Greedy for the Needy

[GWEN]
There comes a time
In everybody's life
When you need
A hero and a miracle

[KEITH]
I know you’re scared
Baby, I’m scared too

[SCRAGS, spoken]
It’s very scary

[KEITH]
But we need to find toys–

[ESTHER]
And bidets!

[KEITH]
For all the kids
In Mayberry

[SCRAGS & ESTHER]
When it’s boom or bust
In greed we trust
The money’s a must
Cause the needy need us!

[THE SQUAD]
We’ll get the Grunch and
Win the fight
No matter how many people have to die tonight!

[WHINY JIM]
Get greedy
For the needy

[THE SQUAD, spoken]
Whiny Jim!

[WHINY JIM]
And make it speedy
Oh yes indeedy
We’ll throw in a…

[WHINY JIM & THE SQUAD]
DVD!
We can save the world this Christmas time by giving it all away
Even if it’s more than you can pay
It’s a tax write off!

[KEITH]
Is there a doctor in the house?

[DOCTOR SACHS]
Why yes! Lemme fill out out a script

[THE SQUAD, spoken]
Dr. Sachs!

[DOCTOR SACHS]
From an offshore account that’s filled to the brim with pharmaceutical kickbacks!

[THE SQUAD]
Hooray!

[JUDGE]
It’s Judgment Day!

[THE SQUAD, spoken]
Judge Dredd!

[JUDGE]
And my decision is in

[THE SQUAD]
He looks pissed!

[JUDGE]
I’m ruling in favor of the Mayberry children!

[THE SQUAD]
Yay!

[SCRAGS, spoken]
Case dismissed!

[RABBI]
Whether Jew

[KEITH, spoken]
Father?

[SCRAGS, spoken]
Papa?

[PRIEST]
Or a Chris-ti-an

[RABBI]
I will DO

[PRIEST]
And give, All that I can!

[RABBI]
I’m getting verklempt

[PRIEST]
Brother that’ll do ya!

[RABBI]
I’m tax exempt!

[PRIEST]
Allelujah!

[ESTHER, KEITH & SCRAGS]
I’m athiest! (As salaam alaikum!) ((Baruch atah adonai))

[EVERYONE]
Get greedy
For the needy
And make it speedy
Oh yes indeedy
We’ll throw in a DVD!
We can save the world this Christmas time by giving it all away
Even if it’s more than you can pay
It’s a tax write off!

We’re teachers, and students
Bartenders, engineers, cheers!
We’re cattlemen, and ranchers
And Jolly musketeers!

[BRIAN ROSENTHAL (as town people)]
I run a webcam
I’m out of work
I do graphic design

I’m in IT
I’m a nurse practitionerI just hold a sign

[EVERYONE]
That’s a mighty fine sign

[BRIAN]
I designed that sign!

Would you mind signing my sign?

Sure!

[EVERYONE]
It must be a sign!

[KEITH]
A sign from god to the Solve It Squad
With greed you are—

[EVERYONE]
Freed!

Praises be
To the A-word
To the J-word
And the G-word
Together when we harness greed
We can save the C-Word

[ESTHER, spoken]
Cunt?

[SCRAGS, spoken]
No, “Children”

[EVERYONE]
OH!
Santa!

[SANTA (BRIAN)]
Hey! Ho ho ho!

[EVERYONE]
Get greedy
For the needy
Make it speedy
Oh yes indeedy

We can save our Mayberry
We can solve this mystery
We can save the world yes
We can even save this
Holly
Jolly
Non denominationally
Needy, Needy
Greedy, Greedy
Make it super speedy
For the kids
For the town
For the bang for buck
For the good luck
Holiday show!