I Just Pretend to Wash My Hands

I poop and I pee and when I'm done
I turn the faucet on and let the water run
I count to five, I count to ten
I never wash my hands, I just pretend

Any human being with decency
Completely disagrees with me
About my love of fecal matter
And the liquid that flows out of my bladder

Trace amounts wind up on my palm
Which aren't gonna cause anybody harm
But somehow, some people still feel alarmed

Let the water flow
Give it a try
And then look at a towel
And pretend to dry

When you get out, the only way to know you've pulled off this fake
Is to extend your hand and to offer a shake
Watch close and see if they hesitate
If they don't, it means your technique was great

There's way too much germ phobia
Especially for germs that come outta ya
They didn't hurt me while they were inside
If they end up on my hand, I'm gonna wear 'em with pride

Let the water flow
Give it a try
Then look at a towel
And pretend to dry

Common people aren't so enlightened
If they know you don't wash, then they'll be frightened
So trust me, just go through the motions
You don't want to cause commotion

So poop and pee and when you're done
Turn the faucet on and let the water run
Count to five, count to ten
Never wash your hands again, just pretend