Greg’s Drinking Song

[GREG]
Gather ye 'round and I'll tell you a tale
Of all the great times I've had with an ale
There's joy and there's glory, more than you can think
Yes, this is what happens to me when I drink!

I pee my pants! My pants! I pee my pants
I get up from the bar to find pee on my pants!
I say it's water, but all it takes is a glance
For people to realize I peed my pants!

[WHITE JOSH, spoken]
Wow, I did not know it was that bad

[GREG]
Yes, wine can be fun — white, rosé and red
'Till I call up my boss to say I wish he was dead
Chase down the regret with some gin for good luck
Then steal my cousin Jim's landscaping truck

Drive home then
I puke on my cat, my cat! I puke on my cat
I fall through the doorway and puke on my cat
Poor little Bruno did not expect that
I try for the toilet but puke on my cat!

While some can enjoy a Scotch with a steak
Or one glass of wine, then they're barely awake
For me it's much different what happens when
I try to have one, it just turns into ten
And then...

I fly a plane, a plane! I fly a plane
I knock on the cockpit shouting, "I'll fly this plane!"
We emergency landed, the TSA came
Now I'm banned from Southwest 'cause I try to fly planes!

Everybody!

[ALL MEN, except GREG]
He has sex with a bush, a bush! He has sex with a bush!

[GREG]
That wasn't a woman?

[ALL MEN, except GREG]
No it was a bush!
It had twigs and leaves 'cause it was a bush!

[GREG]
That's where that scar comes from!

[ALL MEN, except GREG]
From sexing a bush!

But he's breaking the cycle and making a push!
He's quitting his drinking
And saving his pants and his cat and Southwest and Jim's truck

[HECTOR]
And my car

[WHITE JOSH]
My car too!

[ALL MEN]
And a bush!