If I Ruled The World

If I ruled the world
I would think up inventions
I'd throw out the rules
Disregard all convention
I'd make the world peaceful
Sunny and bright
So all of us
Would sleep better at night

First thing I'd demand would be
A car alarm
Easy to operate
Hard to disarm
It would be silent on streets and parking lots
Instead
It would only go off
In the car owner's bed

I'd like a fast-forward button
For those boring times
When spending hours with relatives
Drives you out of your mind
You'd simply point it and zap them
Zip right to the end
Of their dull observations
And their leaving, but then

I'd like a slow-motion button
To make good times last
And to slow down some boyfriends
Who just go too fast
Kisses will be sweeter
Massages more healing
It would come in handy when making gravy
Keep it from congealing

I'd invent something for one of
Those awkward attacks
When you leave a stupid message on voice mail
And can't take it back
You'd simply click and rewind
Record a brilliant remark
That will impress the callee
Maybe win his heart

I wish I had an alarm on each shoe
That would warn me if I was about
To step in dog do
And perhaps for just
A slightly higher sum
It would tell you if you were
Near wet bubblegum

A buzzer on my mirror
That would warn if my hair
Was a horrible mess
Or if I need to use Nair
The deluxe model would have
An attachment that yells
'that's a fashion mistake
Your clothes look like hell'

A sensor in the ladies room
That discreetly knows
You have tucked your dress
Into your pantyhose
(this happened to me
In a real fancy place
You should have seen the look
On the maitre'd's face)

A detector that tells you
What's in the Crackerjack box

An extra five minutes
On every clock

An umbrella with
A nice bracelet attached
You'll never lose it
And it's handy in a subway attack

Every country would drive
On the right side of the street

I'd remove all cholesterol
From all of our meat

Children would volunteer
To take naps

Women would gain the power
To understand maps

A car horn that blasts its own
Driver in the face
Now he'll think twice
Before disturbing this place

A returnable newspaper
Once it's been read
Half your money's refunded

A self-making bed

If I ruled the world
I would make these inventions
Every year we'd think up more
At invention conventions
We'd make the world peaceful
Happy and bright
And all of us
Would sleep better at night