Monologue for Leonard Bernstein

[BYCK, spoken]
[Byck starts up the recording machine and speaks into the microphone]
Hello, Mr. Bernstein? Lenny? How ya doin'? My name is Sam Byck; we've never met. You're a world-renowned composer and conductor who travels the world over enjoying one success after another, and I'm an out-of-work tire salesman, so I guess that’s not surprisin'.

But I hope you'll take a few minutes out of your busy schedule to listen to this tape which you just opened in the mail. And if you can't listen to it now, maybe you can listen to it—

(sung)
Tonight, tonight!

(spoken)
Ha ha ha! I love that song! What a melody and what a sentiment! "Tonight, tonight, I'll meet my love tonight!" Where is she, Lenny?! Give me a hint!

Lenny, you're a modest kind of guy, I know that. But you'll indulge me for a minute if I say somethin' from the heart... You're a genius! Yes, you are! And you know why? 'Cause you understand what people want; you have their ear, you make them listen, Lenny! No one listens, are you listenin'? No one listens!

Well, if you're hearing this, I guess you're listenin' now, right? So, with all due respect, deferring to your stature in the world of music, classical and semi-classical, I wanna offer you a small piece of advice—hey, I know what you're thinkin': "Who the hell is Sam Byck with his fat ass and his tongue on rye to give a shit hot guy such as yourself advice?"

Well, Lenny, it's a fact that my unwillingness to compromise my principles, and kiss ass like some people has cost me the so-called good life which other have enjoyed. So be it, Len! Fuck me, fuck you! But listen, Lenny. Listen to one small piece of advice from a true fan: forget the long hair shit, and write what you write best! Love songs! They're what we need! They're what the world needs! "Lonely Town", "Maria"! Tender melodies to cherish for a lifetime! Timeless strains which linger in the memory and the heart! Love, Lenny! What the world needs now is love, sweet love! Love makes the world go round, Lenny.

Well, not exactly. Bullshit makes the world go round. You know that all too well, a worldly guy such as yourself. Y'know the world's a vicious, stinkin' pit of emptiness and pain? Well, not for long. I'm gonna change things, Lenny. I'm gonna drop a 747 onto the White House and incinerate Dick Nixon. It's gonna make the news. You're gonna hear about it, and I know what you're gonna ask yourself: "What kind of world is this where a decent, stand-up guy like Sam Byck has to crash a plane into the President to make a point?".

You're gonna wonder if you wanna go on livin' in a world like that. Well, let me tell you, Len: you do. And you know why? So you can keep on writing love songs, yes! It's a gorgeous world out there! A world of unicorns and waterfalls and puppy dogs, and you can save it, Lenny! Through the medium of your god-given talent. Do it, Lenny, save the world! Is that too much to ask?

Oh, and Lenny, one more thing. If you hear about my death, you're gonna wonder if there was somethin' more you coulda done... Lenny, you did everything you could.

[BYCK stops the recording for a moment and pauses before pressing the play button to resume.]

Well, maybe not everything. Maybe not absolutely everything, y'know. Maybe one day you coulda picked up a phone, just picked up a phone and say "Hey, Sammy, how's it goin'? Hang in there Sam, this Bud's for you!". How long would that have taken ya? A minute, a half a minute? That was too much, wasn't it? Hurry in your limo, double-parked. You and your shit hot buddies had a plane to catch to Paris, France for dinner and a blow job.

Hey, I understand. I understand too well, my friend. You're just like all the rest of 'em. Jonas Salk, Jack Anderson, Hank Aaron. You knew where I was, you all did, and you know what you did? You left me there! You jerks! You shits! You pricks! You had your chance and now it's too damn late! Fuck me?! Fuck you!

I'm outta here. I'm history, Lenny. Understand? I'm history.

(sung)
I like to be in America!
Okay for me in America!
Knobs on the doors in America!
Wall-to-wall floors in America!