And my parents were never nice. When I was six years old, they went through the runaway stage. Every time I turned around, they were gone!
My old man, he never liked me. When he took me hunting, gave me a three minute head start!
And on the way home, he tied me to the fender, put the deer in the car! You kiddin'? [applause] That's alright.
What a childhood I had... when I was born, the doctor told my mother "I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway", you know?

I'll tell you who gets respect: Italian guys! They get respect, eh? Where are you, Italian men here, huh!
Oh yeah? [applause] Alright, don't star no fucking trouble, alright?
Oh yes, we need Italian men, we need 'em: to make love to our women before we marry 'em.
These Jewish girls from Brooklyn won't fool me. They go with Vinny for four years, and now you're who's a good provider, you know?
Oh, Italian guys, you kiddin'? I mean, Italian guys are all over, you kiddin'? My wedding night, my wife called me Dominic!
I'll tell ya, my wife, she never went for me. She was afraid of the dark... she saw me naked, now she's afraid of the light!
Are you kiddin'? My wife, she's an Earth sign, I'm a water sign. Together we make mud!
My wife always gave me trouble. I caught her in bed with the milkman, she made me promise not to tell the butcher!

I tell ya - you get married, look for a good cook. That's what's important, a good cook.
I mean, there's sex so we're off, but you'll always be hungry, I'll tell you that, you know?
My wife, she can't cook either, you kiddin'? Last night I left over a hamburger. She used it to scrub the sink!
She made leg of lamb, I couldn't get past the wool! What a lousy cook... we go on a picnic, I bring tums for the ants!
After every meal, I hear the same doggone thing: "finish the..." [Rodney blunders] oh Jesus Christ.
[To the audience] Okay, you love it when a guy screws up, you love it, that's sure... I'm alright, alright.
And after every meal, I hear the same thing: "Finish the food, there are people starving in Europe!"
I tell her: "Have sex with me, there are guys who are horny in Canada!"

(Rodney, you ever come down south?) What's that? (You ever come down south?)
Yes, in fact, I've had that experience in many parts of the country.
From the south, eh baby? Where you're from down south? (Uh... Texas!)
Texas! You almost forgot for a minute, huh? Great place, I tell ya.
I met a rich guy here last week from Texas. Ooh, rich guy, this guy.
He told me in his ranch, he had 60 hands working in. All on him! Wild guy, wild guy, I'll tell ya that.

(How about Pittsburgh?) How about Pittsburgh? Goddamn show became a geography lesson here, what's going on?
Pittsburgh, a great place, Pittsburgh, great place. I spent... (How about Baltimore, how about Baltimore?)
I'm busy over here, huh? Who made this an open forum suddenly, huh?
(Hey Rodney, how'd you get started?) How did I get started? I was alone in my room, I was 12 years old, I got started.
(Yee-haw!) Yee-haw? That's your story, yee-haw...! Is there something on your mind, or your way of saying you have to urinate?
I don't know what it is, y'know.

(Hey Rodney, what counts in life?) What's that, baby?
(What counts in life?) What counts in life?
(Yeah, what's important?) Usually an adding machine, I assume.
Ask me questions I know about! Drugs, prostitution, things I'm familiar with.
(Woo! Okay, okay...!) Any other questions here?
(What sign are you?) What sign am I? I was born under "For Rent".
(Any pets?) Any pets...? Besides her?
No, I have a dog, his name is Kino. He's a little poodle. He makes me feel like I'm dirty, you know?
He jumps on my bed, and he smells it for 10 minutes before he lays down on it.
(Words of wisdom?) Words of wisdom? Gee... (Yeah, come on!)
There once was a man from Nantucket. [applause] I get my philosophies off a men's room wall.

(How big's your rod?) What's that, baby?
(How big's your rod?) How big's my rod? Don't you remember?
Go, go! Yes, my dear? (Rodney, what is easy money?)
What is easy money? The way you make it, honey, that's easy money. You know what I mean?
You have a question? (Are you a movie star now?) How about being a movie star?
Yeah, I'm in the movies, what the heck. Well, uh... the big screen, huh?
I'm in the movies, I'm gonna see what happens there. I don't know, I don't know.
Movies are very tedious, you know?
(You find it hard being in movies?) ...if I did, I'd stay in movies all the time.

