I’m Calm

[HYSTERIUM, spoken]
Calm? Yes, calm. Musn't get excited
Calm? Calm?

(sung)
I'm calm
I'm calm
I'm perfectly calm
I'm utterly under control
I haven't a worry:
Where others would hurry I stroll
I'm calm
I'm cool
A gibbering fool
Is one thing I never become
When thunder is rumbling
And others are crumbling
I hum
Hm--hmmm--hmmmmm!!!!!
HMMMMM!!!!
H-M-M-M!!!!

I must think calm comforting things
Butterfly wings
Emerald rings
Or a murmuring brook
Murmuring, murmuring, murmuring...look
I'm calm
I'm calm
I haven't a qualm
I'm utterly under control
Let nothing confuse me
Or faze me-- [yawn] --
Excuse me
I'm calm
Oh so calm
Oh so--

[PSEUDOLUS (offstage):]
Hysterium!

[HYSTERIUM]
I'm calm
I'm calm
I'm perfectly calm
Indifferent to tensions and shocks
Unruffled and ready
My nerves are as steady
As rocks

I'm calm, controlled
So cool that I'm cold
Aloofer than any giraffe
When something's the matter
Where others would shatter
I laugh. [Laughs hysterically]

I must breathe deep, ever so deep
Think about sheep
Going to sleep
Stop and count up to ten, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9...
When you need aplomb
And want to be calm
'Cause life is a horrible dream
Just count up to ten
Very slowly, and then
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9...

[PSEUDOLUS (offstage):]
Hysterium!

[HYSTERIUM]
Scream...
[screams]