I’ve Parted

My mother had the vicar and the vicar's wife to tea
They cleared the room, they blamed it on the dog
But it was me...

I've farted, I've farted
I've made a trouser cough
I've whistled in me Y-fronts
I've just peeled one off
I've blown my bowel bugle
I've been eating peas
I've broken wind
I've dropped my guts
Open the window, please

I've been eating cabbages, prunes and pears and beans
Drinking Dandelion & Burdock and you know what that means
Polluting the environment, my friends leave me alone
The front of me sings tenor and the rest sings baritone

I've farted, I've farted
I've made a trouser cough
I've whistled in me Y-fronts
I've just peeled one off
I've blown my bowel bugle
I've been eating peas
I've broken wind
I've dropped my guts
Open the window, please

Bubbles in the bath!
Real rip snorters!
Up on one cheek and hope it don't make a noise
Window rattlers!
Cushion creepers!
Don't shake your leg and keep it in your corduroys

A gentleman tells before it smells, he waves his jacket 'til it's gone
But I'm the kind of sneaky bugger who lets off and doesn't let on
I let them go in lifts, in queues, in phone boxes and trains
And when they stink the people blink and blame it on the drains

I've farted, I've farted
I've made a trouser cough
I've whistled in me Y-fronts
I've just peeled one off
I've blown my bowel bugle
I've been eating peas
I've broken wind
I've dropped my guts
Open the window, please

"I say, have you farted?"
"Of course I have - d'you think I always smell like this?"