Lysistrata (Section 3)

STRATYLLIS (caught)
Let me go!

WOMEN
You villainous old men, what's this you do?
No honest man, no pious man, could do such things as you.

MEN
Ah ha, here's something most original, I have no doubt:
A swarm of women sentinels to man the walls without.

WOMEN
So then we scare you, do we? Do we seem a fearful host?
You only see the smallest fraction mustered at this post.

MEN
Ho, Phaedrias, shall we put a stop to all these chattering tricks?
Suppose that now upon their backs we splintered these our sticks?

WOMEN
Let us lay down the pitchers, so our bodies will be free
In case these lumping fellows try to cause some injury.

MEN
O hit them hard and hit again and hit until they run away,
And perhaps they'll learn, like Bupalus, not to have too much to say.

WOMEN
Come on, then--do it! I won't budge, but like a dog I'll bite
At every little scrap of meat that dangles in my sight.

MEN
Be quiet, or I'll bash you out of any years to come.

WOMEN
Now you just touch Stratyllis with the top-joint of your thumb.

MEN
What vengeance can you take if with my fists your face I beat?

WOMEN
I'll rip you with my teeth and strew your entrails at your feet.

MEN
Now I appreciate Euripides' strange subtlety:
Woman is the most shameless beast of all the beasts that be.

WOMEN
Rhodippe, come, and let's pick up our water-jars once more.

MEN
Ah cursed drab, what have you brought this water for?

WOMEN
What is your fire for then, you smelly corpse? Yourself to burn?

MEN
To build a pyre and make your comrades ready for the urn.

WOMEN
And I've the water to put out your fire immediately.

MEN
What, you put out my fire?

WOMEN
Yes, sirrah, as you soon will see.

MEN
I don't know why I hesitate to roast you with this flame.

WOMEN
If you have any soap you'll go off cleaner than you came.

MEN
Cleaner, you dirty slut?

WOMEN
A nuptial-bath in which to lie.

MEN
Did you hear that insolence?

WOMEN
I'm a free woman, I.

MEN
I'll make you hold your tongue.

WOMEN
Henceforth you'll serve in no more juries.

MEN
Burn off her hair for her.

WOMEN
Now forward, water, quench their furies!

MEN
O dear, O dear!

WOMEN
So ... was it hot?

MEN
Hot! ... Enough, O hold.

WOMEN
Watered, perhaps you'll bloom again--why not?

MEN
Brrr, I'm wrinkled up from shivering with cold.

WOMEN
Next time you've fire you'll warm yourself and leave us to our lot.

MAGISTRATE enters with attendant SCYTHIANS.

MAGISTRATE
Have the luxurious rites of the women glittered
Their libertine show,
their drumming tapped out crowds,
The Sabazian Mysteries summoned their mob,
Adonis been wept to death on the terraces,
As I could hear the last day in the Assembly?
For Demostratus--let bad luck befoul him--
Was roaring, "We must sail for Sicily,"
While a woman, throwing herself about in a dance
Lopsided with drink, was
shrilling out "Adonis,
Woe for Adonis." Then Demostratus shouted,
"We must levy hoplites at Zacynthus,"
And there the woman, up to the ears in wine,
Was screaming "Weep for Adonis" on the house-top,
The scoundrelly politician, that lunatic ox,
Bellowing bad advice through tipsy shrieks:
Such are the follies wantoning in them.

MEN
O if you knew their full effrontery!
All of the insults they've done, besides sousing us
With water from their pots to our public disgrace
For we stand here wringing our clothes like grown-up infants.

MAGISTRATE
By Poseidon, justly done! For in part with us
The blame must lie for dissolute behaviour
And for the pampered appetites they learn.
Thus grows the seedling lust to blossoming:
We go into a shop and
say, "Here, goldsmith,
You remember the necklace that you wrought my wife;
Well, the other night in fervour of a dance
Her clasp broke open. Now I'm off for Salamis;
If you've the leisure, would you go tonight
And stick a bolt-pin into her opened clasp."
Another goes to a cobbler; a soldierly fellow,
Always standing up erect, and says to him,
"Cobbler, a sandal-strap of my wife's pinches her,
Hurts her little toe in a place where she's sensitive.
Come at noon and see if you can stretch out wider
This thing that troubles her, loosen its tightness."
And so you view the result. Observe my case--
I, a magistrate, come here to draw
Money to buy oar-blades, and what happens?
The women slam the door full in my face.
But standing still's no use. Bring me a crowbar,
And I'll chastise this their impertinence.
What do you gape at, wretch, with dazzled eyes?
Peering for a tavern, I suppose.
Come, force the gates with crowbars, prise them apart!
I'll prise away myself too.... (LYSISTRATA appears.)

