I’m an Ordinary Man

[PICKERING, spoken]
To be blunt if I am to be in this business I am to feel responsible for the girl. Are you a man of good character where women are concerned?

[HIGGINS, spoken]
Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?

[PICKERING, spoken]
Well I haven't

[HIGGINS, spoken]
I find that the moment a woman makes friends with me she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance. And I find the moment that I make friends with a woman I become selfish and tyrannical. So here I am, a confirmed bachelor and likely to remain so. Well after all, Pickering, I'm an ordinary man

(sung)
Who desires nothing more than an ordinary chance
To live exactly as he likes
And do precisely what he wants
An average man am I
Of no eccentric whim
Who likes to live his life, free of strife
Doing whatever he thinks is best for him
Well just an ordinary man

But, let a woman in your life
And your serenity is through
She'll redecorate your home
From the cellar to the dome
Then go on to the enthralling
Fun of overhauling you

Let a woman in your life
And you're up against a wall
Make a plan and you will find
She has something else in mind
And so rather than do either
You do something else
That neither likes at all

You want to talk of Keats or Milton
She only wants to talk of love
You go to see a play or ballet
And spend it searching for her glove

Let a woman in your life
And you invite eternal strife
Let them buy their wedding bands
For those anxious little hands
I'd be equally as willing
For a dentist to be drilling
Than to ever let a woman in my life

I'm a very gentle man
Even tempered and good natured
Who you never hear complain
Who has the milk of human kindness
By the quart in every vein
A patient man am I
Down to my fingertips
The sort who never could, ever would
Let an insulting remark escape his lips
A very gentle man

But, let a woman in your life
And patience hasn't got a chance
She will beg you for advice
Your reply will be concise
And she'll listen very nicely
And then go out and do precisely what she wants

You are a man of grace and polish
Who never spoke above a hush
All at once you're using language
That would make a sailor blush

Let a woman in your life
And you're plunging in a knife
Let the others of my sex
Tie the knot around their necks
I prefer a new edition of the Spanish Inquisition
Than to ever let a woman in my life

I'm a quiet living man
Who prefers to spend the evening
In the silence of his room
Who likes an atmosphere as restful as
An undiscovered tomb
A pensive man am I
Of philosophic joys
Who likes to meditate, contemplate
Free from humanity's mad inhuman noise
A quiet living man

But, let a woman in your life
And your sabbatical is through
In a line that never ends
Comes an army of her friends
Come to jabber and to chatter
And to tell her what the matter is with you

She'll have a booming boisterous family
Who will descend on you en masse
She'll have a large Wagnerian mother
With a voice that shatters glass

Let a woman in your life
Let a woman in your life
Let a woman in your life
I shall never let a woman in my life