Kiss My Mezuzah

This is the place
Is it what you expected
You should have seen
All the ones I rejected
Cozy and comfy
What I humbly call home
But the truth is
A man shouldn’t be alone
Don’t be confused
There is nothing to decide
Consider it insisted
You’re coming inside
I want you to
Kiss my mezuzah
Just throw all your things on the bench
Blessed are you, and oh yeah, me too
You’re in the home of a mensch
That is the living room
Is it what you expected
Admittedly the upholstery
Is a little bit neglected
Cozy and comfy
That’s a sixty-inch plasma
The HEPA filter’s noisy
But it’s good for my asthma
Don’t be confused
There is nothing to decide
Consider it insisted
You’re coming inside
I want you to
Kiss my mezuzah
Relax, unwind, unclench
Blessed are you and, oh yeah me too
You’re in the living room of a mensch
That is the kitchen
Is it what you expected
Wednesdays the whole place
Gets disinfected
Cozy and comfy
That’s granite, it’s nice
The line to the freezer
Has a filter for the ice
Don’t be confused
There is nothing to decide
Consider it insisted
Go on, go inside
Remember that I want you to
Kiss my mezuzah
My thirst has found its quench
Blessed are you and everything that you’ll do
Catering to the kosher culinary needs of your mensch
That is the bedroom
Where is done what’s expected
All of my biblical needs
Are respected
Dark velvet curtains
That block out the light
Just for the record
I sleep on the right
Don’t be confused
There is nothing to decide
Consider it insisted
We’ll not yet go inside
But when we do, I’m going to want you to
Kiss my mezuzah
Redecorate, make it French
Blessed is thee, et oui, moi aussi
You’ll be commanded to please your mensch
That is my office
A little unexpected
A list of conditions
So both of us are protected
Cozy and comfy
Are things when they’re working
But God only knows
There is danger that’s lurking
Don’t be confused
There is nothing to decide
Just sign on the line
Go on, just step inside
Or if not, I’ll just
Kiss my own mezuzah
I’m resilient, I can always retrench
Blessed am I, for always standing by
The needs of this fine, available, attractive
Secure, well-rounded, intelligent, lonely mensch