LYSISTRATA
Stop this banging.
I'm coming of my own accord.... Why bars?
It is not bars we need but common sense.

MAGISTRATE
Indeed, you slut! Where is the archer now?
Arrest this woman, tie her hands behind.

LYSISTRATA
The public menial, he'll be sorry for it.

MAGISTRATE
Are you afraid? Grab her about the middle.
Two of you then, lay hands on her and end it.

CALONICE
By Pandrosos I if your hand touches her
I'll spread you out and trample on your guts.

MAGISTRATE
My guts! Where is the other archer gone?
Bind that minx there who talks so prettily.

MYRRHINE
By Phosphor, if your hand moves out her way
You'd better have a
surgeon somewhere handy.

MAGISTRATE
You too! Where is that archer? Take that woman.
I'll put a stop to these surprise-parties.

STRATYLLIS
By the Tauric Artemis, one inch nearer
My fingers, and it's a bald man that'll be yelling.

MAGISTRATE
Tut tut, what's here? Deserted by my archers....
But surely women never can defeat us;
Close up your ranks, my Scythians. Forward at them.

LYSISTRATA
By the Goddesses, you'll find that here await you
Four companies of most pugnacious women
Armed cap-a-pie from the topmost louring curl To the lowest angry dimple.

MAGISTRATE
On, Scythians, bind them.

LYSISTRATA
On, gallant allies of our high design,
Vendors of grain-eggs-pulse-and-vegetables,
Ye garlic-tavern-keepers of bakeries,
Strike, batter, knock, hit, slap, and scratch our foes,
Be finely imprudent, say what you think of them....
Enough! retire and do not rob the dead.

MAGISTRATE
How basely did my archer-force come off.

LYSISTRATA
Ah, ha, you thought it was a herd of slaves
You had to tackle, and you didn't guess
The thirst for glory ardent in our blood.

MAGISTRATE
By Apollo, I know well the thirst that heats you--
Especially when a wine-skin's close.

MEN
You waste your breath, dear magistrate, I fear, in answering back.
What's the good of argument with such a rampageous pack?
Remember how they washed us down (these very clothes I wore)
With water that looked nasty and that smelt so even more.

WOMEN
What else to do, since you advanced too dangerously nigh.
If you should do the same again, I'll punch you in the eye.
Though I'm a stay-at-home and most a quiet life enjoy,
Polite to all and every (for I'm naturally coy),
Still if you wake a wasps' nest then of wasps you must beware.

MEN
How may this ferocity be tamed? It grows too great to bear.
Let us question them and find if they'll perchance declare
The reason why they strangely dare
To seize on Cranaos' citadel,
This eyrie inaccessible,
This shrine above the precipice,
The Acropolis.
Probe them and find what they mean with this idle talk; listen,
But watch they don't try to deceive.
You'd be neglecting your duty most certainly if now this mystery unplumbed you leave.

MAGISTRATE
Women there! Tell what I ask you, directly....
Come, without rambling, I wish you to state
What's your rebellious intention in barring up thus on our noses our own temple-gate.

LYSISTRATA
To take first the treasury out of your management, and so stop the war through the absence of gold.

MAGISTRATE
Is gold then the cause of the war?

LYSISTRATA
Yes, gold caused it and miseries more, too many to be told.
'Twas for money, and money alone, that Pisander with all of the army of mob-agitators. Raised up revolutions. But, as for the future, it won't be worth while to set up to be traitors.
Not an obol they'll get as their loot, not an obol! while we have the treasure-chest in our command.

MAGISTRATE
What then is that you propose?

LYSISTRATA
Just this--merely to take the exchequer henceforth in hand.

MAGISTRATE
The exchequer!

LYSISTRATA
Yes, why not? Of our capabilities you have had various clear evidences.
Firstly remember we have always administered soundly the budget of all home-expenses.

MAGISTRATE
But this matter's different.

LYSISTRATA
How is it different?

MAGISTRATE
Why, it deals chiefly with war-time supplies.

