Pep Talk

[Tag (over the black screen): "An SNL Digital Short"]

[Dissolve to the interior of a fast-food restaurant decorated for Christmas. The Manager exits his office for a meeting with staff.]

MANAGER: Alright, guys. The holiday season is upon us, and, since we're so close to the mall, it means we're gonna get a lot more foot traffic. So, I kind of need you guys to work as a team.

TIA: [Bored, half-asleep] Is this why you brought us in here at ten o'clock in the morning?

MANAGER: Tia, I really need your full attention here. This is important. I'm gonna ask you guys to start working double shifts.

BRAD: Drew? You couldn't have just put that on the schedule?

MANAGER: Brad? Two seconds: I'm over there, I'm taking you down! Two seconds!

[Brad just stares at the Manager without saying a word]

MANAGER: Where was I? Uh–they're gonna discontinue the Santa Fe Sandwich.. but we still have thеm, so, uh.. pretty much, on the registеr, just press, uh, medium fries twice, that should work.

JORDAN: But.. what if somebody wants two medium fries?

MANAGER: Jordan! [Slaps his manual on the table] I swear to God! Five seconds: I'm over this chair, I'm in your face, and I'm kicking you in the chest!

JORDAN: But I just asked a question!

MANAGER: Jordan! It's going to happen! Now, uh, let's talk a little about the, uh, the drive-thru.

PETE: [Raises his hand] That's me.

MANAGER: Pete! One second: one punch, back of the head! One second!

BRAD: Drew. No one's arguing with you. We all like to work here. We just can't function when you communicate with us like this.

PETE: Yeah.

JORDAN: Right.

TIA: Yeah.

MANAGER: Okay. I see what you're saying. 'Cause I was thinking maybe a little bit more like: Brad! Seven seconds: I'm grabbing you by the collar, your face is in the deep fryer!

BRAD: What?!

MANAGER: Pete! Two seconds: I pull out your eyes, and they're going in the garbage!

PETE: Why?!

MANAGER: Jordan! Twenty seconds: I'm over there, I'm gonna rip out your jaw!

JORDAN: [Incredulous] Twenty seconds?

MANAGER: Tia! Half-second: my ass is in your mouth!

TIA: What?

MANAGER: Twenty-nine-and-a-half seconds, and you're all gone! This is beyond a threat! It's a promise!

TIA: Drew, what's going on with you, man?

MANAGER: [Twists his arms over his head and grits his teeth with a whimper] I don't know! I have an anger problem, I don't know how to control it, you guys are my only friends, I'm sorry!

BRAD: Drew, it's alright. We're all here for you, buddy.

MANAGER: Thanks.

WILL: [Enters the restaurant] Sorry I'm late, guys, what did I miss?

[The Manager clenches his fist and shakes in great distress while growling until his head finally explodes. The staff reacts with jerk reactions]

[Reveal the headless body of the Manager is actually a dummy, the real Manager picks himself up from the floor.]

MANAGER: Okay, guys. Enough fun and games. Let's get back to work.

[Cut to "Lost"-style title card that read: "Happy Holidays"]

[Fade to black over applause]