I Could Have Been a Great President; Ed, Ned, And Redd Foxx; Cats

I coulda been a great politician myself, no kidding
My great great grandfather, Redd Foxx the first—don't giggle, brother, I can trace my family back to Columbus—got a sister living in Cleveland
See, I’m one of triplets, three boys born 45 minutes apart, Ed, Redd, and Ned, mmm-hmm
My dad came to the hospital, he saw us laying there in the crib, he said, "Mary, you pick out the one you want 'cause I'ma drown them other two"
That’s how I learned how to swim—I didn't mind the swim, it was getting out that bag full of cats
My dad didn't like cats, either—people are superstitious about black cats, I ran over all of 'em, I don't care what color they are. You'd kill your whole family in a station wagon ducking a black cat. I'd run right over their hairy ass. I'm not gonna wreck my 7,000 dollar automobile ducking no 28 cent cat—that’s bad arithmetic. The way I figure it, 7,000 goes over 28 one time with nothing left over. Just a little Daniel Boone cap blowing in the street.
Daniel Boone, great American hero; George Custer—Custer was afraid. You don’t sell people that old hero stuff, a general standing up in battle. You don't stand up in no battle. You see the calendar with Custer standing there with his sword in the air? Who is he fighting, angels? You dig in under pressure. I was there, you dig in, I struck oil. Custer was afraid—if you don’t believe me, go down to the Smithsonian Institute and look in his leather pants—that's where the truth lies. You don't stand up in the face of no 25,000 screaming, blood-curdling Indians—I think that's the terminology. Mas Andreas, haha—I got Indian in me, too—I’m mixed with a bunch of stuff, you can see that, I didn't come here pure looking like this, somebody messed in the family, from one side or the other. Can you dig it? I don't give a damn what I'm mixed with, I'm here. It's better than being left on a picnic in a Kleenex, or in a drive-in movie in a popcorn napkin, or up a sheet, or in a fag, down a throat—I'm just mentioning possibilities, dear friend, don't look at me, I didn't start all that.