LYSISTRATA
But we abolish war straight by our policy.

MAGISTRATE
What will you do if emergencies arise?

LYSISTRATA
Face them our own way.

MAGISTRATE
What you will?

LYSISTRATA
Yes we will!

MAGISTRATE

LYSISTRATA
No, willy-nilly you must be safeguarded.

MAGISTRATE
What madness is this?

LYSISTRATA
Why, it seems you're annoyed.
It must be done, that's all.

MAGISTRATE
O never in the past yet I bore.

LYSISTRATA
You must be saved, sirrah--that's all there is to it.

MAGISTRATE
If we don't want to be saved?

LYSISTRATA
All the more.

MAGISTRATE
Why do you women come prying and meddling in matters of state touching
war-time and peace?

LYSISTRATA
That I will tell you.

MAGISTRATE
O tell me or quickly I'll--

LYSISTRATA
Hearken awhile and from threatening cease.

MAGISTRATE
I cannot, I cannot; it's growing too insolent.

WOMEN
Come on; you've far more than we have to dread.

MAGISTRATE
Stop from your croaking, old carrion-crow there....
Continue.

LYSISTRATA
Be calm then and I'll go ahead.
All the long years when the hopeless war dragged along we, unassuming, forgotten in quiet,
Endured without question, endured in our loneliness all your incessant child's antics and riot.
Our lips we kept tied, though aching with silence, though well all the while in our silence we knew How wretchedly everything still was progressing by listening dumbly the day long to you.
For always at home you continued discussing the war and its politics loudly, and we Sometimes would ask you, our hearts deep with sorrowing though we spoke lightly, though happy to see,
"What's to be inscribed on the side of the Treaty-stone
What, dear, was said in the Assembly today?"
"Mind your own business," he'd answer me growlingly "hold your tongue, woman, or else go away."
And so I would hold it.

WOMEN
I'd not be silent for any man living on earth, no, not I!

MAGISTRATE
Not for a staff?

LYSISTRATA
Well, so I did nothing but sit in the house, feeling dreary, and sigh,
While ever arrived some fresh tale of decisions more foolish by far and presaging disaster. Then I would say to him, "O my dear husband, why still do they rush on destruction the faster?"
At which he would look at me sideways, exclaiming, "Keep for your web and your shuttle your care, Or for some hours hence your cheeks will be sore and hot; leave this alone, war is Man's sole affair!"

MAGISTRATE
By Zeus, but a man of fine sense, he.

LYSISTRATA
How sensible?
You dotard, because he at no time had lent
His intractable ears to absorb from our counsel one temperate word of advice, kindly meant? But when at the last in the streets we heard shouted (everywhere ringing the ominous cry)
"Is there no one to help us, no saviour in Athens?" and, "No, there is no one," come back in reply.
At once a convention of all wives through Hellas here for a serious purpose was held, To determine how husbands might yet back to wisdom despite their reluctance in time be compelled. Why then delay any longer? It's settled. For the future you'll take up our old occupation.
Now in turn you're to hold tongue, as we did, and listen while we show the way to recover the nation.

MAGISTRATE
You talk to us! Why, you're mad. I'll not stand it.

LYSISTRATA
Cease babbling, you fool; till I end, hold your tongue.

MAGISTRATE
If I should take orders from one who wears veils, may my neck straightaway be deservedly wrung.

LYSISTRATA
O if that keeps pestering you, I've a veil here for your hair,
I'll fit you out in everything
As is only fair.

CALONICE
Here's a spindle that will do.

MYRRHINE
I'll add a wool-basket too.

LYSISTRATA
Girdled now sit humbly at home,
Munching beans, while you card wool and comb. For war from now on is the Women's affair.

WOMEN.
Come then, down pitchers, all,
And on, courageous of heart,
In our comradely venture
Each taking her due part.

I could dance, dance, dance, and be fresher after,
I could dance away numberless suns,
To no weariness let my knees bend.
Earth I could brave with laughter,
Having such wonderful girls here to friend.
O the daring, the gracious, the beautiful ones!
Their courage unswerving and witty
Will rescue our city.

O sprung from the seed of most valiant-wombed grand-mothers,
Scions of savage and dangerous nettles!
Prepare for the battle, all. Gird up your angers. Our way the wind of sweet victory settles.

