Me and My Dick Medley (Live)

[BRIAN H, spoken]
Alright, right now we're gonna take it all the way back to our first year as a company, 2009. This is a classic tale. A story of, a love story of a boy and a girl, and their talking penises and vaginas. With music by AJ Holmes, Carlos Valdes and Darren Criss, please enjoy some songs from 'Me and my d-'

[JOEY]
I wake up in the morning
And it's nothing new
Run through my mind for hours
Still I just want you
You're all I want, you're all I need
My love for you just grows the way you do
When I love you

I wanna hold you all night long
And cuddle 'til we're blue
I'll wrap you in a tight embrace
I know it seems taboo
But I have to have you with me now
I have to have you quick
I love you more than anything
My-

[JOE W, spoken]
Hey, Joey! Hey good morning. How'd you sleep last night?

[JOEY, spoken]
Oh hey, what's up buddy?

[JOE W, spoken]
I slept really well last night *muttering on*

[JOEY, spoken]
Good good. Wow, you are really rowdy this morning. This is crazy

[JOE W & JOEY]
I like being with you (and I like being with you)
And you like being with me (and you like being with me)

[JOE W & JOEY]
We're just the best of friends
As anyone can see
People say it's quite unlikely
The two of us should stick
But I just tell them, "Hey!"

[AJ]
Listen to your heart, Joey
Listen to your heart

[JOEY, spoken]
Ohh, okay...

[AJ]
Comb your hair and smile
That's a start

[JOEY, spoken]
Alright

[AJ]
Wipe that schmutz right off your cheek
Give her a glimpse of that fine physique, ooh!
And a splash of cologne will delight
Treat the lady right, Joey
Treat the lady right

[JOEY, spoken]
Do I smell?

[AJ, spoken]
Pretty bad

(sung)
Take off your hat and always be polite
Make her a mixtape with songs about love
Knit her a sweater that fits like a glove, ooh!
The two of you will never be apart
Joey, listen to your heart!

[JOEY, spoken]
Alright!

[AJ, spoken]
Dance with me, Joey!

[JOEY, spoken]
Sure

[AJ, spoken]
It's called a box step, Joey

[JOEY, spoken]
Oh, I'm doing it this time

[AJ, spoken]
Joey, I learned this on Broadway!

[JOEY, spoken]
Oh, what a move, baby!

[AJ, spoken]
We're gonna hop now, Joey. Here we go. Ahoo! Over here, baby!

[JOEY, spoken]
Ahoo! Over there!

[AJ, spoken]
Ahoo! Over here, baby!

[JOEY, spoken]
Ahoo! Over there!

[AJ, spoken]
Good boy, Joey! Bring it home, baby!

(sung)
Watcha gonna do?

[JOEY]
I'm gonna listen to my heart

[AJ]
Oh, buddy! It's my big debut!

[JOEY]
I'm gonna listen to my heart!

[JOEY & AJ]
I'm/Your gonna listen
Listen
To my/your
Heart!

[ALLE-FAYE]
Hey Vaness, OMG would you guess
That I'm not wearing undies today

[ALI, spoken]
Eww

(sung)
Oh, Tiff, LOL what's the diff
You would still take them off anyway

[ALLE-FAYE]
IKR

[ALI]
BTW

[ALLE-FAYE & ALI]
Where are you right now?

[ALLE-FAYE]
We need to talk

[ALI]
Oh, I totes see you

[ALLE-FAYE & ALI]
BRB, ciao ciao

[ALLE-FAYE]
Listen up, Vanessa, sweetie
I do this 'cause I care

[ALI, spoken]
I know

[ALLE-FAYE]
This is war forget your peace treaty
Justice is right over there!

[ALI]
I guess I could use a new guy
'Cause it's been a while
And I am still so young
Why not give it a try?
At the very least it could be kinda fun

[ALLE-FAYE]
Hey now, Vanessa
That's the girl I know and love

[ALI]
I've been so boring
Boy, I'm glad I had a little shove

[ALLE-FAYE & ALI]
Tick tock while the iron's hot
There's no time to take it slow
We're finally ready
So ready to-

[ALL]
Go! Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
I'm ready to go! Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
I'm ready to go! Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
I'm ready to go! Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh

We're finally ready
And the time is right for us to light a spark
We're keeping it steady
With our eyes on the prize
To get us through the dark

I know there's so much more
To what I think I see
I feel a change and the strange thing is
It's part of me
My hormones are freakin' out
And I think I'm gonna blow

[ENSEMBLE]
We're locked and loaded (oh so devoted)
Low and demoted (totes, just toted)

[ALL]
We're finally ready
So ready to go!