(Rodney, what time does the show start?) What time does the show start? Oh boy... now I know why tigers eat their young.
It's good thing you're wearing a mustache, it breaks up the monotony of your face. No offense.
(When are you going on a diet?) When am I going on a diet...? Thanks.
(Have you been in therapy?) I have been in therapy, yes. I've been through 48 Austrians.
The last guy I saw, I told him I had suicidal tendencies. He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
[applause] That's alright. (Hey, Rodney!) Okay baby, alright. What?
(Why don't you get an honest job?) (ooh...) Don't you hate a pushy dyke?

Hey, d'ya hear about the Polish lesbian, only makes it with guys?
(How's your sex life?) How's my sex life? Why don't you ask four members of your immediate family.
Why don't you ask me something personal? My sex life, you kiddin'? My sex life... my sex life's like shooting pool with a rope.
I tell ya, the first time I had sex it was great. Ooh, the first time I had sex was a beautiful experience, wonderful, you know?
I only wish there'd been someone there to enjoy it with me, you know? That's all.
Ah, but everybody's looking for love: deep love, a lifetime of deep love. I'm looking for a shallow half hour!
Everyone tells me I look for love in the wrong places. I look at one place, that's all!
(What place is that?) What place is that? Where your hand is. [applause] That's alright.

But I'll tell ya, the whole thing is if someone turns you on, right?
You look at someone, they turn you on and ya go through all kinds of bullshit, take all kinds of... if they turn you on, you take a lot of bullshit, baby.
This guy goes out with a beautiful chick, he goes into ether. He looks at a beautiful face, she could say dumb things, he thinks she's brilliant, you know?
"Let's have a bite to eat!" Look how hip she is, she knew she was hungry! She's too much, she's wild, oh-ho...
But if a chick don't turn you on - forget about it. "Let's have a bite to eat!" What the fuck, you hungry again, eh?

Well, that's a... I'm at the end of the line. I'm just hanging around, I'm waiting for my lift home.
My car broke down again... I got a car, I got nothing but trouble. I got the only car dogs chase it and catch it, you know?
And these guys who fix cars, you gotta watch them too, you know. At one place the guy gave me an estimate for $100.
I got the bill, it was $200. I said to him, "How about the estimate for $100?" He says "You're right, I forgot! That makes it $300".
I'll tell you one thing though - with my car, it's always so easy for me to find it. You know, it's always on a lift.
I'm always watching it going up and down, and up and down... I got the only car, that has more miles on it vertically than horizontally!
I'll tell ya, anything with cars I'm unlucky. Always unlucky with cars. No matter what lane I'm in, it always ends in 500 feet, you know?

My wife, she don't help either. The other day she took the car, she got 60 dents in it. She took a shortcut through a driving range!
Oh, my wife took a driver's test, she was happy. She got 18/20 - yeah, two guys jumped out of the way!
I mean it, she can't drive at all! Well, last night she came home, she got a nail in the spare! (Yeah, Rodney!) Alright.
I tell ya, my wife, you kiddin'? My wife with the car, she keeps me broke, are you kiddin'? Who tips at a tollbooth?
My wife's got it too good. When we got married we were poor, she was better off, you know?
(How poor?) How poor? When she was pregnant, she had to hold it in for two years, okay? We're poor, I tell ya.
I mean, poor! Well, we met at a singles' bus stop. [pauses] What, do you wanna fight?
Give you one more chance. We were so poor in my neighborhood, the rainbow was in black and white. Christmas, we decorated a stump.

[car horn] Oh, there's my ride! I gotta go now, okay?
I'll see you around. [applause]
I'll tell you one thing, okay? I'm not gonna lie to you like other acts. They go "Oh, what a great audience, my favorite audience in the whole world, you're the greatest, greatest!"
Bullshit! I can't wait to get the fuck outta here, okay?
I'll see you, huh? Take care. [applause]