Laser Cats! 2

[Tag (over the black screen): "An SNL Digital Short"]

[Cut to Lorne Michaels' office where Andy Samberg and Bill Hader are about to offer a proposal to their boss]

BILL: Okay, Lorne, first off, thank you for taking time to meet with us, uh, we know you're really busy.

ANDY: Yeah, now, we know you were not crazy about our last film Laser Cats, and that's totally understandable.

LORNE: Yeah.

BILL: Totally, I mean cats shooting lasers out of their mouths? I mean that's, that's kid stuff.

ANDY: Exactly, and we're adults. And what do adults love? Politics.

BILL: Yeah, so we went out and shot an entirely new film that is just ripped from today's headlines.

ANDY: I think you're gonna be really impressed.

LORNE: Okay.

[Andy puts a VHS tape into a VCR. The film starts with a text crawl]

V/O: Because of the war in Iraq, eventually there was a nuclear war. And bеcause of the radiation, cats devеloped the ability to shoot lasers out of their mouths. Some will use the cats for good, others for evil. Who will win in a world of... Laser Cats!

[Cut to Andy, now as Admiral Spaceship, and Bill, now as Nitro, running around Central Park with toy cats in their arms shooting continuously at the same villain as the titles above the screen read: "Starring: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg. Written by: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg. Directed by: Bill Hader and Andy Samberg".]

[Cut to two scientists standing in front of a whiteboard, holding a medicine jar]

SCIENTIST 1: Well, that's it, we finally found the cure that turns laser cats into regular cats.

SCIENTIST 2: Now the world can live in peace.

DR. SCIENTIST: I'll be taking that.

[Dr. Scientist reaches out with a toy claw and grabs the cure. Scientist 1 gasps]

SCIENTIST 1: Dr. Scientist!

[Dr. Scientist shoots the scientists with a laser]

SCIENTIST 2: Oh!

[Scientist 2 carefully puts her beaker on the table before falling to the ground]

[Back at Home Base, Nitro and Admiral Spaceship play ping pong with a floating red ball that looks like it was made in Microsoft Paint]

NITRO: Let me get this straight, you're never gonna use a laser cat again?

ADMIRAL SPACESHIP: That's right. When I almost died, I realized that violence is bad and laser cats are the problem.

NITRO: Or the solution. Future spike!

[Nitro spikes the ball. Admiral Spaceship misses it]

ADMIRAL SPACESHIP: Argh! Nice shot!

NITRO: Oh, jeez! I'm getting a transmission from the president of the galaxy!

[Nitro presses several invisible buttons on his shoulder belt]

NITRO: Yello? No way! The cure that turns laser cats into regular cats has been stolen!

ADMIRAL SPACESHIP: Dr. Scientist.

NITRO: Let's roll!

[Cut to the duo in walking in the hallway]

NITRO: If we're going to defeat Dr. Scientist, we're gonna need some heavy artillery.

ADMIRAL SPACESHIP: Yeah.

[Nitro puts his hand on a copy machine]

Copy machine: Identity approved. Access granted.

[A whiteboard flips over, revealing an arsenal of toy laser cats]

ADMIRAL SPACESHIP: Ay, caramba.

[Nitro gears up, putting the toy cats in various holsters. He holds up a real cat and offers it to Admiral Spaceship]

NITRO: Here you go. Oh wait, I forgot, you don't use laser cats anymore.

[A satellite image from Google Earth shows a paper spaceship traveling across the US-Canada border. Nitro and Admiral Spaceship ride out of an elevator on a scooter made to look like a shuttle]

NITRO: Touchdown.

ADMIRAL SPACESHIP: Heads up, partner, we're in Dr. Scientist's lair. He's an evil genius.

NITRO: What the—?

[The doors close]

ADMIRAL SPACESHIP: We're trapped!

DR. SCIENTIST: Welcome, Nitro and Admiral Spaceship, Careful with those laser cats, the walls are coated with mirror!

NITRO: Screw that!

ADMIRAL SPACESHIP: No!

[Nitro shoots at one of the walls. The laser bounces off the walls as Nitro and Admiral Spaceship dodge it]

[Cut back to Lorne's office. Bill and Andy have a beer as Lorne watches]

[Back to the movie. Nitro shoots a laser at the door and it disappears]

NITRO: Come on, partner, let's get this bad guy.

ADMIRAL SPACESHIP: Keep your eyes peeled. He could be anywhere.

DR. SCIENTIST: Jenga!

ADMIRAL SPACESHIP: Dr. Scientist.

DR. SCIENTIST: Jenga!

[Dr. Scientist laughs and shoots lasers at Nitro and Admiral Spaceship. Admiral Spaceship seeks cover as Nitro shoots back. Nitro's cat stops shooting]

NITRO: Damn! Gotta reload!

[Nitro puts a real cat down in front of a food bowl. The cat starts eating]

NITRO: Come on [?]. Eat up [?]. Reloaded!

ADMIRAL SPACESHIP: Shoot him!

DR. SCIENTIST: [?]

ADMIRAL SPACESHIP: Use the sniper cat!

[Nitro holds up a toy cat with a cardboard scope on it]

NITRO: I can't get a shot! He's moving around too much!

DR. SCIENTIST: Eat laser!

[Dr. Scientist hits Nitro with a laser. Nitro falls down]

ADMIRAL SPACESHIP: No! Nitro!

[Dr. Scientist walks toward Admiral Spaceship]

DR. SCIENTIST: Looks like it's the end of the line, Andymiral Spaceship.

ADMIRAL SPACESHIP: That may be, but you're forgetting one thing.

[Dr. Scientist laughs]

DR. SCIENTIST: What's that?

ADMIRAL SPACESHIP: I just started using laser cats again.

[Admiral Spaceship cocks a laser cat and shoots Dr. Scientist in the head. Blood splatters on a nearby door. Admiral Spaceship helps Nitro up]

ADMIRAL SPACESHIP: You okay, Nitro?

NITRO: Yeah buddy, that was too close.

ADMIRAL SPACESHIP: You said it. Hey, what do you say we head back to base and drinks some space beers?

NITRO: I'm already there.

[They laugh and high five. White words pop up reading "The End."]

[Cut back to Lorne's office]

ANDY: So, is that great or what?

LORNE: No.

BILL: Do you want us to leave?

LORNE: Yes.

[Andy and Bill nod]

LORNE: Now.

ANDY: Right.

BILL: Thanks for your time.

[The two leave Lorne's office as the screen fades to black]