I’ve Got A Monster

"'Erm Doreen, I've got a confession to make. I'm not like ordinary boys"
"Oh Ivor, I know you're not like ordinary boys, you're about thirty years older than most of them for a start"
"No Doreen, I've got a strange peculiarity. Every time the moon is full I... scn*@!!rgggh"
"Oooh yeah you're right, you're not like ordinary boys..."

Well I'm Dr. Frankenstein
And I've got a monster
And I'll show you this monster of mine
If anyone wants-ta
It's a biggun, it's got wrinkly bits
That dangle down to there
It's pink and blue and purple and it's covered up with hair
If you meet it in the midnight hour
You're gonna get a scare
And everything would be just finе
If you had a monster like mine

"Hеllo baby, how would you like to be filled with Dread? Judge this for size..."

I'm Frankenstein's monster
I'm custom designed
I've got a bolt through m' neck
And a screw on m' mind
He made me out of fibre-glass
And doner kebabs and conkers
Meccano, tripe and bits of pipe
And a couple of donkey's pl*nkers
I think the Baron stitched me up
M' knob's a vacuum cleaner
I gave a cough
M' balls dropped off
Just call me Frankenstein

"Blimey, this place is full of monsters and su(t)ch.."

I'm Dracula and most unsanitary
I'd rather suck than fornicate
I dress like Bryan Ferry
I drink the blood of virgins
I live in Notting Hill Gate
I haven't had a decent meal
Since nineteen fifty-eight
They say I am a stupid count
I have a sucking force
At least that's what he thinks they say
He could be wrong of course

"Landlord, mix me a Bloody Mary before I go batty"

He's a friend of Dr. Frankenstein
And he's got a monster
And he'll show you its disgusting design
If anyone wants-ta
He'd love to suck your jugular
He's got no moral fibre
He's a nasty fly-by-night
A rhesus positive inbiber
And Peter Cushing's pushing
Half a fencepost up his khyber
The future looks pretty grim
If you are a monster like him

We are hairy werewolves
When a bad moon's on the rise
We all start looking like motorhead
And our knob's increase in size
And ever since we were in the cubs
We've crept around in castles
And scratch the fleas and piddle on trees
And sniff each other's ars'oles
Red Riding Hood thinks we're dead good
Although we've got the mange
She likes it doggy fashion
Excuse me while I change

They call him Dr. Frankenstein
'Cause he's got a monster
He'll show you his disgusting design
If anyone wants-ta
It's a biggun, it's got wrinkly bits
That dangle down to there
It's pink and blue and purple and it's covered up with hair
If you meet it in the midnight hour
You're gonna get a scare
And everything would be just fine
If you had a monster like mine

"We're not scared of the Mummy's curse"
"Well I know something ten times worse..."
I'm a wanker [etc.]