“Have It Your Way.”

[BYCK, spoken]
Have it your way, have it your way. You know what my way is? Hot. How 'bout a hamburger that's fuckin' hot!?
(shouting) DON'T BLAME ME, I'M FROM MASSACHUSETTS!

Dick! You still there babe? Sorry about that. Ten miles from the airport, I'm startin' to lose it here. Stay with me baby, talk me down. You know, Dick—in this, the waning hours of your administration, it seems appropriate to look back at your long years of public service and to conclude that as our President, you really bit the big one. Wazoo city babe, what can I say?

And you know what—this cracks me up—I voted for you. Yes, I gave you my vote, my sacred democratic trust. And you know what you did? You pissed all over it! Ah what the hell, guys like you, you piss all over everything. You piss all over the country, you piss all over yourselves, you piss all over me. Yeah, yeah I know: "Sam, don't say it! You're my main man. Guys like you, you're the backbone of the nation. Sammy—"
(shouting) SHUT UP DICK! I'M TALKIN' NOW! ALRIGHT! I'M TALKIN' AND YOU'RE LISTENIN'!

Here. Have you seen the papers lately? Grandma lives in packing crate. Sewage closes Jersey beaches. Saudi prince buys Howard Johnsons. What the hell is goin' on here, Dick!? It wasn't supposed to be like this. It wasn't, but it is. And schmucks like you, you're tellin' us it isn't? "Everything's fine, it's great, it's Miller time." What Miller time!? The woods are burnin', Dick. What can we do? We want to make things better. How? "Let's hold an election." Great. The Democrat says he'll fix everything the Republicans fucked up. The Republican says he'll fix everything the Democrats fucked up. Who's tellin' us the truth? Who's lyin'? Someone's lyin'—who? We read, we guess, we argue, but deep down we know that we don't know. How can we? Oil embargos, megatons, holes in the ozone—who can understand this crap?

We need to believe, to trust, like little kids, that someone wants what's best for us. That someone's lookin' out for us, that someone loves us. Do they? No, they lie to us. They lie about what's right, they lie about what's wrong, they lie about the FUCKIN' HAMBURGERS!

And when we realize they're lying, really realize it in our gut, then we get scared. Then we get terrified, like children waking in the dark, we don't know where we are. "I had a bad dream. Mommy, Daddy, Sammy had a nightmare." And then Daddy comes and takes me in his arms and says, "It's okay Sammy, Daddy's here. I love you kid. Your Mommy doesn't, but I do." And then Mommy comes and holds me tight and says, "I gotcha bubula. I'm here for you. Your daddy isn't, but I am." And then where are we? Who do we believe? Who do we trust? What do we do?

We do the only thing we can do. We kill the President.