Life Is a Competition

[KEN BLUNDELL, spoken]
Stop smiling. Look aggressive! I want to see a pack of great white sharks, hungry for gold medals.
[sung]
Right from the beginning, everyone of us is swimming
Sperm's in a race, competing for an egg
And like the Olympics, there can only be one winner
The losers end up as a wet spot, dead
A crusty defeat, a stain on a sheet
A tissue in a toilet, a drop on the seat
Now give me 110%, or you can piss right off from the main event

[COMPANY]
Life is a competition
Anything less than perfection
Takes you in the wrong direction
Training is repetitive, repetitive
Have to be the best you can
’Cause life's a competition, and
To be complete, you must compete
And to compete, you must be competitive (yeah)

[MURIEL HESLOP, spoken]
Ken? I sent you an email, about your post on Marry Me Already? About the ma--

[KEN, spoken]
Shhh. Mariel? Uhh, uh.. take a few more photos. Look like barracudas! No, piranhas! Piranhas feasting on sharks! So, Mariel, do you.. do any swimming?

[MURIEL, spoken]
What? No. You looked younger in the picture you sent.

[KEN, spoken]
Shkuratov!

[MURIEL, spoken]
Bless you.

[KEN, spoken]
Alexander Shkuratov, Mariel Heslop.

[MURIEL, spoken]
I feel like we've met before.

[ALEXANDER SHKURATOV, spoken]
I feel like we should not meet... ever.

[KEN, spoken]
Shkuratov!

[ENSEMBLE, spoken]
Bless you!

[ALEXANDER, spoken]
Shut up!

[KEN, spoken]
Sit! Now, Mariel, you’ve probably heard about how badly Russia treats its LGBTQ.. RSTUV people.

[MURIEL, spoken]
They do?

[KEN, spoken]
Yeah, well, they've just been banned from the next Olympics for opening fire on a lesbian protest rally. Which is bad news for Alex here.

[MURIEL, spoken]
Are you a lesbian?

[ALEXANDER, spoken]
What?

[MURIEL, spoken]
Ho-ho-ho-ho, I don't know why I just said that, haha, haha.

[KEN, spoken]
Well, I suppose it is funny.. in a.. in a way. No, Alex is Russian.

[ALEXANDER, spoken]
Do I look queer to you?

[KEN, spoken]
And not homophobic in any way, are you, Alex?

[ALEXANDER, spoken]
I love Ian Thorpe.

[KEN, spoken]
There you go.

[ALEXANDER, spoken]
And Kylie Minogue. And the Sydney Mardi Gras. And the films of Baz Luhrmann.

[KEN, spoken]
Okay, Alex, we get the point.

[ALEXANDER, spoken]
But I'm not gay, alright?

[ENSEMBLE]
So not gay

[ALEXANDER, spoken]
Shut up, Australian losers!

[KEN]
Ugh, ugh
He's so not gay, but he's a brilliant swimmer
He was born with fins, the limbs of a winner
He's a future champion, huge potential
Olympic medals, gold credentials
He's keen to join Team Australia
Without citizenship, he’s doomed to fail ya
He needs an Aussie bride, a perfect match
He’ll get $50,000 cold hard cash

[ENSEMBLE]
Life is a competition
Winning at times requires deception
Slight of hand or misdirection

[KEN]
Is that fair?

[ENSEMBLE]
You bet it is
Have to be the best you can

[KEN, spoken]
Now, I've worked out the story of your whirlwind romance.

[ENSEMBLE]
Life’s a competition and

[KEN, spoken]
The details of which you're gonna have to memorise.

[ENSEMBLE]
To be complete you must compete

[KEN, spoken]
The important thing is to convnce the immigration authorities and the media that you two are really in love.

[ENSEMBLE]
To compete you must be competitive

[KEN, spoken]
What I'm asking, Mariel, is, would you have difficulty lying to every person on the planet about your attraction to Alex?