Hey Satan, You Bastard...

[Soldier]
Hey Satan, you bastard, you've cheated me! Look!
What the hell can I do? Does it say in the book?

[Narrator]
The soldier snatches up the book and leafs through it feverishly.

[Soldier]
It must be here somewhere, tell me, how, everyone.
All yon others are happy, how is it done?
I must know the secret, come on, please!
How can I be normal like I used to be?

[Narrator]
Distraught, the soldier starts thumbing madly through the book.
He is on the verge of tears, it is not a pretty sight.

[Soldier]
I had become proud, thought I'd won it all.
Now I just feel afraid and alone.
Cut off from the rest of the world by a wall.
How on earth did I stray this far from me home?

[Narrator]
Dear me, self-pity, not something we really wanted to see.
Good Lord, surprise, surprise, who should reappear, this time in disguise.
Dressed as a woman, like a tinker in drag,
The Devil hides behind a tree to watch and to listen.

[Soldier]
Bugger this, I don't care what it takes, I just want to turn back the clock.
There's nothing in here, in this bloody book, I've been through it twice,
Read every line and there's one thing it patently lacks.
It describes how to get to the rainbow's end,
But it don't tell you how to get back.

[Narrator]
The Devil has been popping his head round the tree now and again,
Keeping an eye on things.
When suddenly, the soldier picks up the book, and, in a fit of pique, throws it to the ground.
Taking this as his cue, the Devil makes his choice.
He coughs once or twice to announce himself,
And then he calls out in a high-pitched voice.

[Devil]
Please, kind sir, may I come in?

[Soldier]
Why? Who are you? Just leave me alone.

[Devil]
Just a few words with you, kind sir, if I'm not mistake there's something you've dropped. Please let me atone.

[Narrator]
The Devil advances with mincing steps, picks up the book, dusts it off, and holds it out to the soldier.

[The Soldier]
Why, uh, thank you ma'am, yeah, yeah, the book is mine, now then? Is there something you want? Have I met you before?

[Devil]
Ah! Kind sir, please let me explain.
I have just outside, in my case,
Rare, precious things, sir.

[Soldier]
No, thank you. No, never mind.

[Devil]
Sir! Please, I beg you, indulge me in this.

[Soldier]
I said no, here's some money, piss off.

[Devil]
Oh! But sir, I could not take money for naught.
There are certain rules to observe.
Each man plays his part, should do as he ought.
Even I have my pride, this won't take a minute.
My bag is right there, please, wait, while I just pop outside.

[Narrator]
The Devil scuttles off and returns with his case, which he lays on the ground.

[Devil]
Now then, look, sir! At these lovely things.
Watches! Necklaces! And rings!
Some lace, sir? No?
Very well, if you say so.
Ah! A luck medallion, engraved on ze back?
No? Are you sure? What is it you lack?
A mirror, perhaps? No? Oh dear, what a shame.
A beautiful picture, complete with a frame?

[Narrator]
The soldier looks up, wheels turn, cogs click.
Something is beginning to dawn.
All of the sudden things slip into place.
Two, and two, begin to make four.

[Devil]
I can see by the way you respond,
That I've aroused your interest.
So, what do you say? Let's cut to the chase.
Would a little old fiddle be best?

[Narrator]
With a dramatic gesture, old Nick pulls out the violin, brandishes it in front of the soldier and then turns to walk away. The soldier leaps to his feet at the sigh of his precious talisman and clamors to make his claim.

[Soldier]
Hold on. How much? How much for the fiddle?
Come on, how much I say?

[Narrator]
The Devil holds the violin out of reach, and then, forsaking the silly falsetto of his erstwhile disguise, rather slyly replies.

[Devil]
Well, as we are friends
I really can't say.
But why don't you try it out first.
Just a few bars to see how it plays!
Come on, give it a whirl.

[Narrator]
The soldier takes the violin from the Devil and tries to play, but sadly, his talent has deserted him.
He whips round, but the Devil has gone.
In a rage, he hurls the violin to the ground.

[Soldier]
Bloody violin! Piece of shite, no bloody good at all.
And this bloody book! Bloody hell, it can eff off and all.

[Narrator]
He picks up the book and painstakingly, page by page, shreds it into a thousand pieces.