LYSISTRATA
O tender Eros and Lady of Cyprus, some flush of beauty I pray you devise
To flash on our bosoms and, O Aphrodite, rosily gleam on our valorous thighs!
Joy will raise up its head through the legions warring and all of the far-serried ranks of mad-love
Bristle the earth to the pillared horizon, pointing in vain to the heavens above.
I think that perhaps then they'll give us our title--
Peace-makers.

MAGISTRATE
What do you
mean? Please explain.

LYSISTRATA
First, we'll not see you now flourishing arms about into the
Marketing-place clang again.

WOMEN
No, by the Paphian.

LYSISTRATA
Still I can conjure them as past were the herbs stand or crockery's sold
Like Corybants jingling (poor sots) fully armoured, they noisily round on their promenade strolled.

MAGISTRATE
And rightly; that's discipline, they--

LYSISTRATA
But what's sillier than to go on an errand of buying a fish
Carrying long an immense. Gorgon-buckler instead the usual platter or dish?
A phylarch I lately saw, mounted on horse-back, dressed for the part with long ringlets and all,
Stow in his helmet the omelet bought steaming from an old woman who kept a food-stall. Nearby a soldier, a Thracian, was shaking wildly his spear like Tereus in the play,
To frighten a fig-girl while unseen the ruffian filched from
Her fruit-trays the ripest away.

MAGISTRATE
How, may I ask, will your rule re-establish order and justice in lands
so tormented?

LYSISTRATA
Nothing is easier.

MAGISTRATE
Out with it speedily--what is this plan that you boast you've invented?

LYSISTRATA
If, when yarn we are winding, It chances to tangle, then, as perchance you
may know, through the skein
This way and that still the spool we keep
passing till it is finally clear all again:
So to untangle the
War and its errors, ambassadors out on all sides we will send
This way and that, here, there and round about--soon you will find that the
War has an end.

MAGISTRATE
So with these trivial tricks of the household, domestic analogies of threads, skeins and spools,
You think that you'll solve such a bitter complexity, unwind such political problems, you fools!

LYSISTRATA
Well, first as we wash dirty wool so's to cleanse it, so with a pitiless zeal we will scrub
Through the whole city for all greasy fellows; burrs too, the parasites, off we will rub.
That verminous plague of insensate place-seekers soon between thumb and forefinger we'll crack.
All who inside Athens' walls have their dwelling into one great common basket we'll pack.
Disenfranchised or citizens, allies or aliens, pell-mell the lot of them in we will squeeze.
Till they discover humanity's meaning.... As for disjointed and far colonies,
Them you must never from this time imagine as scattered about just like lost hanks of wool.
Each portion we'll take and wind in to this centre, inward to Athens each loyalty pull,
Till from the vast heap where all's piled together at last can be woven a strong Cloak of State.

MAGISTRATE
How terrible is it to stand here and watch them carding and winding at will with our fate,
Witless in war as they are.

LYSISTRATA
What of us then, who ever in vain for our children must weep
Borne but to perish afar and in vain?

MAGISTRATE
Not that, O let that one memory sleep!

LYSISTRATA
Then while we should be companioned still merrily, happy as brides may, the livelong night,
Kissing youth by, we are forced to lie single....
But leave for a moment our pitiful plight,
It hurts even more to behold the poor maidens helpless wrinkling in staler virginity.

MAGISTRATE
Does not a man age?

LYSISTRATA
Not in the same way. Not as a woman grows withered, grows he.
He, when returned from the war, though grey-headed, yet if he wishes can choose out a wife.
But she has no solace save peering for omens, wretched and
lonely the rest of her life.

MAGISTRATE
But the old man will often select--

LYSISTRATA
O why not finish and die?
A bier is easy to buy,
A honey-cake
I'll knead you with joy,
This garland will see you are decked.

CALONICE
I've a wreath for you too.

MYRRHINE
I also will fillet you.

LYSISTRATA
What more is lacking? Step aboard the boat.
See, Charon shouts ahoy.
You're keeping him, he wants to shove afloat.

MAGISTRATE
Outrageous insults! Thus my place to flout!
Now to my fellow-magistrates I'll go
And what you've perpetrated on me show.

��LYSISTRATA
Why are you blaming us for laying you out?
Assure yourself we'll not forget to make
The third day offering early for your sake.

MAGISTRATE retires,         LYSISTRATA returns within.