Impossible Girls

I don’t really watch porn
Really!
I haven’t watched it much
Since I got into the business
My business is the girls
Most girls in this business
Only last for four months
But the girls that I take
Tend to last a few years

So, if a girl wants my help
And she shows up on time
And they seldom show up on time
I give ‘em my schtick
There are three parts to this job:
There's the sucking part, the fucking part, and the ‘don’t make me look bad’ part

These girls
These impossible girls
Unreliable and lazy
These girls
These remarkable girls
So needy and so crazy
Really, they call me Jew Hefner
‘Cause I’m just like their mother
Only Jewish and a man
Hmm...

Part one of my schtick
Like I say, its professional
Like a real job, like working at IBM
A lot of times you might be doing
Something you don’t like
But if you’re working in an office
And we tell you to file something
And you don’t like filing
That’s tough luck

The next part of the schtick
Is I tell ‘em, if you got the choice
Between rich and famous, take the rich!
And like a lot of girls
Think rich and famous are the same
And that's why lots of famous porn stars have no money

Most of the girls in the business
When they’re forty years old
Working at Denny’s
Wondering “what the fuck happened to my life?”
The trouble with these girls
They’re terrible with money
I take their checks and put them in a Roth IRA
Where they can’t just cash it and spend it all today

‘Cause these girls, if they’re smart
They can do pretty good
I love the ones with a plan
Who are nobody’s fool
There’s one who bought a stake in a major fast food franchise
While she takes night classes at business school
And another one who’s like an ex-marine intelligence analyst
She’s getting her Masters to be a screenwriter
And she’s like into really heavy hardcore bondage
But honestly, the bondage girls tend to be brighter

This one girl
I met her at the Starbucks and I go, “Well what do you do?”
And this girl
She goes “I like rough sex
You can pull my hair
You can punch me in the face
You can choke me unconscious!”
I go “Well, will you do anal?”
She goes “No! That’ll hurt!

(spoken)
Hahaha
Ah, really
Most of these girls
They just need to be hugged
If you get to hug a blondie
You will feel them holding you back with their unparalleled need to be held

(sung)
But, um, these girls
In the old days, like I said
There were a hundred in business
And like 20 were stars
Now these girls
There’s like a hundred fucking a day
And they all think they’re a star

(spoken)
What did the porn star’s right leg say to her left leg?
Nothing, they never met!
Hahaha